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Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah and the Five Hooting Athletic Ostriches
Starring the Instagram sensations: Titus (9), Solomon (8), and Jeremiah (6) - @heartandhamer
Once upon a time there were courageous boys named Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah. They were on the way to see their mom and dad, when they decided to take a short cut through Angeles National Forest.
It wasn't long before Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah got lost. They looked around, but all they could see were trees. Nervously, they felt into their book bag for their favourite toy, Surf Board, but Surf Board was nowhere to be found! Titus, Solomon and Jeremiah, began to panic. They felt sure they had packed Surf Board. To make matters worse, they were starting to feel hungry.
Unexpectedly, they saw a Hooting Athletic ostrich dressed in a yellow surf suit disappearing into the trees.
"How odd!" thought Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah.
For the want of anything better to do, they decided to follow the peculiarly dressed ostrich. Perhaps it could tell them the way out of the forest.
Eventually, Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah reached a clearing. They found themselves surrounded by houses made from different sorts of food. There was a house made from Protein Bars, a house made from Doritos, a house made from Oreos, a house made from Skittles, a house made from doughnuts and a house made from Twizzers.
Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah could feel their tummy rumbling. Looking at the houses did nothing to ease their hunger.
"Hello!" They called. "Is anybody there?"
Nobody replied.
Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah looked at the roof on the closest house and wondered if it would be rude to eat somebody else's chimney. Obviously it would be impolite to eat a whole house, but perhaps it would be considered acceptable to nibble the odd fixture or lick the odd fitting, in a time of want.
A cackle broke through the air, giving Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah a fright. A leprechaun jumped into the space in front of the houses. He was hauling a cage. In that cage was Surf Board!
A cackle broke through the air, giving Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah a fright. A leprechaun jumped into the space in front of the houses. He was hauling a cage. In that cage was Surf Board!
"Surf Board!" shouted Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah. He turned to the leprechaun. "That's my toy!"
The leprechaun just shrugged.
"Give Surf Board back!" cried Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah.
"Not on your lucky charms!" said the leprechaun.
"At least let Surf Board out of that cage!"
Before he could reply, five Hooting Athletic ostriches rushed in from a footpath on the other side of the clearing. Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah recognised the one in the yellow surf suit that he'd seen earlier. The leprechaun seemed to recognise him too.
"Top of the morning to ya, Big Ostrich," said the leprechaun.
"Good morning." The ostrich noticed Surf Board. "Who is this?"
"That's Surf Board," explained the leprechaun.
"Ooh! Surf Board would look lovely in my beach house. Give it to me!" demanded the ostrich.
The leprechaun shook her head. "Surf Board is staying with me."
"Um... Excuse me..." Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah interrupted. "Surf Board lives with us! And not in a cage!"
Big Ostrich ignored them. "Is there nothing you'll trade?" They asked the leprechaun.
The leprechaun thought for a moment, then said, "I do like to be entertained. I'll release him to anybody who can eat a whole front door."
Big Ostrich looked at the house made from Twizzers and said, "No problem, I could eat an entire house made from Twizzers if I wanted to."
"That's nothing," said the next ostrich. "I could eat two houses."
"It's not necessary to show off," said the leprechaun. Just eat one front door and I'll let you have Surf Board."
Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah watched, feeling very antsy. They didn't want the leprechaun to give Surf Board to Big Ostrich. They didn't think Surf Board would like living with a Hooting Athletic ostrich, away from their house and all their other gym toys.
The other four ostriches watched while Big Ostrich put on his bib and withdrew a chopsticks from his pocket.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Big Ostrich. "Just you watch!"
Big Ostrich pulled off a piece of the front door of the house made from Doritos. He chomped it down smiling, and went back for more.
And more.
And more.
Eventually, Big Ostrich started to get bigger - just a little bit bigger at first. But after a few more fork-fulls of Doritos, he grew to the size of a large snowball - and he was every bit as round.
"Erm... I don't feel too good," said Big Ostrich.
Suddenly, he started to roll. He'd grown so round that he could no longer balance!
