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Journal - Entry Number One -
Monday September 4th, 2023
5:00 A.M.
I had the strangest dream. My mother telling me about her day. She describes and speaks on how she was out in the middle of a storm driving a red Jeep Cherokee. Her hands freezing at the hold of the steering praying someone would land a hand. Suddenly she gets a call from an old friend who apparently gave her a two hundred and fifty worth of food stamps she been recieving on a monthly basis extra due to her children being in school. It appeared she had no need for it that particular month. Suddenly my dream shifts and mother is sitting what appears to be a thrown and than a shopping store where a lady is assisting her. Funny enough my wife next to her. Mother appears to be looking at a few accessories that goes in your wrists, and while this is happening I hear my wife say. “Yes, that one is good for abundance and mone”. It almost felt like there was a consultation happening during some kind of reading and at the same time it felt like a completely different point in time. The way mother was dressed was like it was in the 50s and she somehow had wealth. It was weird, but what does it all mean?
I layback down in bed upstairs thinking. Than I decided to put that to rest. She’s no longer sleeping beside me but rather in the downstairs bedroom along side her mother and small child. How could I blame her or be surprised. Aside the illness, she’s suffering a pain deeper than the tumors. A pain of regrets for her decisions throughout her life. The pain that she believes I have moved on and my heart now belongs to another woman. Perhaps some anger in there as well and although I know and understand this isn’t healthy for her considering her health is on the line, there’s nothing I can really do once she’s made up her mind in what she believes she knew and the truth that was revealed in her dream. Whatever that thruth was it is not the reality at all. We may have fell apart but during her time of need I am here for her and my only intentions is for her to heal and have the best quality of life she can have. For her to be in care with the best services possible and live happy. As long as that happens than I will go. I understand when I am no longer wanted around and it isn’t a good feeling coming to a home where you don’t feel is your home anymore. It saddens me in the depths of my soul to know the hard truth that things just didn’t work between us, that we fell apart or even I questioned whether this was true love for me because I knew she loved me very much. It may not have been the love I thought to be realistic, but in her own way of loving, I knew she did. Unfortunately we did not share the same feelings mutually and when I openly in rage told her I did not love her in that way, I felt a crush in her soul. I may have been upset, even confused but I felt I was being honest. Perhaps it wasn’t the best way or time to let her know it, but at some point the truth always finds a way to come out. Until today I can say I’ve never disrespected her by sleeping with other woman. I mean I didn’t and don’t have the time for it quite frankly. Even if this changes somehow, I know I must be extremely careful and discreet. I’m not saying it is right, but everyone deserves a great time with that one person who fully shares your sentiment. Look, All I know is that my priority and this moment in time is to get my wife up and running. If she is to live with this illness, than at least with the proper treatment she can have a chance at many more years of life and her children can be with their mother a bit longer.
This app has become my journal openly as I’m very transparent anyhow, and if that is the case than this would be my first entry. I get goosebumps as I write because I’m literally next to the Alter where my wife does her daily prayers and consultations through video chat. Although it has been vacant for a while since she has lost most of her motivation to continue to serve and help others as a medium or as they call it Reiki. This kind of person is one who has a gift and can see beyond what the normal person can see. Is like having your third eye open. One who does readings and works with ones inner thoughts to help them gain back their mental health and remain sane. That was her work and she was great at it, perhaps the best because she did help me so much in all that she knew and it worked. I’m always going to be thankful for the help she provided. She’d stopped at nothing to save and heal me in my time of need because she faithfully believes that there are people who do more harm spiritually than actual crimes man could see. If she doesn’t know this, than she should know that I always admire her gift and great heart to help others because we have that in common even if she doesn’t belive I ever could. Sometimes opposites attract with a lot of work from two whilling to make the necessary sacrifices because they are in the exact same page and love one another very deeply. Other times it doesn’t always work this way. We don’t all get our happy ending. What we do however get is another shot at it while we still have the breath of life within us. The ability to want to continue on living despite all obstacles, trials and tribulations. Whatever life throws at us depending on how we handle it will determine numerous outcomes that only God knows what they are.
I’ve been up for just about an hour and a half now. Writing my thoughts of this day since my dream. I’m just about one hour From having to get up and get ready for work. My line of work is working as a Mail Man at the USPS. A job that I’ve been both blessed to have and one I’ve applied so many times before and never got due to the high requirements and qualifications. That all did change after COVID. By them dropping the standards just a bit, I was able to get my shot and here I am today. Well, I think I will stop here for this day. Signing off and I will see you all on my next entry.
