Years after graduation, a lot of things happened. I was not in the same class with the nerd. Still, he was the campus’ crush. Only then did I realize he was actually a good-looking guy. He was handsome, and he’s got a great smile. He was always surrounded by people. He played a lot of sports, and girls would gather to cheer him up. I was left looking at him from a distance. I started to look at him as a guy, not just a friend. I realized my feelings, when I couldn’t spend time with him like I used to.
I became just like one of his fans, coming to cheer him up when he played. A lot might see him as a perfect guy, but I knew his flaw, he felt scared too. He was easy to have pressure when people set expectations to him. That was when I decided to repay him.
One time, my mother knocked my door, telling me he was outside the house to see me. I was happy. When I saw him, he smiled at me and asked if he could borrow my guitar as he is having a performance. His father was a politician and he was tasked to perform in an event. Behind his smile, I knew he was scared: scared of making mistake. I gave him my guitar. I knew he had his own, he just made an excuse to borrow mine. I believe he wanted to tell me something. He left with my guitar, and without another word.
I smiled as I changed my clothes and attended the event. I hid myself in a crowed. When his father called for his performance, he stood there looking at the people. I just knew he didn’t have much confidence to himself. He started strumming his voice were shaking. People just kept silent, watching him. I knew he was nervous that I walked through the crowd for him to see me. I waved my hands to get his attention. I knew he was surprised to see me and might have caused him to be scared even more. I just smiled and signaled him to calm down. I even sing along with him. I just knew people are watching me, but I never left my eyes on him, trying to create a safe zone for him. I just kept my smile and acted like I enjoyed his song, which I really did. His voice went better, I even see him smile as he was singing.
People that time was enjoying his performance as well. There were girls who were taking his pictures, and videos. They were talking about how he put together those lines from different songs of a single artist. I felt him enjoying his own performance. I just felt proud. The crowd gave him a round of applause, and I went home right after his performance.
After that night, he would go to my class during breaks and sits beside me, playing with my phone. He was the campus crush so I, too could get the attention from others. I was uncomfortable so I avoided him. I would stay in the bathroom during breaks so he couldn’t find me. I was not confident. I was fat that time. I do not know how to use make up, and I didn’t even act like a girl. They said I looked like an old lady. Being with him, I thought it was not a good idea.
Things changed when I hanged out with my friends. I had few drinks, but I was still sober. He came to join us. Of course, girls flirted with him. He was nice, and talked to them. I felt bad like I didn’t want to see it happening. I decided to go home. I left, and went to the seashore. I just cried my feelings out when he sat beside me. I wiped my tears, and he asked me what went wrong. He told me that he noticed that I was avoiding him. I just lied and said, I didn’t want others to misunderstand our friendship. Truth is, I was just afraid of falling deeper. I told him that I was crying because I had a fight with my brother.
I stood up and walked away. He followed me. It was dark. I tripped, and hit a coconut tree. He ran to me, and asked if I’m okay. I just forced a smile and pushed him away. He held my elbow and pushed me against the coconut tree, trapping me between his arms. My heart was raising, it was like that of a scene from a romantic movie. I looked at him, and I saw anger in his eyes. He just looked at me. He sighed, looking at the sand beneath our feet. He looked back at me; I was nervous as I felt like I was in a movie. I pushed him lightly just so he wouldn’t misunderstand me of being angry.
He just held my thick waist and leaned in for a kiss. He just put his lips on mine without it moving. I was surprised and it felt like my heart stop beating for few seconds. My mind went blank, I do not know how to respond in such situation. It was like beauty and the beast, except that I was the beast. He let go of my lips and looked at me still with my eyes wide open in surprise. I blink for a few times. He leaned in again. I was afraid, someone could see us. So, before he could kiss me again, I pushed him and walked away without a word. He didn’t follow me. After that I didn’t talk to him and avoided him.
I was not sure. It was my dream for him to look at me as a lady, not just a friend. But when he did, I just couldn’t be happy. I worried.
One time, my classmate borrowed my phone. I gave it to her and went to the bathroom. When I returned, she just told me that my friend from other class took it with him. I knew it was him. I waited for him to return it, but even after class he didn’t. I was left with no choice; I went to their house. He told me that he would return it if I talk to him. I did. He told me his feelings, and I just laughed my worries. He held my hand, and told me to be serious. I sighed and said, he was a campus crush, how could he have a feeling to someone as ugly as me. He looked at me, “you’re not ugly” he responded. I chuckled, “I’m fat” said I. He held me, and tried carrying me. When he couldn’t lift me up, I just pushed him lightly. I looked at him, I knew what he felt was true. He may not care about my looks, but I do.
If I end up being with him, I will only be criticized. He hugged me, in front of their house. I pushed him away as I saw his father coming out. Luckily, his father is a nice person and just smiled at me. I was all embarrassed. I looked at him. He had his pleading eyes. I was supposed to be happy, but I was not. I sighed and told him, “just wait. I am not ready for this.” I snatched my phone from him and left.
