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Missing Connection
today you came back, for the first time in months I was talking to You. Since admitting my feelings you shut down... with an ocean between us I didn't have a choice. I scared you off with my insecurities triggering yours.
From the moment our paths crossed there has been something between us. everyone that spent time around us saw it before we did. Soon after meeting we were talking daily, good morning, good night. I couldn't get enough I was on cloud nine. You told your mom and sister about me, showed me off to a mate. Shortly after that it started to change. I felt you pull back I always thought someone got in ur head. but it seems your heart may have been what got you instead. next you told me you could never love again, you don't want to make a mess of your quiet life again. let alone how implausible it was with an ocean between us, what would it be video calls and Playstation parties?!?. another break of communication insues.... a month or 2... this time I thought for sure it was over. how foolish could I be to keep hoping you'd see. My mind was a whirlwind of thoughts of you, and when it wasn't I would see your name in places too.... thinking I was going insane I took to the internet to figure out what was to blame.... when hitting search on everything I was feeling. it kept sending me the same answers no matter how I worded it. I rolled my eyes thinking that just foolish. shook my head and went to bed determined to start fresh. a couple days went by without a thought of you. it was a bitter sweet realization for me. the next day was different maybe I jinxed it.... from the moment I opened my eyes you were a present thing in my thoughts, like a record playing over and over... a day spent picking up my phone and putting it down... trying so hard to just keep my feelings down. finally dinner time and the kids off to bed. another night of fighting with my ex. a few hours pass thank the lord I can go to sleep now. tomorrow is a new day with new thoughts and smiles. I wake up and notice at lunch it was a quiet morning, no impending thoughts of worry. I turn on my ps4 to waste some time, and all of a sudden my phone chimes. as i reach and look I see it's a Facebook message... odd cause noone other then.... oh.... its you, im shocked at the name. I'm not ready for you not yet. why would you come back?! I look at my phone unsure how to react... my soul jumping for joy, my mind screaming NO and my heart oh my poor mushy heart.... once more I answer this time more anxious. you ask me " how are you" I'm answer "I'm well and you?" and with that it was like you weren't even you. so stand offish and withheld. I didn't understand what the point of this could be. why come back and be anything but you. I can feel the difference in just a moment. I tred lightly trying to figure it out... I can see you need me but seem to not like it. you don't like me seeing you like this. you put up such a thick wall while you were gone. I wasn't sure if you'd ever let me see a crack again, let alone in. this time we hang out for a while, couple of weeks of smiles of laughs with glimpses of you when your feeling well. then again I put my foot in my mouth, my heart is on my sleeve and I'm falling head over heels again. your voice just does me in. I can't handle talking to you everyday any more not without wanting more. you tell me again to stay in my place, your not able to love and that's just the facts. you don't see how we could even begin to be anything more then just what we are to be. I don't do well with being told I can't do something, so I fight harder. which sends you into a break once again from me and my heart feels like it was stomped on.... why can't I just leave it alone and be complacent?.... just friends is all there can be so stop chewing on your foot, danmit lady!?! Ok this time if he comes back I will do my best. use the time he is gone to bury my feelings deep within me. there now let's see him get to me. I can do this if he decides he isn't done. I'm not the only one fighting demons one by one. so I go about my life two kids and school and a house to keep my mind right. then as the snow melts, I see it. behind my house there is a big crane with a sign. Oh my gosh, there's no way... the universe must be joking with me. the name of the construction company is.... you.... oh boy here we go again.... within 4 hours this time, sure enough my phone chimes. "how are you" I can feel the concern in the message. it's been longer then you ment it. not sure if I would be upset with your exit. you know, I truly wanted to be, even tryed but I get it.... you need the break to control your heart. it's an empath thing and I know it's not you so again I'm just here for you. you tell me how your life has been, a little less defensive. you tell me you not doing so well, been down a lot. can't seem to get out of this spot. I tell you got this because I know you do, covid screwed up everything for everyone. your feeling the burn. 2 years by yourself the