"Are there any more prayer requests?"

Silence.

Pulse quickening, I try thinking of what to say.
How do I process this tangled mess of feelings?

What even do I feel?
Loneliness? Social isolation? Ineptitude? Depression? Self-loathing?

The words die
before even reaching my mouth.

I glance at my crush as class goes on,
feeling the building regret
at my lack of ability to communicate effectively.

Walking out of the room an hour later,
my heart aches for a love I fear never finding.

Why is it all so hard?

Hellos, goodbyes.

Asking after friends,
seeking points of connection.

Lacking courage to take that first step.

It gets to me.

The stress just keeps multiplying, too.

Unending drama at home,
the same issues coming from someone
who no longer has the capacity to address them.

The addiction trying to pull down my mind,
drawing focus from the sacred to the profane.

They say there is a season for everything.
But I doubt that these oscillations between feeling "okay" to losing my will to exist every single week are normal.

The clawing darkness inside won't disappear, instead tearing its way deeper into my psyche.

The weight won't leave my heart,
instead seeming to grow every week.

I don't even know how to ask for help,
or who to go to.

My struggles remain silent, unseen, unspoken.


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