I didn’t contact him, and still avoided him. After that conversation, I decided to go on a diet. I am too embarrassed to be seen exercising that I only exercised in my bed room. Months passed, and people started to notice I was losing weight. I went in an extreme diet and exercise, that I was hospitalized by not doing it right. But I still continued eating less and working out. Still, I avoided him. Even if I see him at school, I would stay away from him.
However, time came when a campus beauty had a crush on him. The news was all over the campus, I was too insecure. She was so beautiful, enough for me to back off. Teachers and students were calling them a perfect couple. Teachers would always pair them up in hosting school events and leading bands and other school activities. Insecurities consume me that I end up skipping classes. My grades dropped. He might have heard the news. One day while I was skipping classes, he looked for me. I just noticed students pointing at me and when I turned, he was standing in front of me with his brows pinching together in anger. He nagged me about my behavior. I was nervous as others were looking at me that I left the place as fast as I could. He followed me and grabbed my elbow to stop. I pushed his hand lightly, telling him not to draw attention. He told me to meet after school.
I waited for the classes to end. I saw him with a teacher and the campus beauty walking down the stair from the second floor of the building. I saw the campus beauty hit his shoulder, it just reminded me how good they are together. I was about to leave. It was too much for me to bear. He saw me and ran after me. He handed me his phone. I raised my confused brows. The campus beauty was looking at us. I looked away, I felt so insecure. “Give me your phone, by that I make sure you will wait for me. It won’t take long.” I did and waited for minutes. There were few students left.
It’s almost hour of waiting, I stood up to leave, but he someone throw a ball at me. I turned to look and it was him. Beside him was the school beauty. She looked at me like she was going to laugh at the way I looked. “Let’s play” demands him. I sighed and put my bag beside his. The school beauty and her friends looked at me like they were criticizing me on their head. “You lost weight. I heard you were hospitalized.” I just ignored him and dribbled the ball. We played without talking. After few minutes, he stopped and told me that he would send me home. We just walk without talking.
The next day, people in school had the rumor that he was dating the campus’ beauty. I knew it wasn’t true, but people like them together. I was still on my diet and exercise. For a year, I was in a better shape. We were about to graduate the next academic year. Before it started, I spent my vacation buying girly stuffs. I was a boyish, but I thought it’s time for me to try something new. Not for him, but for me. I just didn’t want to live with insecurities. I want to be more confident. I started to watch make up tutorial in YouTube, and practiced in my room. I am more on natural look. I even studied about how a lady should act and talk.
First day of class started, I put on everything that I prepared. I ironed my uniform and put on my school shoes with three-inched heels. I put on a light make up. I tied my hair in a neat pony tail which I did for the first time. I wore perfume, and grabbed my sling bag. From the moment I stepped out of the house, people are looking at me. I knew I looked weird, I just applied what I learned during school break. When I reached the campus, students are looking at me. No, not because I look beautiful but because, “I thought she was a lesbian. I even saw her playing basketball with guys last year”. My heart was beating fast, I started to sweat because of what I heard.
I managed to make it in my classroom. I had my friends from last year and they were cheering like they have seen a miracle. They were shouting, “finally, you have turned into a lady!” and some were saying, “finally, you’ve became a human!” It was just their joke, I knew. I just smiled like what I’ve learned. I saw the campus beauty in the same class as I was, but beside her was him. I wasn’t comfortable to be in the same class as him and my rival. He looked at me, but he was looking at me with cold eyes.
A month passed and I’ve been receiving friend requests from other guys in the campus. I had suitors, but I only liked him. I thought I was ready, ready to accept him, but he was avoiding me. Instead, he was talking to the campus beauty the way we did before. Every day was a torture. I pretended to be doing just fine and entertained other guys. It was childish of us. I made him jealous, and he did the same. We were hurting each other and we both knew it, but none of us wants to talk it all out. I mean, it’s like we were strangers.
One night, I hanged out with my old friends and he happened to be there. After talking to them, I decided to go home. It was raining and I knew he didn’t bring an umbrella. He asked me if to share mine with him. We walked the dark empty street. We were silent, but he asked me for a talk. We stopped by the basketball court where we used to play. We were sitting next to each other, just starring at the space we used to play. He sighed. I looked at him, so he did. “I miss you” said him. I was surprised. I was just staring at him. He leaned in to me. I didn’t move, and wait for what would happen next. He kissed me. I closed my eyes, I knew, I missed him too. Tears fell out my eyes. He cupped my cheeks and wiped my tears. He hugged me.
He asked me to be his girlfriend. I knew our love was still there no matter how far we’ve been away from each other. Even if we try to ignore the feelings, I just knew we still love each other no matter how hard life can be. I said, “yes.”
We are just a normal couple, we give space if it is needed, but we never gave up on each other. Sometimes, relationship gets boring, but we stay. We choose to stay.
It’s been years now, he’s still the nerd, the talented, the campus crush, and the only man I love. Looking back at the path we took, the challenges we’ve faced, and the memories we created, I could cry a river of joy. I was so happy to be alive. I guess I found the one I want to share my life with.

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