"Help!" he cried, as he rolled off down a slope into the forest.
Big Ostrich never finished eating the front door made from Doritos and Surf Board remained prisoner in the leprechaun's cage.
Average Ostrich stepped up, and approached the house made from Oreos.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Average Ostrich. "Just you watch!"
Average Ostrich pulled off a piece of the front door of the house made from Oreos. She chomped it down smiling, and went back for more.
And more.
And more.
After a while, Average Ostrich started to look a little queasy. She grew greener...
...and greener.
A woodcutter walked into the clearing. "What's this bush doing here?" he asked.
"I'm not a bush, I'm an ostrich!" said Average Ostrich.
"It talks!" exclaimed the woodcutter. "Those talking bushes are the worst kind. I'd better take it away before somebody gets hurt."
"No! Wait!" cried Average Ostrich, as the woodcutter picked her up. But the woodcutter ignored her cries and carried the ostrich away under his arm.
Average Ostrich never finished eating the front door made from Oreos and Surf Board remained prisoner in the leprechaun's cage.
Little Ostrich stepped up, and approached the house made from Skittles.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Little Ostrich. "Just you watch!"
Little Ostrich pulled off a piece of the front door of the house made from Skittles. He guzzled it down smiling, and went back for more.
And more.
And more.
After five or six platefuls, Little Ostrich started to fidget uncomfortably on the scene.
He stopped guzzling Skittles for a moment, then grabbed another spoon.
But before he could eat it, there came an almighty roar. A bottom burp louder than a rocket taking off, propelled Little Ostrich into the sky.
"Aggghhhhhh!" cried Little Ostrich. "I'm scared of heighhh..."
Little Ostrich was never seen again.
Little Ostrich never finished eating the front door made from Skittles and Surf Board remained prisoner in the leprechaun's cage.
Tiny Ostrich stepped up, and approached the house made from doughnuts.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Tiny Ostrich. "Just you watch!"
Tiny Ostrich pulled off a piece of the front door of the house made from doughnuts. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.
And more.
And more.
However, on the next mouthful, the food fell straight out of Tiny Ostrich's mouth. She tried to stuff in a forkful of doughnuts, but once again, the food fell out. There just wasn't enough room left in her belly.
"This is just not fair!" declared Tiny Ostrich, and stampeded off into the forest.
Tiny Ostrich never finished eating the front door made from doughnuts and Surf Board remained prisoner in the leprechaun's cage.
Even-Tinier Ostrich stepped up, and approached the house made from Twizzers.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Even-Tinier Ostrich. "Just you watch!"
Even-Tinier Ostrich pulled off a piece of the front door of the house made from Twizzers. He slurped it down smiling, and went back for more.
And more.
And more.
Suddenly, Even-Tinier Ostrich stopped eating and started dancing. While he danced, he sang at the top of his lungs, "Twizzers! Watch me chew all the Twizzers!"
"It looks as though the Twizzers are making you hyperactive," laughed the leprechaun.
"Oh no they're not!" cried Even-Tinier Ostrich. "I'm always this excited, because I have ADHD." With that, he walked into a tree.
Bong!
Even-Tinier Ostrich banged his head and fell backwards onto his bottom. He passed out, exhausted.
Even-Tinier Ostrich never finished eating the front door made from Twizzers and Surf Board remained prisoner in the leprechaun's cage.
"That's it," said the leprechaun. "I win. I get to keep Surf Board."
"Not so fast," said Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah. "There is still one front door to go. The front door of the house made from Protein Bars. And we haven't had a turn yet.
"I don't have to give you a turn!" laughed the leprechaun. "My game. My rules."
The woodcutter's voice carried through the forest. "I think you should give them a chance. It's only fair."
"Fine," said the leprechaun. "But you saw what happened to the ostriches. They won't last long."
"I'll be right back," said Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah.
"What?" said the leprechaun. "Where's your sense of impatience? I thought you wanted Surf Board back."
Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah ignored the leprechaun and gathered a hefty pile of scrap metal. They came back to the clearing and started making a solar powered microwave out of it. Carefully, they broke off a piece of the door of the house made from Protein Bars and warmed it up in the microwave. Once it had cooked and cooled just a little, they took a bite. They quickly devoured the whole piece.
Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah sat down on a nearby log.
"You fail!" cackled the leprechaun. "You were supposed to eat the whole door."
"I haven't finished," explained Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah. "I am just waiting for my food to go down."
When Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah's food had digested, they broke off another piece of the door made from Protein Bars. Once more, they stuck it in the heat-box of a microwave and warmed up their food in it and waited for it to cool just a little. They ate it at a leisurely pace then waited for it to digest.
Eventually, after several sittings, Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah was down to the final piece of the door made from Protein Bars. Carefully, they warmed it and allowed it to cool just a little. They finished their final course. Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah had eaten the entire front door of the house made from Protein Bars.
The leprechaun stamped his foot angrily. "You must have tricked me!" he said. "I don't reward cheating!"
"I don't think so!" said a voice. It was the woodcutter. He walked back into the clearing, carrying his axe. "These little boys won fair and square. Now hand over Surf Board or I will chop your ward in half."
The leprechaun looked horrified. He grabbed his ward and placed it behind him. Then, huffing, he opened the door of the cage.
Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah hurried over and grabbed Surf Board, checking that his favourite toy was all right. Fortunately, Surf Board was unbroken.
Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah thanked the woodcutter, grabbed a quick souvenir, and hurried on to meet mom and dad. It was starting to get dark.
When Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah got to mom and dad's house, their parents threw their arms around them.
"We were so worried!" cried mom and dad. "You are very late."
As Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah described their day, they could tell that mom and dad didn't believe them. So they each grabbed a napkin from their pocket, pauses for a moment to glance at each other.
"What's that?" asked mom and dad.
Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah each unfolded a doorknob made from Doritos. "Sticky Toffee Pudding!" They said.
Mom and dad almost fell off their rocker.
The End.
© Joel Peter Brown
Once upon a time there were courageous boys named Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah. They were on the way to see their mom and dad, when they decided to take a short cut through Angeles National Forest.
It wasn't long before Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah got lost. They looked around, but all they could see were trees. Nervously, they felt into their book bag for their favourite toy, Surf Board, but Surf Board was nowhere to be found! Titus, Solomon and Jeremiah, began to panic. They felt sure they had packed Surf Board. To make matters worse, they were starting to feel hungry.
Unexpectedly, they saw a Hooting Athletic ostrich dressed in a yellow surf suit disappearing into the trees.
"How odd!" thought Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah.
For the want of anything better to do, they decided to follow the peculiarly dressed ostrich. Perhaps it could tell them the way out of the forest.
Eventually, Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah reached a clearing. They found themselves surrounded by houses made from different sorts of food. There was a house made from Protein Bars, a house made from Doritos, a house made from Oreos, a house made from Skittles, a house made from doughnuts and a house made from Twizzers.
Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah could feel their tummy rumbling. Looking at the houses did nothing to ease their hunger.
"Hello!" They called. "Is anybody there?"
Nobody replied.
Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah looked at the roof on the closest house and wondered if it would be rude to eat somebody else's chimney. Obviously it would be impolite to eat a whole house, but perhaps it would be considered acceptable to nibble the odd fixture or lick the odd fitting, in a time of want.
A cackle broke through the air, giving Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah a fright. A leprechaun jumped into the space in front of the houses. He was hauling a cage. In that cage was Surf Board!
A cackle broke through the air, giving Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah a fright. A leprechaun jumped into the space in front of the houses. He was hauling a cage. In that cage was Surf Board!
"Surf Board!" shouted Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah. He turned to the leprechaun. "That's my toy!"
The leprechaun just shrugged.
"Give Surf Board back!" cried Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah.
"Not on your lucky charms!" said the leprechaun.
"At least let Surf Board out of that cage!"
