My best friend Beau always used to tell me,that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel no matter how dark that tunnel may be.He would tell me that no matter how bad I thought my life was there was always someone out there that had it worse than me.Which of course I know he was right,but I also know that life doesn't get better unless you get up and take the steps to make it better.I learned that lesson the hard way.You see 22 years ago I was in a very bad relationship.To say that I was a victim of domestic violence would be an understatement.He beat me so bad once that he almost killed me,but thank god for my adrenaline kicking in and I was able to flip him off of me.Being that I was six months pregnant,I quickly left the house in the middle of the night with my one year old son and didn't look back.That experience made me a stronger person though,so even though it was a bad situation I still came away with positive prospective.Then on September 11,2001 just two years after I had my second son.I was supposed to be in Massachusettes for a friends from high schools wedding,but alas I was pregnant with my daughter.I was considered a high risk pregnancy since I had miscarried a few times prior to this.So my doctor would not let me fly,needless to say the flight that I was booked to be on that day was the second plane that hit the south tower of The World Trade Center.I always say that my daughter Destiny was my guardian angel before she was even born.Then seven years later on September 11,2008 my husband died of an overdose.Yes that was just another pothole on the road of life,active addiction to opiates after I fell at work.I have to say that being addicted to drugs was perhaps the hardest thing in life that I have had to deal with.And when they say that you have to want to get sober and clean for yourself,they know what they are talking about.I can't begin to tell you how many times I relapsed because I didn't want it yet.You see it turns out that I was like many addicts out there,not just using to medicate the physical pain but I was also using to hide the mental pain and anguish.And over the years I would get clean and then something would undoubtedly happen that would lead me astray down that bumpy path again.Not that there is any excuse to be that way.I have been clean for three years now,and I couldn't imagine going back to using again.You see being an addict alienated my family.My relationships suffered as well as my jobs.But like I said in my own head I wasn't ready to let go of my crutch so to speak.But I am glad that eventually I got tired of losing everything in my life because of my hurtful and harmful choices.However the reprecussions of me using drugs for years lasted long after I had been done using.I found that my relationships suffered the most.But what I have realized on this roller coaster ride that is life it is our experiences whether good or bad that essentially make us who we are.I always thought that I wanted to change my life if I could go back in time.But now I realize that if those bad things had never happened to me then I woudn't be who I am today.Those experiences were one's that I had to go through,because they each one taught me a lesson that I needed to learn.It's just like even though some of the people that have crossed paths with me and taken up space in my life,are no longer paying rent so to speak.It may sound rather cliche but I am a firm believer in every person that comes into your life they are meant to be there at that particular time.If they entered your life and only stayed for a certain amount of time then they were there because you needed to learn a lesson.If you are fortunate to have them still in your life then they were meant to be a blessing.
Some people come into your life on rare occasions and they are meant to be both a blessing and a lesson.My best friend Beau,may he rest in peace was just that.Beau was the type of person who had the biggest heart but,man when he got mad he had such a temper.He could get so ignorant and nasty at times.But honestly as mad as it made me when he was being like that I wouldn't have changed him for the world.We were closer than most husbands and wives.But that is whatr made him so fun to be around.But unfortunately he had skeletons in his closet as well not unlike most people.But what made us dangerous together is that our skeletons liked to play with each other.Being that we were both very active in our addiction,to the same thing I might add.This sometimes made our friendship a toxic one.Not that you could have ever told us that back then.We would have told you how crazy you were.But despite his short comings(which again we all have ) he was a lot of fun to be around.
Imet my husband James about three years ago through a mutual aquaintance.He is the love of my life.I mean we don't always get along but hey what couple does.He has helped me get sober and stay sober.And well thank god for him because he was my rock when the christmas before last we found Beau deceased in a yard in his neighborhood.He was still fighting his demons,and unfortunately he let them win this time.I have no doubt this was partially due to the fact that his sister was murdered by her boyfriend in May of the same year.But all of this has made me very aware that nothing in life is a guarantee especially time.So we need to be nice to each other,spread positiveness and love instead of hate and everything always being so negative.And don't always be iun such a rush to get through everything,take time to stop and smell the sunflowers,yes even in the rain.And most imporrtantly above all else please love yourself,and each other,take the time to hug your loved ones close because tomorrow isn't promised and you never know when today will be the last.
© Carolyn Leonelli