2 views
This Maniac
~It's just a brain, man.
I spend a large amount of my time thinking, and not really talking. I'm around my girlfriend a lot, and around my work peoples often, but other than that, I seldom see my friend. My girlfriend and I just tend to drive each other nuts for fun because we don't like talking about each others things, so we resort to teasing and pushing each other's buttons. So from the result of this, I spend most of my time thinking instead of actually talking to someone. Even when I talk to someone, I tend to bring most of the conversation to the table, and I lay it all out with another person, just so I can see my thoughts better. My friends become my note pad.
~What's over there?
Where do I see myself in the future? I don't. I don't think far into the future. I act now, and I think about it later. If I have full confidence in my abilities, and I trust ill make the best decision always, then I have nothing to worry about. I can leave my body on autopilot while I delve into my own mind, where it tends to be nicer. Why would I have to think of my actions before I do them if I fully believe I am capable of delivering my actions appropriately? I regret nothing, because I don't have to. My actions are who I am, even if I didn't intend to do something, it still built who I am today. Regret is a poor emotion. You're better off with accepting yourself instead of punishing yourself. You're only human after all.
~Mega magnets.
Other people hold me back, and I'll stand by that until I die. I molded the best me I could be, and here I am, hitting the ceiling of the perfect person. My only fault is the actions of other people cause me to feel. I am diagnosed psychotic, and I believe it to be a good trait to have, because I am able to change how I feel about something immediately, if I see it more fitting. The only problem with this is, other people around me have to deal with it. There are some things I refuse to change how I feel about because I see it in my best interest. If things were to change, then I would easily change my mind. Having evidence is a thing that will change my feelings easily, as well with most intelligent people. But if I stand by something I firmly believe in, I will not budge until the one I stand before causes me to avoid them. Then I'll move.
~High are you?
I've done a lot of drugs, and I mean a lot. I don't anymore, I feel like I've learned what I can from them, and at this point I'd just be wasting my health. Drugs aren't bad, drug abuse is, and I've done both. Since I've hit what I thought was the highest of highs, when I first tried dmt, I thought I was ready. I loaded up my pipe with a good solid 0.15g of n-n dmt, and I pulled it all back and held it in my lungs until my lungs felt cold, covered in iron and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I exhaled. Within 5 second my vision started to crumble, reality shattered, I felt straight back into my chair and the lights to my existence, when out. This was all within 10 seconds. I lost everything, no sight, no self awareness, no body, nothing. I was brought to hell, I was drug though the deepest parts of it. I wasn't even able to understand anything that was going on. Who am I? I couldn't even fathom the idea of what that could have even meant. This feeling felt like it never started, and was never going to end. I hit maximum ego death. Time dilation causing me to feel like I've been there forever. I can not express the length of how long it felt, but I can Tel you it was only 7 minutes when I was able to see again. At this point I didn't even know what was real yet, I'm waking up from what felt like an infinite amount of deaths. I still didn't feel real. This only lasted for about 3 minutes, and after about 5 minutes of cooling down, and 10 minutes of saying "I'm never doing that again!", I became sober. Then 7 days pass and I did it again, and again, and again. Dmt is the reason why I'm sober now, it scared me to the point that I needed to be sober to remain calm.
~Bring it on!
This is who I am, the results of my surroundings. But who is that? The me I see myself and the me my mind sees myself, are 2 different persons. The me that you assume I might be is nothing compared to who I am, as well the me my parents see. Maybe I am my intentions? Although I don't have any intentions. I swing my bat when nothing is coming. I am not the me that my girlfriend sees. So who am I really, am I the me I think I am? We are subjects, we would have to consider that I am all of these versions of me.
~Paint me like this.
I am a strong believer in customization. I love changing my appearance all the time and adding to my collection of tattoos and various body modifications. Some use this as a form of expression, to me, I am a canvas and I am the artist. Too many people hate me for how I look, and it baffles me because I did absolutely nothing to them, and yet, these people feel they have the right to verbally destroy me. We live amount horrible people, and we let them hurt us. We are a species to which is poison to itself.
~Ouch, my feelings.
I am a pained artist. I've been to the depths of my inner hell and torn apart by the public, beat as a child and neglected by many that claimed they loved me. I somehow am able to stand tall and still keep a smile on my face everyday and brush the damage off me and treat other people with respect, or at least to those who deserve it.
~Rings apart.
My very first relationship was garbage, but I chaced the first month for 3 years before I broke and removed myself from her. She tricked me into having children, to which I don't see. I've seen them 2 times since the separation, which was nearly 6 years ago. She threatened to leave me unless I gave her a child, twice. Abusing my codependency, I gave in, only after fighting with her about it for months. So now there are 2 kids out there who don't know who their other parent is. Have I mind you, when I met this woman, I told her I wanted to be a woman and she ridiculed me for it and resented me, and she knew this from day one. It only became a problem when the kids were born. Since then, I have taken the steps to changing my gender which involved surgery and various other steps like hormone replacement and therapy, legal gender change and name change and a few more surgeries to come. The world can hate me for changing my gender, but I won't stay prisonor in a gender I didn't want to be part of. I rather die by the hands of my haters, than to eat out of the hands of them.
