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Journal -Entry Number Two-
Wednesday, September 6, 2023
7:27 P.M.
I miss the days when I was child. Not a care in the world and you live freely. We all still have the inner child in us. It is the reason we are all Gods children because even as adults we are still very young. The things of the world may distract us often with work, responsibilities, and all which causes stress. This is damaging to our soul. When I was five years old I remember wanting to be a star someday. Someone of importance that the world could look up to and be inspired by. I always loved watching soap operas because it embraces love but also all of the drama that comes with it in everyday life. I use to think I was one of the main protagonists of a certain Spanish Soap Opera Like, (Maria La Del Barrio, Rosalinda, Entre el Amor y Odio, etc), and eager to watch the next episode I would often act the scenes out. Now, I mentioned them in their respected Spanish names and you could perhaps translate, but I did enjoy many English classic Soap Operas as well. One Tree Hill, Dawsons Creek, Smallvile, Empire, Riverdale, Dante’s Cove, and many others. I was a true weird child and even weirder teenager. I loved the teenage mutant ninja turtles. I have seen every film more than a dozen times. All of the Dragon Ball series and even Sailor Moon and thunder cats amongs others like transformers and Gargoyles. I even recorded the espisodes of my favorites on VHS. My all time cartoons have to be. Hey Arnold, Rugrats, Ren and Stimpy, Doug and many more 90s cartoons. To me it was the best era where cartoons had actual meaning and not any of the junk that is being offered today to our youth. I mean as an adult I could decipher the good and the bad but for the young ones it’s hard to focus on what’s actually being presented and they get easily distracted with the true meaning of everything, which goes over their heads. In politics it is what I belive is the exact intent. If people find the series entertaining enough and don’t care about the meaning behind them, than that is exactly what is preferred since they don’t have to do the hard work deciphering hidden messages. Society knows the majority won’t even bother with that and shrug it off and Call anyone else a conspiracist for even speaking on it.
**An Hour Later 8:27 P.M.**
There’s a feeling of warmth that comes with holding someone you deeply care about close. My life isn’t the perfect motion picture as I wanted it to be. Like so many romance films that while they had some truth to them, they still left unrealistic expectations of true love. Yet we somehow love watching these stories because we also love the idea of living our very own fairy tale.
I visited the hospital along with my mother-in-law and the two children. Ofcourse they had to tag alone since there wasn’t any other family member to watch them. Atleast none that live near the state that can come by the home. I saw my wife as confused as ever. There was a particular look in her eyes as she was questioning why she was in this terrible ordeal. She had spent all of her life with emotional struggle and distress. A life of pain and when I stare into her eyes I could see she hadn’t recall our seperation because she told me to hold her hand, to come close and to give her a warm kiss. She said she loved me and that’s when I wanted to break into tears. Knowing the amount of damage this disease was causing triggered something inside of me. Something angry and dark. Despite everything that’s happen between us, I still care. She is my friend and she will always have a place in my heart. I will be there for her until the very end.
I didn’t want to remind her of all the terrible things that lead to us to split. Of the arguments due to disagreements and my stupidities because I should have known better and played things smoother. I should have not added to the stress and although I’ve grown wiser and gotten better, I couldn’t help but to feel guilt about causing her emotional damage that added to the painful desease. So I played along and I held things in. As much as I wanted to burst crying when I heard her saying in a soft voice, “You guys won’t let me fall, right?, You won’t let me crumble”. I replied softly, “Never”. “I will be with you every step of the way”. She smiled and grab me close and than she fell asleep holding my hand tight as though she was afraid to be left alone. We told the doctors to go easy on the pain meds so she be able to feel less confused and less in the air. And so they did as we wish. “How do you tell someone enduring this much the reality without breaking apart?” I asked myself. The answer was clear, there’s no way of knowing. All you can do is make a choice and stick with it.