leader of your family. taking care of them all without even a friend really. you tell me you dont talk to many others. I wonder how you can handle it. I love my time to myself but I'm to hard on myself much like I beat myself up. so I sit and I chat and I try to help. you need a friend so that's what I'll be. a couple days later I'm not sure what happened, you must have been in a bad place that day. I asked a loaded question, and received an expected and unexpected answer. this time it was me who walked away. I can't be something I'm not, I care about you and what your asking for is for me to pretend I don't. I can't be like that with you. you answer my question clear and precise. and I leave knowing how you truly feel. 1 week, turns to two. then 3 then 4. my life is going forward, thoughts of you never far from my mind but knowing how you felt kept them pretty shut out. 1 month 9 days.... im walking home with the kids, WA at Walmart doing the groceries. not 1 not 3 but 7 18 wheeler trucks went by.... not a big deal I live by the hi way... it was what was written on them that caught my eye... again every last 1 had a version of your lastname. I shrug it off thinking it was just a mirage, with the construction going on. think nothing of it keep heading home. phone in my bag, 2 kids and a carry cart. it's hot, we burst into the air and take our spots. I put the groceries away turn on the oven for dinner, sit down and turn on my play station. and there it is, a message from you, asking if "I had a falling out with you", " been forever since you heard from me" I msg back that I'm fine and hope all is well. your a nice guy, i was sure that's all it was. so I go back to just relaxing. and sure enough there's another message. your telling me we are friends and I need to relax my body.... how do you know what I'm thinking so easily. I'm reminded of what I read in the searches.... there's no way... could it be... a soul mate.... no that's insane, just a dream a kid has. then again my memory shoots back.... the last time we spoke. you told me I'd find him 1 day. my soul mate, he would love me because I'm one of the nice people. I just needed to be patient. now I fond myself hoping the same for you.... even if its not me for you. 1 day she will see just what I can, and I hope you'll be able to let her in. you saved me from an abusive marriage. your worth so much more then anyone can see. so I tell you again it's OK I get it, we can never be more then friends and I accept it. I'm quiet and with drawn and I know you can feel it. I just don't know how to be this. I just want you to be happy again, even if its just for a second. to hear your heart smile is like a drug for me. oops there I go again you see. no I can't play games with you, as much as I want to. I just can't handle the feelings I have... so no im God thank you. and keep my distance. I can tell your not sure how to handle this. a day goes by and not a word between us. so I sent the msg you good? " with a yep I'm happy go lucky" I tell ya ok, if ya ever wana chat just msg me..... with that you return with a bit of conversation. wait, who is that.... its you.... your guard is down and your talking to me again.... ok let's see what this brings.... we talk about your cousin and what the summer has done for you.... your still in a pretty bad place but your willing to talk about it.... your lonely and feel unloved.... oh boy... keep a hold of yourself blue don't scream at him. he knows how you feel so why is he saying this..... he needs a woman but has no interest. it's fear it must be, your still afraid ill hurt you... ok well thats not an issue... I remind you that you took that stuff off the table... im friend zoned and I accepted that a while ago. but from your typing I can see that isn't what you it to be you just don't see how it could be. so I put it out there easy as pie, im willing to do the work it would take... but its you who has choices to make. you tell me to allow thing to flow, and just be. I just don't see how that will get me to another country. but I agree because you see.... im starting to believe. your not the cataclyst to come and go, your not the karmic.... you are what you said I would find 1 day.... but you knew abd were frightened. so you tryed to run away, but im guessing like me the universe wouldn't let you be without thoughts of me. why else tell me you'll never leave. you care but can't act so whats the point you say.... I don't know what to say... I want to scream just give me the chance again... you can feel our connection. but none of this is what I send... I tell you I'm just trying to be a genuine friend. because I know that is kinda a test for me... can I truly be just the friend you need? yes I can and you will see... for you I'll do anything. I'll even help you find the one your looking for, because I care more about you then us. although I guess it never really seemed that way. letting go hurt in the moment but if it means you'll be happy one day then im down with it. so until tomorrow I use this app to let it all out.
