Taken from Poetizer as a epic I wrote earlier this year,
Dedicated to the pain I inflicted in my immature adult youth using love as a deceptive weapon, the journey through my tribulations, why I am inspired with love I must spread in this world with utter avail in the present age.
In the years of youth this epic must begin:
A rogue soul is born, now he's a old soul who is battletorn, but rejuvenated to a new life.
A young boy age of 3 taken and displaced into state custody.
Traumas happened much pain was inflicted on him.
Adopted at 5 the young rogue was so joyful to be alive and to have a mom who loved him as her own and still does as she's is aging with her love for me never ceasing.
Years past on as he grew each year,
more pain enshrouded in immense fear.
The adolescent rogue held onto his pain and abandonment and grief.
Feeling like a reject and a outcast freak.
Turning his heart against his family and faith.
But not once even to the present day, did the Rogue never ceased to take a solemn knee pray.
As a runaway with rebellious heart set on long term self destruction.
The rogue young soul enters this world with a rampage of lust for deceit and self induced spiritual and mental corruption.
Lies he told, webs spun out of control, pure rebellion, inside his soul.
Criminally minded he obtained a record as a thief;
Stealing what he could so he could have something to eat, to fill his hunger for worldly addictions to sedate the afflictions.
He turned from this path of theivery at the age of twenty.
Setting his heart back on God above he finds himself a new form of showing his twisted version of love.
He stole love from innocent hearts.
Something that still to this very day shames his heart.
Rogue lover he was as he entangled her not
with a pure intent to love, to hold and charish til death do us part;
but with intent to deceive. Words he used to manipulate, words now he can't even conceive.
The result was this:
True love gained from his Rogue like ways, her true love wasn't earned in a selfless way, he never truly deserved her love, that he conceitedly gained.
Pushing her away with lies and condemnation. Controlled and manipulated her heart, from the very start, on the first date.
She loved him pure as he led her to believe, knowing in his heart he was abusing Gods greatest gift.
They broke away as such was the fate of true love earned this way.
True love comes divinely from above. This he has always known at least to me.
The rogue still chose to fill his bowl with fruit sowed from what he reaped; while reaping what he sowed.
Drinking and carousing;
Parties and wild escapadeds.
This Rogue, young in his wanderlust, didn't learn from his ways in escapades.
For this was just a season that faded away;
Much of who he was then has been trimmed away now in this day.
In this present age, as he continues on in this epic of his own past self reflection, he shares his knowledge gained from the freedom being free of the Rogue bounded chains of twisted love and self destructive sabotage.
Going back to his tale:
He set sail in his Rogue pirate ship, charting a true north course, based on loyalty and honesty.
He turned his eyes to The Savior but even then still his wanderlust and selfish desires burned underneath that mask he put on to cover his brokenness inside.
In the middle of the pain of troubled waters of his chemical addictions. He zooms in from the crows nest of selfish desire, this time for all the right reason, he rescues a maiden from her own sea of trepidation of being head under water from loves she lost in the past. If he only saw the S.O.S. of those she destroyed before.
He never would have let her be the captain of his heart. She guided his ship as he fell head over board right into the keel, off of true north, at the price of the trust and loyalty between real intimate true love.
Love which he earned through honorable, selfless, humble means. Having various struggles led to harder times, still he stayed committed.
Back outside to the current day:
Reflecting back now my heart was well placed then
with pure honest intent, Even seeking answers from Him above, I was blind still from being silently shackled, by the Rogue man, hidden away as if he never existed.
So blind love can be to the dark forces unseen. I had my issues;
My God calls me to own my part. I must own I loved the bottle of booze much back then.
I was not a perfect loving man by no means. I reaped what I sowed. I sowed what I reaped.
For what I had done to others, was about to be
done unto me. "Do unto others as you would do to yourself".
Back to this Rogue pirate ship of love:
His teachings from his youth, still instilled within. Had to walk through the path he did, to learn exactly what He above wanted to teach him as he pirated the waters of a life, despite the strife, contained within.
For the Rogue man in true love was about to be returned to what he reaped when he began to sow.
As the time went on, one dispute to another, a happy time here and one there. Down on a knee he goes to bind himself to her as honorable as any fiancé should. Fully committed to go til death do we part. Things went as a bliss as we planned it all out even down to the date, and the ring.
Through the months she is pushed away by something any man should be able to provide. I still believe it will be only if He above ordains it to be for me to carry on my blood to a daughter or son.
He believed this as a young Rogue in true love back then.
Buy they still tried to conceive deeply rooted in their own sin.
She sliced at the deepest weak spot, she could, stabbing his manhood right in the heart.
As he traveled to mosquito ridden swamps full of big biting bugs and all sorts of poisonous snakes; in Florida.
Fighting forest fires to save many unknown others. He chose this career to well provide for the family she desired so desperately. The rogue man broke out briefly while away back east, one night fling became his secret to take to the
grave.
This is when she struck.
While he was in Florida she was seeking the arms of another man, who looked like the young rogue.
Her plan to deceive as she was led to believe her own deceptive web, just as the young Rogue had done to the first that chose to love him. Now he eats fruit out of a bowl he earned.
His self righteous heart had finally been broken with out a tear, humiliating him to the core, the moment when she had confessed her affair when he got home,
She gave him a steak dinner when he got home,
Something very very out of the everyday norm.