~Unit 9
At one point in my life someone hurt someone I love and I wanted to kill that person. Instead of doing that, I went to the hospital instead and stayed there for a bit. Doctors said I'm psychotic, but also very intelligent through various sessions with psychologists. They gave my some antipsychotics to chill my brain out and then let me leave after a week. To this day I still believe that human shouldn't be allowed to live, but also, I like being not in prison. I also don't take my antipsychotics anymore, but I'm good, trust me. I'm able to keep my cool about things and make good decisions. Even though I have psychotic tendencies, I'm still level headed.
~Unit nein!
I suffer from hypomanic episodes, well, the people around me suffer from them, I'm having a hay day over here when I'm in these states. My most recent mania involved me becoming infatuated over a german girl that I met online, while I still had a girlfriend. Everything ironed out in the end and I'm still with my girlfriend. She took this event extremely mature and helped me through it, although it took me around 6 weeks to fully peel from it. The only good thing from this is I decided to learn some german and I stuck to it afterwards. "Ich habe eine sehr shöne freundin, und sie ist aber klug". I've had minor manic episodes, but this one took the cake. I was up for 4 days straight before someone reminded me of my seroquel, and then I took some of the for about 4 week to ease myself out of this episode.
~School for maniacs.
I have my grade 8. School was something I hated, I hated the kids, I hated 90% of my teachers. I had a very little amount of friends all the way up to now. I did nothing in school, and I mean absolutely nothing. I failed every grade. I felt I was wasting my time. I was smarter than most of the kids and all of my teachers. I was told bu literally everyone in my entire childhood that I was going nowhere, and I was going to be a human failure and a mooch. Boy were they wrong. I currently own a business that nets over a million dollars a year. And I'm a worker, I have enough employees to count on 1 hand and we are a good team and I am a fantastic leader. We crush it. Don't let anyone tell you anything, figure it out on your own. If you want something, make it happen. Grade 8, it's all I needed.
~Optimistic Nihilism.
Doesn't matter what you do in life, your social status, or how much money you make, or how nice you are to people, we all die someday, and every current memory or document will be forgotten. We will all become one at some point. So everyone that has done you wrong, or holds some sort of status above your head and belittles you, they will die, and so will you, and you will become equal.
~Said by who reached enlightenment.
Be nice to people, and treat them how they want to be treated. Forgive people for their ignorance. I've been working on my hatred, and all I can do is breathe. We would be better if we listened to each other. Much love.
© Envelope Penelope
I spend a large amount of my time thinking, and not really talking. I'm around my girlfriend a lot, and around my work peoples often, but other than that, I seldom see my friend. My girlfriend and I just tend to drive each other nuts for fun because we don't like talking about each others things, so we resort to teasing and pushing each other's buttons. So from the result of this, I spend most of my time thinking instead of actually talking to someone. Even when I talk to someone, I tend to bring most of the conversation to the table, and I lay it all out with another person, just so I can see my thoughts better. My friends become my note pad.
~What's over there?
Where do I see myself in the future? I don't. I don't think far into the future. I act now, and I think about it later. If I have full confidence in my abilities, and I trust ill make the best decision always, then I have nothing to worry about. I can leave my body on autopilot while I delve into my own mind, where it tends to be nicer. Why would I have to think of my actions before I do them if I fully believe I am capable of delivering my actions appropriately? I regret nothing, because I don't have to. My actions are who I am, even if I didn't intend to do something, it still built who I am today. Regret is a poor emotion. You're better off with accepting yourself instead of punishing yourself. You're only human after all.
~Mega magnets.
Other people hold me back, and I'll stand by that until I die. I molded the best me I could be, and here I am, hitting the ceiling of the perfect person. My only fault is the actions of other people cause me to feel. I am diagnosed psychotic, and I believe it to be a good trait to have, because I am able to change how I feel about something immediately, if I see it more fitting. The only problem with this is, other people around me have to deal with it. There are some things I refuse to change how I feel about because I see it in my best interest. If things were to change, then I would easily change my mind. Having evidence is a thing that will change my feelings easily, as well with most intelligent people. But if I stand by something I firmly believe in, I will not budge until the one I stand before causes me to avoid them. Then I'll move.
~High are you?
I've done a lot of drugs, and I mean a lot. I don't anymore, I feel like I've learned what I can from them, and at this point I'd just be wasting my health. Drugs aren't bad, drug abuse is, and I've done both. Since I've hit what I thought was the highest of highs, when I first tried dmt, I thought I was ready. I loaded up my pipe with a good solid 0.15g of n-n dmt, and I pulled it all back and held it in my lungs until my lungs felt cold, covered in iron and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I exhaled. Within 5 second my vision started to crumble, reality shattered, I felt straight back into my chair and the lights to my existence, when out. This was all within 10 seconds. I lost everything, no sight, no self awareness, no body, nothing. I was brought to hell, I was drug though the deepest parts of it. I wasn't even able to understand anything that was going on. Who am I? I couldn't even fathom the idea of what that could have even meant. This feeling felt like it never started, and was never going to end. I hit maximum ego death. Time dilation causing me to feel like I've been there forever. I can not express the length of how long it felt, but I can Tel you it was only 7 minutes when I was able to see again. At this point I didn't even know what was real yet, I'm waking up from what felt like an infinite amount of deaths. I still didn't feel real. This only lasted for about 3 minutes, and after about 5 minutes of cooling down, and 10 minutes of saying "I'm never doing that again!", I became sober. Then 7 days pass and I did it again, and again, and again. Dmt is the reason why I'm sober now, it scared me to the point that I needed to be sober to remain calm.
