We met one another Broken. We attempted to put in the pieces that we felt was missing in each others hearts. To me this doesn’t feel real, but a bad dream. One that I wish I could wake up to and you’ll be here laughing and smiling in my arms. It’s hard to hold on, but even harder to let go. You brought me closer to God, took care of me in my time of need. You were more than just my wife, you were the better part of me. All you wanted was a beautiful White House and Pickett fence with a traditional church wedding in the face of God while holding my hand and saying our vows. Unfortunately, we never got there. Instead parted ways because romantically we just weren’t there. All the bickering and arguments kept stressing us so much, I had to pull my own hair. A man suppose to lead the way, be gentleman with wisdom that shows growth along the way. And I know expectations is something we all have, but this taught me to leave expectations out the window and instead decide to let in or out when that someone steps in the front door. A king is absolutely nothing without a queen by his side. He holds it all together in any storm, in any weather. His queen is his support system when he feels he’s dissolving. Strengthens his ego perhaps, but that’s all it takes to get his heart pumping. He forms a foundation and is strong where walls won’t crumble at all. You loved me so intense and I never understood it. It may have been in your own way, but it’s hard to accept. You won’t be around next time I break a sweat. I wish I had more time because time is truly crucial. To apologize for all the things I’ve said, for all the things I never did.
I learned time is precious, so you must conserve each and every second. My only wish is that you forgive me for not being the man you needed me to be. You envision something different, but I just couldn’t play that position. I must admit because that wasn’t truly me. I couldn’t play the role of the wannabe even if it mean you’ll live happily. I need you to know though, that it was always ok to be a little different, and that it wasn’t my intention to say the words that came out of my mouth while I was trapped inside my head blabbing nonsense out. I do love you, always will and still do. Might have not been shown as often as it could have, and I allowed my arrogant ways to come between showing you who I truly am. A hopeless romantic and passionate man. Now I sit here alone reminiscing the good moments together. The days we genuinely felt we were made for one another. The days you and I smile as I began looking at all the photos in our devices. Year after year we’ve been through more than couples who put in at least 10 years. This December 19 would’ve made us married for 3 full years. Six years altogether. All the memories made will live inside of me forever. I’m here writing, which is all I could do to express the feelings I can’t speak into words overdue. I’m here stuck and traumatized with a pause on my face. Tears wanting to fall out, me wanting to scream loud, “please oh please God, can you hear me out! I’m on my knees begging you now. Give her another chance at life so I could see what she saw when she saw your light. I’m still blind in faith. I slap myself in the face. If this all a dream, I shout, I like for you to wake us right now!” Let this just be a nightmare and we will wake up soon. I can’t do this alone lord have mercy because I need you. Strengthen my faith so I can see the glory I’ve been hearing about my entire life and I can follow in your path, so let it start tonight. 🙏
© Johnny Cigars