I was never in a relationship before I meet him. But I was never ready to give up the need to love and be loved in return. So I decided to give online dating a chance and signed up on a dating app. You could not see the face of the person you were talking to. Bur I found myself really enjoying our conversations. We were talking from around two am until the sunrise. He was charming, funny, and genuinely interested in getting to know me. We quickly hit it off, exchanging stories about our lives and sharing our interests. I could feel myself falling for him, even though I didn't know how his face looked like.
After a few months of talking, we decided it was time to meet in person. We met in a neighborhood, and my heart skipped a beat when I saw him walking towards me. Even though he was not the kind of person who would show his enthusiasm, I could see in his face that he was happy to see me from the way he was trying to approach me.
As we talked, we both felt the connection growing stronger. We both felt like we had found someone special in each other.
Over the next few months, me and Andrew continued to see each other, going on dates and spending time together. We explored new places, discovered and shared interests. We both knew that we had found something rare and special bond that was meant to be.
Until he tried to kissed me. It was not how I imagined it, our first day was not supposed to go like that. But I shut my voice off because such special connection is hard to find.
All was going great until that day, something broke into my heart and I pushed him away.
It was not that he did something wrong.
But it was the way he was holding on to me.
It was too much for my soul.
His love, that unconditional love sparing openly through his heart, I never felt from anyone before.
But it was all too much. Conquer to the way I was feeling about myself.
I was used to being alone. Even though I had not succeed much all those years that passed me by, I was enjoying my own company, my own successes even my own failures alone. I didn't want to be someone's burden. So I pushed him and I pushed him and I pushed him as hard as I could until the day I made him turn away.

It was a beautiful sunny day that day I was driving my car and I was heading to buy some lunch for myself. But a car was crossing and blocked my way and we crashed.
I don't remember much from that day.
Everything is blure inside my head, I only get flashes and pictures from that traumatic day.
I open my eyes in this hospital I was in, I could see faces but couldn't recognise a single one of them.
Until a man came to the room.
She came close to me and he sat on my bed, I kneel on my two feets on the bed and I was amazed from the colours of his face. I got close to him and I touched him gently on his cheek. I asked him who he is.
He asked me... Don't you remember? Mary! Its me!
I stayed in silence for a couple of minutes and I kept stairing at him, trying to figure out who he is.
I could not remember a single thing.
Only sensations of the past, like pictures in my mind. But despite that, it was all a blure into my mind. I was feeling sensations but I could not regocnise the man.
The sound of shattering glass and screeching tires filled the air as the car spun out of control. I could barely register what was happening as my body was jolted from side to side. In a moment, everything went black. Confusion washed over my head. I didn't remember anything prior to waking up in that bed. The doctors told me that I had been in a car accident and had suffered a head injury. There, was my mother, father, brothers and a friend, but I was looking at them with no much awareness of what was going on or who they were. I had no memories of my past.
As days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, I couldn't shake the feeling of emptiness and loss.

But that man, from the moment he walked into the room, even though I could not recognize him, when our eyes were coming across, I was feeling sensations and something deep within me, it was triggering me. Like I knew him on a much deeper level.
He introduced himself as Andrew. According to him, we had been together for nearly two years but we broke apart as I blocked him away.
As Andrew sat beside me, I couldn't help but feel frustrated and helpless. I was angry with God for taking away my past and leaving me with nothing to cling on to.

Everyone who knew me came to visit me in the hospital, trying to jog my memory, but nothing seemed to work. All I could do was look at them with an empty expression, wondering who they truly were.
As time passed, I became more and more frustrated with myself. I wanted to remember my past, to know who I was before my accident. But, the truth was, I was lost and I had a feeling like I was all alone, with no sense of direction.
As I struggled to remember more about him, I found that his presence alone was enough to give me comfort and a sense of familiarity.
A song on the radio would bring back a memory of a night out dancing with Andrew, or the smell of fresh flowers would remind me of our first anniversary together.
Whenever Andrew was around, it was like a spark that set off a chain of memories. His touch would bring back the sound of his laughter, or the way he would hold me close.