© Johnny Cigars
5:00 A.M.
I had the strangest dream. My mother telling me about her day. She describes and speaks on how she was out in the middle of a storm driving a red Jeep Cherokee. Her hands freezing at the hold of the steering praying someone would land a hand. Suddenly she gets a call from an old friend who apparently gave her a two hundred and fifty worth of food stamps she been recieving on a monthly basis extra due to her children being in school. It appeared she had no need for it that particular month. Suddenly my dream shifts and mother is sitting what appears to be a thrown and than a shopping store where a lady is assisting her. Funny enough my wife next to her. Mother appears to be looking at a few accessories that goes in your wrists, and while this is happening I hear my wife say. “Yes, that one is good for abundance and mone”. It almost felt like there was a consultation happening during some kind of reading and at the same time it felt like a completely different point in time. The way mother was dressed was like it was in the 50s and she somehow had wealth. It was weird, but what does it all mean?
I layback down in bed upstairs thinking. Than I decided to put that to rest. She’s no longer sleeping beside me but rather in the downstairs bedroom along side her mother and small child. How could I blame her or be surprised. Aside the illness, she’s suffering a pain deeper than the tumors. A pain of regrets for her decisions throughout her life. The pain that she believes I have moved on and my heart now belongs to another woman. Perhaps some anger in there as well and although I know and understand this isn’t healthy for her considering her health is on the line, there’s nothing I can really do once she’s made up her mind in what she believes she knew and the truth that was revealed in her dream. Whatever that thruth was it is not the reality at all. We may have fell apart but during her time of need I am here for her and my only intentions is for her to heal and have the best quality of life she can have. For her to be in care with the best services possible and live happy. As long as that happens than I will go. I understand when I am no longer wanted around and it isn’t a good feeling coming to a home where you don’t feel is your home anymore. It saddens me in the depths of my soul to know the hard truth that things just didn’t work between us, that we fell apart or even I questioned whether this was true love for me because I knew she loved me very much. It may not have been the love I thought to be realistic, but in her own way of loving, I knew she did. Unfortunately we did not share the same feelings mutually and when I openly in rage told her I did not love her in that way, I felt a crush in her soul. I may have been upset, even confused but I felt I was being honest. Perhaps it wasn’t the best way or time to let her know it, but at some point the truth always finds a way to come out. Until today I can say I’ve never disrespected her by sleeping with other woman. I mean I didn’t and don’t have the time for it quite frankly. Even if this changes somehow, I know I must be extremely careful and discreet. I’m not saying it is right, but everyone deserves a great time with that one person who fully shares your sentiment. Look, All I know is that my priority and this moment in time is to get my wife up and running. If she is to live with this illness, than at least with the proper treatment she can have a chance at many more years of life and her children can be with their mother a bit longer.
This app has become my journal openly as I’m very transparent anyhow, and if that is the case than this would be my first entry. I get goosebumps as I write because I’m literally next to the Alter where my wife does her daily prayers and consultations through video chat. Although it has been vacant for a while since she has lost most of her motivation to continue to serve and help others as a medium or as they call it Reiki. This kind of person is one who has a gift and can see beyond what the normal person can see. Is like having your third eye open. One who does readings and works with ones inner thoughts to help them gain back their mental health and remain sane. That was her work and she was great at it, perhaps the best because she did help me so much in all that she knew and it worked. I’m always going to be thankful for the help she provided. She’d stopped at nothing to save and heal me in my time of need because she faithfully believes that there are people who do more harm spiritually than actual crimes man could see. If she doesn’t know this, than she should know that I always admire her gift and great heart to help others because we have that in common even if she doesn’t belive I ever could. Sometimes opposites attract with a lot of work from two whilling to make the necessary sacrifices because they are in the exact same page and love one another very deeply. Other times it doesn’t always work this way. We don’t all get our happy ending. What we do however get is another shot at it while we still have the breath of life within us. The ability to want to continue on living despite all obstacles, trials and tribulations. Whatever life throws at us depending on how we handle it will determine numerous outcomes that only God knows what they are.
I’ve been up for just about an hour and a half now. Writing my thoughts of this day since my dream. I’m just about one hour From having to get up and get ready for work. My line of work is working as a Mail Man at the USPS. A job that I’ve been both blessed to have and one I’ve applied so many times before and never got due to the high requirements and qualifications. That all did change after COVID. By them dropping the standards just a bit, I was able to get my shot and here I am today. Well, I think I will stop here for this day. Signing off and I will see you all on my next entry.
© Johnny Cigars
