(mentions of self harm)

"it's been raining all day!" patrick whined, bouncing in pete's lap where he was currently sitting.

"sit still." pete grumbled, carefully holding patrick's hips tighter. he did not want to hurt him, but wanted him to stop bouncing.

patrick pouted, looking back at pete. "I want to do something!"

"then do something. I'm trying to watch the movie."

"but I want to do something with you!"

"and I want to finish this movie."

patrick huffed, slapping his hands to pete's cheeks. "you are a butt." he said, climbing from pete's lap.

pete shrugged in response. "and some reason you still love me."

"yeah, and sometimes I wonder why." patrick sighed, grabbing his jacket and going out in the rain.

pete rolled his eyes at the comment. he knew patrick had not meant it, but that did not make it hurt any less.

pete knew he himself was kind of being a dick, but he just wanted to finish the movie. he wanted to finish it with patrick.

pete sighed, closing his eyes, thinking over patrick's words. "sometimes I wonder why."

[does he mean sometimes he wonders why he loves me?

why he's still with me?

maybe it means he doesn't love me. he only puts up with me because he doesn't want to hurt me.

oh! or maybe it means he would be much happier without me! whatever. if he wanted someone else, I'd let him go. I wouldn't blame him. I'd leave me for someone else. someone much better than me.]

a few hours passed, pete's mind still attacking him in every way. though, he did nothing to tell patrick about it while he was away. he did nothing to stop himself from doing what he did. pete did absolutely nothing to calm himself down and stop thinking his thoughts.

pete made no attempt to inform patrick of his bloodied thighs. he took care of it all himself. he cleaned the blood, he dried his tears, he threw it away.

when patrick returned, pete was on the couch, staring silently at the tv. a blank expression on his face.

"hey,"

patrick was soaked.

"hey," pete responded quietly, slowly turning his attention to his boyfriend.

"you okay?"

"just fine."

patrick nods. he knew it was not the truth, but pete did not seem to be in the mood for sharing.