This profound feeling of astonishment that every piece, story poem 10000+ words. have all been telling the same story. the story that on every page is written the same only with different ink. while every piece has been written on different times, different people, different mediums. every word that was written 2 years ago until present. all 8332 words have been written with the same topic subliminal in nature. Dorment with anticipation. Eagerly waiting for every story to guide towards change.. Every count of sabotage performed, recited with countless depictions of the same feeling. Inhibitory exposed willfully placed on display within every line. I can now accept that I am complete with this chapter of self discovery. A time When I feared intimacy, was a time. I feared myself.

How unprecedented this calming sense of clairvoyant awakening soothed the spasms in my heart. Terrified that the next story written would be the one of losing you. All the while recognizing that I haven't changed. This one instant in time has revealed a means to see. My emotions in tow. Set free around you. This is why i must become aware of the consequences of my selfish desires? I don not want to only seek and embrace whichever form of affection has been presented to me. simultaneously convincing myself maybe this time it'll be different if i just try to share my every vulnerability . innocently form the first hello until the last display of patients. I never intended to Hurt anyone. I fear rejection, unintentionally chase a means in order to present myself as wanting to be the embodiment of perfection. A perfection spoken to a shell with deaf ears. unknowingly this has afflicted me for so long. if I'm not perfect for you then…
I'll be abandoned.

These are the thoughts controlling my need to please. Pleasure to bring you to a blissful story tale. A tale that I try to force as the foundation of this fear of intimacy has been built on. sabotage thought as a way to sabotage a relationship by sacrificeng all that you loved into all that disgust you enough to give up. this is the demon inside. his name is the fear of intimacy.

I value you. so I fear that I am gonna lose you.
it was the idea that we are tettering on opened scars. I can't be another scar. Every moment since I first wrote to now. every segment was about me not them. they did not hurt me I hurt myself and thought I knew what love was. how terriblely mistaken have I been. I still do not know what love is. I only know what direction to travel. love may never come. hurt will ever be present. awareness only happens when you seek for answers never questioned

© DJN87