There was something magical about you. I couldn't help but wanted to get to know you more. Even though you had a smile on your face, you've been through so much. Being a victim of childhood rape and child abuse, you managed to be strong. I too grew up being a victim of abuse and what brought us together was our common bond of love. I loved you and you loved me and I knew I didn't want you to leave me. For a long time, we had to hide our relationships from our friends and families because we wanted to keep it private and plus, we were afraid of being judged. I remember the day we first made love, it was such a beautiful experience. You allowed me to dominate you and yet still take care of you. We've done martial arts together and even played music together and no matter what we did, we always had fun together. I wanted to cry when I heard that you had stage four cancer. When things were going well, that's when the bad news came. My heart wept for you and I just couldn't believe that you were slipping away. You looked me in the eyes and kissed me so passionately and I didn't want you to leave me. I remember the day when you passed away, my heart was shattered. I found you asleep in bed and your body was cold. No more would I see my best friend and lover. No more would I see my boyfriend and companion. No more would I be able to hug and kiss you. All I could do was kiss your forehead and just be in a daze. The paramedics came and took your body away and I knew that my life wouldn't be the same anymore. You were the first man I ever kissed and the only person I gave my heart and soul. The fact that you're not here anymore disturbed me then and still disturbs me now. We had plans of getting married and having our family and all of that was taken away. You told me stories of being abused sexually and physically as a child and every time you told those stories, my heart just wanted to break. I promised you that I wouldn't hurt you and the fact that we lasted for so long proves that true love really exists. Before we were together, I didn't believe in love. I was used to being abused and I was used to being hurt, but you changed my mindset. You loved me when I was in a helpless state and I'm forever grateful to you. When you were sick and dying, I was right by your side and my love for you never dimmed. The day you were laying in your casket, I struggled to move. I saw my boyfriend, my lover, my best friend and someone I loved in a casket and I didn't want to live. Seeing so many broken people in a church with me was heartbreaking. It was cancer that took the love of my life away from me. It was cancer that robbed me of marrying the man of my dreams. After you passed, I found myself being angry and depressed. I attempted to end my life a few times, but failed. I started drinking and smoking again and I was near death. I tried getting back out there in the dating scene, but no other man had the same charisma, charm and personality you had. When we were together, I felt complete and whole. Now that you're dead and gone, I feel like a shell of myself. I feel like a part of me is gone and I don't think I'll ever recover. You used to make me smile when I wasn't smiling. Your smile alone was the sexiest part of you I loved. Your muscles, abs and great physique also turned me on, but you did whatever it took to make me happy and I'm thankful that I made you happy and you made me happy as well. My lover and my best friend you'll always be and I promise that I won't ever love anyone the same way I loved you. This isn't a goodbye, it's more of a hello. I'm saying hello to you in a way I've never said before. I'm saying hello to someone who's my guardian angel. I'm saying hello to you because the moment I say goodbye to you is the moment I don't want to live anymore. I'm still in love with you and I'm never going to stop loving you.





© Josiah Bhola Hillaire