Before he could reply, five Hooting Athletic ostriches rushed in from a footpath on the other side of the clearing. Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah recognised the one in the yellow surf suit that he'd seen earlier. The leprechaun seemed to recognise him too.
"Top of the morning to ya, Big Ostrich," said the leprechaun.
"Good morning." The ostrich noticed Surf Board. "Who is this?"
"That's Surf Board," explained the leprechaun.
"Ooh! Surf Board would look lovely in my beach house. Give it to me!" demanded the ostrich.
The leprechaun shook her head. "Surf Board is staying with me."
"Um... Excuse me..." Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah interrupted. "Surf Board lives with us! And not in a cage!"
Big Ostrich ignored them. "Is there nothing you'll trade?" They asked the leprechaun.
The leprechaun thought for a moment, then said, "I do like to be entertained. I'll release him to anybody who can eat a whole front door."
Big Ostrich looked at the house made from Twizzers and said, "No problem, I could eat an entire house made from Twizzers if I wanted to."
"That's nothing," said the next ostrich. "I could eat two houses."
"It's not necessary to show off," said the leprechaun. Just eat one front door and I'll let you have Surf Board."
Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah watched, feeling very antsy. They didn't want the leprechaun to give Surf Board to Big Ostrich. They didn't think Surf Board would like living with a Hooting Athletic ostrich, away from their house and all their other gym toys.
The other four ostriches watched while Big Ostrich put on his bib and withdrew a chopsticks from his pocket.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Big Ostrich. "Just you watch!"
Big Ostrich pulled off a piece of the front door of the house made from Doritos. He chomped it down smiling, and went back for more.
And more.
And more.
Eventually, Big Ostrich started to get bigger - just a little bit bigger at first. But after a few more fork-fulls of Doritos, he grew to the size of a large snowball - and he was every bit as round.
"Erm... I don't feel too good," said Big Ostrich.
Suddenly, he started to roll. He'd grown so round that he could no longer balance!
"Help!" he cried, as he rolled off down a slope into the forest.
Big Ostrich never finished eating the front door made from Doritos and Surf Board remained prisoner in the leprechaun's cage.
Average Ostrich stepped up, and approached the house made from Oreos.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Average Ostrich. "Just you watch!"
Average Ostrich pulled off a piece of the front door of the house made from Oreos. She chomped it down smiling, and went back for more.
And more.
And more.
After a while, Average Ostrich started to look a little queasy. She grew greener...
...and greener.
A woodcutter walked into the clearing. "What's this bush doing here?" he asked.
"I'm not a bush, I'm an ostrich!" said Average Ostrich.
"It talks!" exclaimed the woodcutter. "Those talking bushes are the worst kind. I'd better take it away before somebody gets hurt."
"No! Wait!" cried Average Ostrich, as the woodcutter picked her up. But the woodcutter ignored her cries and carried the ostrich away under his arm.
Average Ostrich never finished eating the front door made from Oreos and Surf Board remained prisoner in the leprechaun's cage.
Little Ostrich stepped up, and approached the house made from Skittles.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Little Ostrich. "Just you watch!"
Little Ostrich pulled off a piece of the front door of the house made from Skittles. He guzzled it down smiling, and went back for more.
And more.
And more.
After five or six platefuls, Little Ostrich started to fidget uncomfortably on the scene.
He stopped guzzling Skittles for a moment, then grabbed another spoon.
But before he could eat it, there came an almighty roar. A bottom burp louder than a rocket taking off, propelled Little Ostrich into the sky.
"Aggghhhhhh!" cried Little Ostrich. "I'm scared of heighhh..."
Little Ostrich was never seen again.
Little Ostrich never finished eating the front door made from Skittles and Surf Board remained prisoner in the leprechaun's cage.
Tiny Ostrich stepped up, and approached the house made from doughnuts.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Tiny Ostrich. "Just you watch!"
Tiny Ostrich pulled off a piece of the front door of the house made from doughnuts. She gulped it down smiling, and went back for more.
And more.
And more.
