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A Letter to my Abuser
A letter to my abuser
Honestly, I don't know how to start this. I've written and deleted. Wrote some more and deleted again. So many ideas or ways to phrase things. I suppose the best way to go about this, is to just be truthful. Not a day goes by that I am not reminded. Not reminded of you, our relationship(s), the time I'll never get back and what you did to me. In fact, the simplest thing is often the most painful reminder. Like an animal in a show. A specific aroma or a certain song. I often have these speeches in my head, of things I wish I could say to you if I ever saw you again or when you contact me. But I'm reality, I know I will never have the courage to say anything. In between the dissociating, I find myself sittinh and thinking.and wishing. I wish I could take all that time back, somehow stop myself from going down the roads that lead me to you. Wishing that I didn't search for constant validation, or constantly bite my tongue out of terror. Wishing that I could take back the thing threads of innocence.. Wishing that I didn't cower every time someone rose their voice, or flinch every time someone lifts an arm. I wish I didn't have a panic attack every time someone touched me or had fucking flashbacks. I wish I didn't constantly second guess every decision I make or any compliment anyone ever gives me. I wish I didn't wonder if they really care about or like me. Or if they just need or want some thing from me. I wish I could take back those nights I cried myself to sleep and stop the nights in the future. I wish I wasn't terrified. I wish I wasn't so hateful and disgusted with myself. I wish I didn't stay up nights and relive it. God, I wish I didn't fucking care. I wish you didn't still have some sort of hold on me. I wish I didn't still think and wonder. Wonder if I had been better, or given you what you wanted to begin with.. I wish I didn't constantly feel like nothing is ever good enough. I wish I didn't feel like a failure, a joke. I wish those words didn't circle around my head every time I look at myself, at my body. But most of all, I hate all the wondering and second guessing. All the constant self dismissal. Or wondering if you ever really cared about me? Or were you just toying with me? Did you mean the things you said? Both positive and negative? Do you have any regrets? Do you ever even give it a second thought? Do you know that what you did will stay with me forever? Do you even care?
Honestly, I don't know how to start this. I've written and deleted. Wrote some more and deleted again. So many ideas or ways to phrase things. I suppose the best way to go about this, is to just be truthful. Not a day goes by that I am not reminded. Not reminded of you, our relationship(s), the time I'll never get back and what you did to me. In fact, the simplest thing is often the most painful reminder. Like an animal in a show. A specific aroma or a certain song. I often have these speeches in my head, of things I wish I could say to you if I ever saw you again or when you contact me. But I'm reality, I know I will never have the courage to say anything. In between the dissociating, I find myself sittinh and thinking.and wishing. I wish I could take all that time back, somehow stop myself from going down the roads that lead me to you. Wishing that I didn't search for constant validation, or constantly bite my tongue out of terror. Wishing that I could take back the thing threads of innocence.. Wishing that I didn't cower every time someone rose their voice, or flinch every time someone lifts an arm. I wish I didn't have a panic attack every time someone touched me or had fucking flashbacks. I wish I didn't constantly second guess every decision I make or any compliment anyone ever gives me. I wish I didn't wonder if they really care about or like me. Or if they just need or want some thing from me. I wish I could take back those nights I cried myself to sleep and stop the nights in the future. I wish I wasn't terrified. I wish I wasn't so hateful and disgusted with myself. I wish I didn't stay up nights and relive it. God, I wish I didn't fucking care. I wish you didn't still have some sort of hold on me. I wish I didn't still think and wonder. Wonder if I had been better, or given you what you wanted to begin with.. I wish I didn't constantly feel like nothing is ever good enough. I wish I didn't feel like a failure, a joke. I wish those words didn't circle around my head every time I look at myself, at my body. But most of all, I hate all the wondering and second guessing. All the constant self dismissal. Or wondering if you ever really cared about me? Or were you just toying with me? Did you mean the things you said? Both positive and negative? Do you have any regrets? Do you ever even give it a second thought? Do you know that what you did will stay with me forever? Do you even care?
