Nothing had changed and Devin was walking around me like he was caught.
He kept looking at me funny I think he knew what was up. He wanted to talk more but he had to go relieve Bruce. Later on in the week about twenty miles from our destination
he asked me can if we could talk later. Well,
We saw the passengers off and there was no new appointments back home.
This meant that the train would be empty no passengers. We refueled taking on everything needed for our trip home. Bruce and I were in the middle of cleaning, restocking trying to be prepared for whatever was next.
Sometimes you get so busy with one thing you just loose all track of time.
I was feeling a bit depressed kinda I should have known kinda depressed.
I had that feeling like the tears are in your eyes but you won't let em fall. There's this lump in your throat that won't let you swallow and it's hard to take air in your lungs. Now I can feel my heartbeating all over my entire body. My whole world has slowed down because I made him out to be something that he isn't.
I put feelings where there were none making things be the way I wanted them to be not like they really are.
I didn't notice that Bruce was gone or how long. When I looked up he asked you ready to talk? Devin I don't have that smart education that's you're so proud of. I can't use all those big words to impress you in conversation that you're use to.
And now that this happened it makes me scared to talk to you.
So I'll make this short, it's all my fault
I made our relationship out to be something that it isn't. I allowed myself to open up to let in love that I fashioned not you. I made you out to want what I feel when you don't.
I admit that I wished that for once more that I could have what I feel returned. Devin just sat there looking at me just letting me talk. I'm not a kid starting out in some fresh feeling. I'm a woman wishing for just one chance for what's impossible.
There's too much out there in this world to have why should you have it.
I've made things awkward between us letting my feeling be known to you.
I'm making it look like you owe me
loyalty or something when you don't Look I'm not going to sit around here acting like you hurt me.
I'm sensible enough to know I hurt myself it wasn't you. Sensible enough to realize that you can do whatever you desire. You hadn't made me any promises that you broke by seeing somebody else. And I can't and shouldn't and don't expect you to.
So please don't hold it against me that my feelings are different than yours that I choose to be loyal to my feelings.
It's not just for you my feelings are loyal for any man I'm involved with. I want you to know that I can walk away from this and you will never have to worry about anything that I have said. I'm not going to act like you are no more that Devin Planes
engineer of the Blue Steak.


© Blue