However, on the next mouthful, the food fell straight out of Tiny Ostrich's mouth. She tried to stuff in a forkful of doughnuts, but once again, the food fell out. There just wasn't enough room left in her belly.
"This is just not fair!" declared Tiny Ostrich, and stampeded off into the forest.
Tiny Ostrich never finished eating the front door made from doughnuts and Surf Board remained prisoner in the leprechaun's cage.
Even-Tinier Ostrich stepped up, and approached the house made from Twizzers.
"I'll eat this whole house," said Even-Tinier Ostrich. "Just you watch!"
Even-Tinier Ostrich pulled off a piece of the front door of the house made from Twizzers. He slurped it down smiling, and went back for more.
And more.
And more.
Suddenly, Even-Tinier Ostrich stopped eating and started dancing. While he danced, he sang at the top of his lungs, "Twizzers! Watch me chew all the Twizzers!"
"It looks as though the Twizzers are making you hyperactive," laughed the leprechaun.
"Oh no they're not!" cried Even-Tinier Ostrich. "I'm always this excited, because I have ADHD." With that, he walked into a tree.
Bong!
Even-Tinier Ostrich banged his head and fell backwards onto his bottom. He passed out, exhausted.
Even-Tinier Ostrich never finished eating the front door made from Twizzers and Surf Board remained prisoner in the leprechaun's cage.
"That's it," said the leprechaun. "I win. I get to keep Surf Board."
"Not so fast," said Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah. "There is still one front door to go. The front door of the house made from Protein Bars. And we haven't had a turn yet.
"I don't have to give you a turn!" laughed the leprechaun. "My game. My rules."
The woodcutter's voice carried through the forest. "I think you should give them a chance. It's only fair."
"Fine," said the leprechaun. "But you saw what happened to the ostriches. They won't last long."
"I'll be right back," said Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah.
"What?" said the leprechaun. "Where's your sense of impatience? I thought you wanted Surf Board back."
Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah ignored the leprechaun and gathered a hefty pile of scrap metal. They came back to the clearing and started making a solar powered microwave out of it. Carefully, they broke off a piece of the door of the house made from Protein Bars and warmed it up in the microwave. Once it had cooked and cooled just a little, they took a bite. They quickly devoured the whole piece.
Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah sat down on a nearby log.
"You fail!" cackled the leprechaun. "You were supposed to eat the whole door."
"I haven't finished," explained Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah. "I am just waiting for my food to go down."
When Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah's food had digested, they broke off another piece of the door made from Protein Bars. Once more, they stuck it in the heat-box of a microwave and warmed up their food in it and waited for it to cool just a little. They ate it at a leisurely pace then waited for it to digest.
Eventually, after several sittings, Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah was down to the final piece of the door made from Protein Bars. Carefully, they warmed it and allowed it to cool just a little. They finished their final course. Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah had eaten the entire front door of the house made from Protein Bars.
The leprechaun stamped his foot angrily. "You must have tricked me!" he said. "I don't reward cheating!"
"I don't think so!" said a voice. It was the woodcutter. He walked back into the clearing, carrying his axe. "These little boys won fair and square. Now hand over Surf Board or I will chop your ward in half."
The leprechaun looked horrified. He grabbed his ward and placed it behind him. Then, huffing, he opened the door of the cage.
Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah hurried over and grabbed Surf Board, checking that his favourite toy was all right. Fortunately, Surf Board was unbroken.
Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah thanked the woodcutter, grabbed a quick souvenir, and hurried on to meet mom and dad. It was starting to get dark.
When Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah got to mom and dad's house, their parents threw their arms around them.
"We were so worried!" cried mom and dad. "You are very late."
As Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah described their day, they could tell that mom and dad didn't believe them. So they each grabbed a napkin from their pocket, pauses for a moment to glance at each other.
"What's that?" asked mom and dad.
Titus, Solomon, and Jeremiah each unfolded a doorknob made from Doritos. "Sticky Toffee Pudding!" They said.
Mom and dad almost fell off their rocker.
The End.
© Joel Peter Brown