With all the people that was there, I recognise a woman's eyes stairing at me so deeply. I asked her name and she told me that her name was Kathrine. She came close to me when everyone else was already gone from the room, and she slowly touched my hand, checking my moves and my eyes movements so fast, while she was afraid of scaring me. She seemed to be so clever.
She tried to make sure that I know that she knows how I was feeling but I didn't believe her.
She told me while she was stairing deeply into my soul...
-I know how you feel.
-Have you ever lost your memory?
She shook her head as she was trying to say "no".
With disappointment in her eyes, like she was feeling sad that she couldn't be at my place and feel the pain I was feeling so heavy into my heart.
Then I said...
-Then what do you know? Ha?
Your pronunciation sounds different.
"I added"
-My pronunciation...
She repeated as she was feeling deeply and she was trying to process the informations she was recieving inside her head.
-Its because I am Greek. And you are Cypriot.
-What is Greek and what is Cypriot, I asked with wonder in my eyes.
-Greek is someone who lives in Greece. Cypriot is someone who lives in Cyprus.
-But we live in the same place. Since you are here.
I was like a child, I didn't even know the most important geographic details or how you take a plane to move in places. Its like my mind turned seven years old.
So I needed someone to teach me the basics at first, before they continue about the details about my life's status.
I continued with confusion inside my head..
-So Kathrine... How did we met?
She was trying to figure out if she could tell me more but she was afraid of what informations she was allowed to share with me, because before I was hit on my head, I had a very traumatic past.
I can't tell you, she said. Enough for today!
And she stand up determined to avoid any eye contact with me because my eyes were pushing her to open up to me, and her intuition was telling her that I deserved to know.
I said...
-Please.
But she turned away trying to escape the room.
-Will you leave me alone here?
I prevented
-No, of course not. What made you think of that?
-But I saw you. You were moving towards the door.
-No, I was trying to get some air, because I cannot breath.
-Is it panick attack?
I didn't know how I could know what a panick attack is but I knew it instinctively.
She right away looked at me back surprised that I knew what was that.
"Yes."
I said
"In psychology panick attack is when someone's lucks of air and it feels like they are drowning, and their heartbeat goes up to 130 and they feel like they are about to die, but nothing's is gonna happen to you, you are okay!"
She looked at me surprised for knowing all that stuffs and she asked me...
-What else do you remember?
-Maybe I didn't remember at first side what pronunciation is, but I know what psychology is and I share a special bond with it, as I share with you. Can you tell me now more than your name now?
-Okay. Okay. I met you at a mental hospital.
You were suffering of PTSD.
-What is a mental hospital.
I looked at her with wild eyes waiting for a minute to reply, when I said, PLEASE!
-A mental hospital is a place where you are locked in and the nurses are giving you pills from the morning till the night trying to help you recover from mental illness.
-Okay. And what were you there, were you a doctor? A nurse?
-I was a friend. I was also there getting my own medication, even though I am a therapist at profession.
-You are too old to be my friend.
(Laughs)
-Yes I am
-And how do I know about psychology?
-You are a student of psychology.
-I see.
But I was joking before when I told you you are too old to be my friend. I don't care about the age. And I can sense something inside your eyes that is so familiar to me.
She smiled at me.
-Really. Its like you are heaven's sent. Like an angel.
I also remember that from a young age I had heard about a guardian angels watching over us and I was always waiting for that angel to show up, but she never came.
-Your guardian angel is with you right now. And he wants to let you know that everything is going to be alright. But I am not your guardian angel, sweety.
-Okay.
Why was I in a mental hospital?
-You have something called PTSD.
-What is it?
-Post traumatic stress disorder.
-Which means?
-You have some images inside your brain that are annoying but you cannot forget them, they are stuck on your mind, soever you can't even handle them. And they are stressing you causing you problems in the present moment.
-Ironic, ha. Maybe its not so bad that I lost my memory after all.
-Don't ever say that!
-Why?
-Because we are talking about a car accident that could cost your life.


to be continued...