The night was long, kids were tired. Her mother and my suspicions were true. My wife had encounter days prior going to the emergency room, what appeared to be memory lost issues. She started forgetting small things and I feel as though I should have pick it up than, but I was blind and I stupidly argued with her because of her stuck on her ways attitude. Sometimes we men are pretty stupid but bravo to those who recognize it. Than our worst fears have come to be. The doctors told us it wasn’t the morphine meds for pain that was causing her confusion. The CAT scan indicated the tumors have spread to the brain compressing the brain a bit which would explain the all of the sudden loss of leg strength to walk and her not recalling anything she had told me prior. Like not wanting me to know the results of the test and that it be kept between her mother and herself. Being the good husband I was and have attempted to be, I simply agreed which broke my heart because I never considered myself her enemy. The reality is this wasn’t her doing but the cancer. I was glad things cleared up after the doctors further elaborated on her condition. Next was the MRI results which made things even more clearer that work had to be done quickly, while the scans also indicated a small amount of liquid in the right lung. This told us that the tumors in the lungs had gradually grown a size or two bigger than what the previous scan results had shown. The plan now remains. Remove the liquid, examine the brain and attempt a method that best works to fix it and than getting the chemo injection to stop the spreading and reduce all tumors in size everywhere. Sounds simple when you narrated down this way, but it’s a lot more complex than it appears. This is the most challenging season in our entire lives especially for her. While no one can predict the outcome of all of this, one thing is certain she’s in Gods hands. I want to belive he will come through for her, but there are moments I question things.
I never was the cheating husband type nor have I ever taken advantage because of difficult times like these. The reality was though that this entire ordeal has effected me both mentally and emotionally. Not to mention a little over two years back when I gotten sick with anxiety and depression my wife went all out to get me to heal. I mean this woman went through great lengths to make sure I didn’t die. And so I had to do the same in return. The difference is, CANCER. How could I do more than what I’ve already tried or done. Sometimes you just want the healing, the miracle that you hear so many other experience to come to you and the one closest to you. Truth is, as mysterious as life can be, no one can predict when or who’s turn to recieve it will come to be. Life is complicated, it is never to perfection for any of us and all we can do is live it the best we can in hopes that in the very end we did all we wanted and we are at peace with the choices we’ve made by the end. God bless everyone until my next entry. 🙏
© Johnny Cigars
7:27 P.M.
I miss the days when I was child. Not a care in the world and you live freely. We all still have the inner child in us. It is the reason we are all Gods children because even as adults we are still very young. The things of the world may distract us often with work, responsibilities, and all which causes stress. This is damaging to our soul. When I was five years old I remember wanting to be a star someday. Someone of importance that the world could look up to and be inspired by. I always loved watching soap operas because it embraces love but also all of the drama that comes with it in everyday life. I use to think I was one of the main protagonists of a certain Spanish Soap Opera Like, (Maria La Del Barrio, Rosalinda, Entre el Amor y Odio, etc), and eager to watch the next episode I would often act the scenes out. Now, I mentioned them in their respected Spanish names and you could perhaps translate, but I did enjoy many English classic Soap Operas as well. One Tree Hill, Dawsons Creek, Smallvile, Empire, Riverdale, Dante’s Cove, and many others. I was a true weird child and even weirder teenager. I loved the teenage mutant ninja turtles. I have seen every film more than a dozen times. All of the Dragon Ball series and even Sailor Moon and thunder cats amongs others like transformers and Gargoyles. I even recorded the espisodes of my favorites on VHS. My all time cartoons have to be. Hey Arnold, Rugrats, Ren and Stimpy, Doug and many more 90s cartoons. To me it was the best era where cartoons had actual meaning and not any of the junk that is being offered today to our youth. I mean as an adult I could decipher the good and the bad but for the young ones it’s hard to focus on what’s actually being presented and they get easily distracted with the true meaning of everything, which goes over their heads. In politics it is what I belive is the exact intent. If people find the series entertaining enough and don’t care about the meaning behind them, than that is exactly what is preferred since they don’t have to do the hard work deciphering hidden messages. Society knows the majority won’t even bother with that and shrug it off and Call anyone else a conspiracist for even speaking on it.