~Bring it on!
This is who I am, the results of my surroundings. But who is that? The me I see myself and the me my mind sees myself, are 2 different persons. The me that you assume I might be is nothing compared to who I am, as well the me my parents see. Maybe I am my intentions? Although I don't have any intentions. I swing my bat when nothing is coming. I am not the me that my girlfriend sees. So who am I really, am I the me I think I am? We are subjects, we would have to consider that I am all of these versions of me.
~Paint me like this.
I am a strong believer in customization. I love changing my appearance all the time and adding to my collection of tattoos and various body modifications. Some use this as a form of expression, to me, I am a canvas and I am the artist. Too many people hate me for how I look, and it baffles me because I did absolutely nothing to them, and yet, these people feel they have the right to verbally destroy me. We live amount horrible people, and we let them hurt us. We are a species to which is poison to itself.
~Ouch, my feelings.
I am a pained artist. I've been to the depths of my inner hell and torn apart by the public, beat as a child and neglected by many that claimed they loved me. I somehow am able to stand tall and still keep a smile on my face everyday and brush the damage off me and treat other people with respect, or at least to those who deserve it.
~Rings apart.
My very first relationship was garbage, but I chaced the first month for 3 years before I broke and removed myself from her. She tricked me into having children, to which I don't see. I've seen them 2 times since the separation, which was nearly 6 years ago. She threatened to leave me unless I gave her a child, twice. Abusing my codependency, I gave in, only after fighting with her about it for months. So now there are 2 kids out there who don't know who their other parent is. Have I mind you, when I met this woman, I told her I wanted to be a woman and she ridiculed me for it and resented me, and she knew this from day one. It only became a problem when the kids were born. Since then, I have taken the steps to changing my gender which involved surgery and various other steps like hormone replacement and therapy, legal gender change and name change and a few more surgeries to come. The world can hate me for changing my gender, but I won't stay prisonor in a gender I didn't want to be part of. I rather die by the hands of my haters, than to eat out of the hands of them.
~Unit 9
At one point in my life someone hurt someone I love and I wanted to kill that person. Instead of doing that, I went to the hospital instead and stayed there for a bit. Doctors said I'm psychotic, but also very intelligent through various sessions with psychologists. They gave my some antipsychotics to chill my brain out and then let me leave after a week. To this day I still believe that human shouldn't be allowed to live, but also, I like being not in prison. I also don't take my antipsychotics anymore, but I'm good, trust me. I'm able to keep my cool about things and make good decisions. Even though I have psychotic tendencies, I'm still level headed.
~Unit nein!
I suffer from hypomanic episodes, well, the people around me suffer from them, I'm having a hay day over here when I'm in these states. My most recent mania involved me becoming infatuated over a german girl that I met online, while I still had a girlfriend. Everything ironed out in the end and I'm still with my girlfriend. She took this event extremely mature and helped me through it, although it took me around 6 weeks to fully peel from it. The only good thing from this is I decided to learn some german and I stuck to it afterwards. "Ich habe eine sehr shöne freundin, und sie ist aber klug". I've had minor manic episodes, but this one took the cake. I was up for 4 days straight before someone reminded me of my seroquel, and then I took some of the for about 4 week to ease myself out of this episode.
~School for maniacs.
I have my grade 8. School was something I hated, I hated the kids, I hated 90% of my teachers. I had a very little amount of friends all the way up to now. I did nothing in school, and I mean absolutely nothing. I failed every grade. I felt I was wasting my time. I was smarter than most of the kids and all of my teachers. I was told bu literally everyone in my entire childhood that I was going nowhere, and I was going to be a human failure and a mooch. Boy were they wrong. I currently own a business that nets over a million dollars a year. And I'm a worker, I have enough employees to count on 1 hand and we are a good team and I am a fantastic leader. We crush it. Don't let anyone tell you anything, figure it out on your own. If you want something, make it happen. Grade 8, it's all I needed.
~Optimistic Nihilism.
Doesn't matter what you do in life, your social status, or how much money you make, or how nice you are to people, we all die someday, and every current memory or document will be forgotten. We will all become one at some point. So everyone that has done you wrong, or holds some sort of status above your head and belittles you, they will die, and so will you, and you will become equal.
~Said by who reached enlightenment.
Be nice to people, and treat them how they want to be treated. Forgive people for their ignorance. I've been working on my hatred, and all I can do is breathe. We would be better if we listened to each other. Much love.
© Envelope Penelope