© BeautifulBlueGem
From the moment our paths crossed there has been something between us. everyone that spent time around us saw it before we did. Soon after meeting we were talking daily, good morning, good night. I couldn't get enough I was on cloud nine. You told your mom and sister about me, showed me off to a mate. Shortly after that it started to change. I felt you pull back I always thought someone got in ur head. but it seems your heart may have been what got you instead. next you told me you could never love again, you don't want to make a mess of your quiet life again. let alone how implausible it was with an ocean between us, what would it be video calls and Playstation parties?!?. another break of communication insues.... a month or 2... this time I thought for sure it was over. how foolish could I be to keep hoping you'd see. My mind was a whirlwind of thoughts of you, and when it wasn't I would see your name in places too.... thinking I was going insane I took to the internet to figure out what was to blame.... when hitting search on everything I was feeling. it kept sending me the same answers no matter how I worded it. I rolled my eyes thinking that just foolish. shook my head and went to bed determined to start fresh. a couple days went by without a thought of you. it was a bitter sweet realization for me. the next day was different maybe I jinxed it.... from the moment I opened my eyes you were a present thing in my thoughts, like a record playing over and over... a day spent picking up my phone and putting it down... trying so hard to just keep my feelings down. finally dinner time and the kids off to bed. another night of fighting with my ex. a few hours pass thank the lord I can go to sleep now. tomorrow is a new day with new thoughts and smiles. I wake up and notice at lunch it was a quiet morning, no impending thoughts of worry. I turn on my ps4 to waste some time, and all of a sudden my phone chimes. as i reach and look I see it's a Facebook message... odd cause noone other then.... oh.... its you, im shocked at the name. I'm not ready for you not yet. why would you come back?! I look at my phone unsure how to react... my soul jumping for joy, my mind screaming NO and my heart oh my poor mushy heart.... once more I answer this time more anxious. you ask me " how are you" I'm answer "I'm well and you?" and with that it was like you weren't even you. so stand offish and withheld. I didn't understand what the point of this could be. why come back and be anything but you. I can feel the difference in just a moment. I tred lightly trying to figure it out... I can see you need me but seem to not like it. you don't like me seeing you like this. you put up such a thick wall while you were gone. I wasn't sure if you'd ever let me see a crack again, let alone in. this time we hang out for a while, couple of weeks of smiles of laughs with glimpses of you when your feeling well. then again I put my foot in my mouth, my heart is on my sleeve and I'm falling head over heels again. your voice just does me in. I can't handle talking to you everyday any more not without wanting more. you tell me again to stay in my place, your not able to love and that's just the facts. you don't see how we could even begin to be anything more then just what we are to be. I don't do well with being told I can't do something, so I fight harder. which sends you into a break once again from me and my heart feels like it was stomped on.... why can't I just leave it alone and be complacent?.... just friends is all there can be so stop chewing on your foot, danmit lady!?! Ok this time if he comes back I will do my best. use the time he is gone to bury my feelings deep within me. there now let's see him get to me. I can do this if he decides he isn't done. I'm not the only one fighting demons one by one. so I go about my life two kids and school and a house to keep my mind right. then as the snow melts, I see it. behind my house there is a big crane with a sign. Oh my gosh, there's no way... the universe must be joking with me. the name of the construction company is.... you.... oh boy here we go again.... within 4 hours this time, sure enough my phone chimes. "how are you" I can feel the concern in the message. it's been longer then you ment it. not sure if I would be upset with your exit. you know, I truly wanted to be, even tryed but I get it.... you need the break to control your heart. it's an empath thing and I know it's not you so again I'm just here for you. you tell me how your life has been, a little less defensive. you tell me you not doing so well, been down a lot. can't seem to get out of this spot. I tell you got this because I know you do, covid screwed up everything for everyone. your feeling the burn. 2 years by yourself the leader of your family. taking care of them all without even a friend really. you tell me you dont talk to many others. I wonder how you can handle it. I love my time to myself