**An Hour Later 8:27 P.M.**
There’s a feeling of warmth that comes with holding someone you deeply care about close. My life isn’t the perfect motion picture as I wanted it to be. Like so many romance films that while they had some truth to them, they still left unrealistic expectations of true love. Yet we somehow love watching these stories because we also love the idea of living our very own fairy tale.
I visited the hospital along with my mother-in-law and the two children. Ofcourse they had to tag alone since there wasn’t any other family member to watch them. Atleast none that live near the state that can come by the home. I saw my wife as confused as ever. There was a particular look in her eyes as she was questioning why she was in this terrible ordeal. She had spent all of her life with emotional struggle and distress. A life of pain and when I stare into her eyes I could see she hadn’t recall our seperation because she told me to hold her hand, to come close and to give her a warm kiss. She said she loved me and that’s when I wanted to break into tears. Knowing the amount of damage this disease was causing triggered something inside of me. Something angry and dark. Despite everything that’s happen between us, I still care. She is my friend and she will always have a place in my heart. I will be there for her until the very end.
I didn’t want to remind her of all the terrible things that lead to us to split. Of the arguments due to disagreements and my stupidities because I should have known better and played things smoother. I should have not added to the stress and although I’ve grown wiser and gotten better, I couldn’t help but to feel guilt about causing her emotional damage that added to the painful desease. So I played along and I held things in. As much as I wanted to burst crying when I heard her saying in a soft voice, “You guys won’t let me fall, right?, You won’t let me crumble”. I replied softly, “Never”. “I will be with you every step of the way”. She smiled and grab me close and than she fell asleep holding my hand tight as though she was afraid to be left alone. We told the doctors to go easy on the pain meds so she be able to feel less confused and less in the air. And so they did as we wish. “How do you tell someone enduring this much the reality without breaking apart?” I asked myself. The answer was clear, there’s no way of knowing. All you can do is make a choice and stick with it.
The night was long, kids were tired. Her mother and my suspicions were true. My wife had encounter days prior going to the emergency room, what appeared to be memory lost issues. She started forgetting small things and I feel as though I should have pick it up than, but I was blind and I stupidly argued with her because of her stuck on her ways attitude. Sometimes we men are pretty stupid but bravo to those who recognize it. Than our worst fears have come to be. The doctors told us it wasn’t the morphine meds for pain that was causing her confusion. The CAT scan indicated the tumors have spread to the brain compressing the brain a bit which would explain the all of the sudden loss of leg strength to walk and her not recalling anything she had told me prior. Like not wanting me to know the results of the test and that it be kept between her mother and herself. Being the good husband I was and have attempted to be, I simply agreed which broke my heart because I never considered myself her enemy. The reality is this wasn’t her doing but the cancer. I was glad things cleared up after the doctors further elaborated on her condition. Next was the MRI results which made things even more clearer that work had to be done quickly, while the scans also indicated a small amount of liquid in the right lung. This told us that the tumors in the lungs had gradually grown a size or two bigger than what the previous scan results had shown. The plan now remains. Remove the liquid, examine the brain and attempt a method that best works to fix it and than getting the chemo injection to stop the spreading and reduce all tumors in size everywhere. Sounds simple when you narrated down this way, but it’s a lot more complex than it appears. This is the most challenging season in our entire lives especially for her. While no one can predict the outcome of all of this, one thing is certain she’s in Gods hands. I want to belive he will come through for her, but there are moments I question things.
I never was the cheating husband type nor have I ever taken advantage because of difficult times like these. The reality was though that this entire ordeal has effected me both mentally and emotionally. Not to mention a little over two years back when I gotten sick with anxiety and depression my wife went all out to get me to heal. I mean this woman went through great lengths to make sure I didn’t die. And so I had to do the same in return. The difference is, CANCER. How could I do more than what I’ve already tried or done. Sometimes you just want the healing, the miracle that you hear so many other experience to come to you and the one closest to you. Truth is, as mysterious as life can be, no one can predict when or who’s turn to recieve it will come to be. Life is complicated, it is never to perfection for any of us and all we can do is live it the best we can in hopes that in the very end we did all we wanted and we are at peace with the choices we’ve made by the end. God bless everyone until my next entry. 🙏
© Johnny Cigars
