I been finding reasons to hold on for a while
nothing seem to worthwhile
praying every nights for someone to save me but nobody even know how many tears and blood that I have to clean up everyday
keep vomiting the pain of memories but still they still so clear in my mind and running through my brain all day or night

I'm sorry that nothing is ever enough for me
they say love yourself but nobody say how
nobody hear or see what I hear and see
they don't understand
they don't understand
they don't understand.....

If life is worth living but why do I keep crying an ocean my violence hands seem to be the only relief

Don't even look at myself
in the mirror anymore
tired of insecurity
never satisfied of what I see the mirror

see all the colors in grey
wrote thousands of poems
still don't feel understanding
still grieving
to be honest I don't even know what
I'm grieving about anymore
it's just every time I touch or see or speak
I just hurt... all the time...

stopped​ wondering if I will ever be okay
but wondering when will I die
nobody care nobody listens
so alone
so far from being okay
I'm not alive anymore

it's like I'm standing in a big city alone
and watching everyone walk past me like
I'm invisible or because I'm not existing in their life so that's why nobody really care

want to rely on people
but seem like I only confided to my violence hands
they hit me everyday but also are the only hands that shed my tears and hug me when I'm not okay but my hands help me control the feeling that's keep crawling in my bones

everytime I close my eyes all I see is
myself hanging on the celling
wishing I have the gut to do such things​

can't even tell if
I'm feeling
vulnerable​
awful
painful
sad
or heart broken
I just feel and feel
don't even want to eat anymore

don't want another beginning
can't say what's exactly on my mind
but I swear this is real and if you know the real me you wouldn't even wanna stay

I'm sorry that I'm mentally unstable

they say don't be normal be yourself
normal is boring
but what if being different mean losing control everytime bad things happen?
what if being myself hurt people...

why should I keep on smiling and saying
I'm fine when I'm not.....
why am I even staying and let the pain of memories and loneliness killing me each day

I'm so sorry for appeared in people's lives
knowing so damn well I'm going to take my own life one day.

I'm just a book that nobody wants to read
so why not just burn a book that nobody interest no need to put me on the shelter just burn me
just take my breath away
shoot me
hang me
anything
I don't want to feel or see anything anymore

I'm not ignorant
I'm sick and tired

my friends say I'm here for you
you can talk to me
I said life suck that's all
they told me why are you so negative
me run away end up comforting myself again and again

sorry for the way I see myself
sorry for the way I see the world
sorry that I keep going back to
the path
Sorry that I let negativity taken over me
sorry for the way I feel
sorry that I painted myself with grey color
and pieced negative words into my skin

I can't help it anymore
I guess I will just have to suck it up
and deal with it

© Jasmine