but I'm to hard on myself much like I beat myself up. so I sit and I chat and I try to help. you need a friend so that's what I'll be. a couple days later I'm not sure what happened, you must have been in a bad place that day. I asked a loaded question, and received an expected and unexpected answer. this time it was me who walked away. I can't be something I'm not, I care about you and what your asking for is for me to pretend I don't. I can't be like that with you. you answer my question clear and precise. and I leave knowing how you truly feel. 1 week, turns to two. then 3 then 4. my life is going forward, thoughts of you never far from my mind but knowing how you felt kept them pretty shut out. 1 month 9 days.... im walking home with the kids, WA at Walmart doing the groceries. not 1 not 3 but 7 18 wheeler trucks went by.... not a big deal I live by the hi way... it was what was written on them that caught my eye... again every last 1 had a version of your lastname. I shrug it off thinking it was just a mirage, with the construction going on. think nothing of it keep heading home. phone in my bag, 2 kids and a carry cart. it's hot, we burst into the air and take our spots. I put the groceries away turn on the oven for dinner, sit down and turn on my play station. and there it is, a message from you, asking if "I had a falling out with you", " been forever since you heard from me" I msg back that I'm fine and hope all is well. your a nice guy, i was sure that's all it was. so I go back to just relaxing. and sure enough there's another message. your telling me we are friends and I need to relax my body.... how do you know what I'm thinking so easily. I'm reminded of what I read in the searches.... there's no way... could it be... a soul mate.... no that's insane, just a dream a kid has. then again my memory shoots back.... the last time we spoke. you told me I'd find him 1 day. my soul mate, he would love me because I'm one of the nice people. I just needed to be patient. now I fond myself hoping the same for you.... even if its not me for you. 1 day she will see just what I can, and I hope you'll be able to let her in. you saved me from an abusive marriage. your worth so much more then anyone can see. so I tell you again it's OK I get it, we can never be more then friends and I accept it. I'm quiet and with drawn and I know you can feel it. I just don't know how to be this. I just want you to be happy again, even if its just for a second. to hear your heart smile is like a drug for me. oops there I go again you see. no I can't play games with you, as much as I want to. I just can't handle the feelings I have... so no im God thank you. and keep my distance. I can tell your not sure how to handle this. a day goes by and not a word between us. so I sent the msg you good? " with a yep I'm happy go lucky" I tell ya ok, if ya ever wana chat just msg me..... with that you return with a bit of conversation. wait, who is that.... its you.... your guard is down and your talking to me again.... ok let's see what this brings.... we talk about your cousin and what the summer has done for you.... your still in a pretty bad place but your willing to talk about it.... your lonely and feel unloved.... oh boy... keep a hold of yourself blue don't scream at him. he knows how you feel so why is he saying this..... he needs a woman but has no interest. it's fear it must be, your still afraid ill hurt you... ok well thats not an issue... I remind you that you took that stuff off the table... im friend zoned and I accepted that a while ago. but from your typing I can see that isn't what you it to be you just don't see how it could be. so I put it out there easy as pie, im willing to do the work it would take... but its you who has choices to make. you tell me to allow thing to flow, and just be. I just don't see how that will get me to another country. but I agree because you see.... im starting to believe. your not the cataclyst to come and go, your not the karmic.... you are what you said I would find 1 day.... but you knew abd were frightened. so you tryed to run away, but im guessing like me the universe wouldn't let you be without thoughts of me. why else tell me you'll never leave. you care but can't act so whats the point you say.... I don't know what to say... I want to scream just give me the chance again... you can feel our connection. but none of this is what I send... I tell you I'm just trying to be a genuine friend. because I know that is kinda a test for me... can I truly be just the friend you need? yes I can and you will see... for you I'll do anything. I'll even help you find the one your looking for, because I care more about you then us. although I guess it never really seemed that way. letting go hurt in the moment but if it means you'll be happy one day then im down with it. so until tomorrow I use this app to let it all out.
© BeautifulBlueGem
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