She did not hesitate, to attempt to reparate, the damage she had done.
Being self righteous as he was he held his own secret of a one time fling he had while away, sad to say, pride can make a selfish fool, drown even more in his own self created pool of egotistical self image.
As he left her home the Rogue man smiled conceitedly, he saddled up, brushing the dust of his steed of self righteous, and egotistical pride. Moving on with aggressive speed, his canter to a gallop, to fully open lightning fast speed.
Stepping away into this present moment:
This next part is how I was torn apart by someone truly evil with a pure narcissistic heart, reader beware if someone treats you this way you must at all costs do anything to get away. Abuse has no gender or sex separation it can go all ways, those who abuse;
In part do it to feed themselves perverted love off the cost of our pain through our sufferings of our pasts. Using and manipulating everything to hold that deathly grip.
There is always help, Hopefully this will help give you the nudge you need, God save me I needed a nudge at that time. I pray for you if this speaks to you or someone you know please stay and read on.
Back to this epic tail of a love perverted to utterly destroy every good thing left inside me, God above had other plans, I had to pass through this tribulation to stand as a living testament of a victim of abuse, from a man's perspective.
Lets continue on without delay:
Hastily he rides into his next love, this time blinded by lustful desire, he falls in love yet once more, this one sets his pride on fire, crushing all he was led to believe, decimating him to his core.
This one is worse then anything before, years living with her as a man controlled in all ways at home, He had to use the young guarded Rogue,
Using it as a persona; to survive this dark time. Using his rogue ways to live a separate life, one full of drugs to numb the true reality of hell at home, life of parties and work that led to many months of travel away. Behind it all he did it all to escape someone who he felt entrapped by with no escape.
Anything he did whether good or bad was used as black mail against him, so she could control ever aspect of his life with mind games and guilt trips. So many spammed texts and calls. Her obsession to control was truly insane. The damage no longer hurt, so much he became numb, truly seeing she was the product of brokenness caused by her own childhood wounds she lashed it out to him.
Broken abused at home many years later, this Rogue heart had took all he could. He finally saw it and called her out by name, in his heart,
Succubus, killer of my heart, begone depart from me at once, you have no place at the table of my heart!
As he pleaded on his knees time and time again. Bleeding in spirit in his tears. Finally the answer came, not from voices outside but a small quiet one, deep on the inside. He above seen he had been though enough, knowing the exact day minute and time.
Coming back to present day:
Tribulations can happen some take years or even a lifetime sad to say, looking in hindsight I can say if it wasn't for this time in life and this particular person;
The life I led before her could have easily led to be exactly like her or if possible worse.
I would not be here sharing any of this if I hadn't persevered through all the tribulations with a glimmer of hope from Him above planted as seed within the disciplined upbringing of my youth.
Even in my darkest hours I now know He carried me through the years of her torment when I couldn't carry myself.
We travel on to the final ending part of this epic:
Brain washed, he was truly humbled;
Stripped of all his pride;
He finally sees, he has a need;
Only Him above could give in his hour of desperate need.
He reaches out on bended knee. He above never provides what we think we want, He provides exactly what we truly need, when we need it. This was that time for him, it arrived with a peace that can't be explained.
Taking no heed, he took the steps, not to love others ever again until he finally learns to love himself.
Loving without loving oneself is loving others with only half a heart behind it. Pure selfless love with out self image is the most powerful force in the universe.
He commits to working on the rebel Rogue within, learning to love self to be able to love others right where they sit
Days to months, to years, this man is free, unshackled finally from the man he used to be.
Through this time many years of self reflection, prayers, real friends. He begins to trust himself again with God's precious gift of love. He swears a solemn oath to never be bound to self righteous pride or self image again.
This man is a Rogue no more. Has no need to keep a score of loves lost or gained.
Through this written epic tale of a fully repented changed man;
The Rogue man manipulator of hearts and heart manipulated; ceases even now to be no more.
All he cares about now is loving others through the power of written word, spoken and unspoken.
Though he isn't perfect by no means. He knows what real love is, true honest power empowering him from within.
It only comes from full balance of loving Him above first, self, then only then to be spread love with utter avail to this world we all are in, including for you who have read thus far.
I share this epic with a prayer written within. I ask Him
above to speak to those who have read, to shine light
where only He can brighten, Hope restored in those
convicted from this tale.
I pray this speaks directly to your heart so you know
even in the darkest pit, thickest jungle, or locked deepinside the walls of isolation, either by choice or by forces outside.
There is always hope no matter what you have donc
or been though. I solemnly stand with you though
I'l never meet you. I love you all right where you sit,
without condemnation nor judgement.
I am called to love those who are deemed unfit.
As I once was casted away and rejected time and time again.
The thing that helps me the most to fight against the old man I used to be is to rememeber Him who came and died for me.
We all are gifted, in so many ways;
It is the language of divine love inspired.
Through loving actions and written words;
Unspoken or unwritten.
Remember its not the words of the poetry that speak to the soul, it's the pure emotion divine love lighting the fire behind it.
For if not done out of love, this poet would blow away as well as his words he share;
written, spoken or unspoken.
I truly understand and care.
To be as it is written
Testified for my love of Christ,
It is all for His glory in my life;
Through my trials and storms.

© SoloHeart