I don't know if this letter will ever reach you.
But I want to give it a shot. I want to forget everything. It just hurts too much. I have so many things that I want to tell you, and I don't even know where to start. Even if this letter reaches you or not, I know the answer, everything was done.
I want to be mad, because you don't know how much it hurt. How many nights I had to spend, forcing myself to sleep, crying. I know I shouldn't, but I kept thinking, "I wish you care, I wish you didn't reject me, I wish you paid attention when we were on our trip, I wish you weren't on your phone paying attention to the other girls when I was beside you... I wish you truly have tried opening up to me as a friend, instead of always making up an excuse that you cant open up anymore because you found out i have feelings, I wish you didnt just listen and argue, I wish you were just there, and I wish you truly meant it when you said you care, it gave me hope and thought maybe this was something else."
You said so many hurtful things, on how you saw me as a person, and I couldn't even defend myself. That breaks me even more.
Since we came back from our trip. I regret it so bad. like, really bad. It has been nearly six months, yet, here I am still trying my best to heal. Because everything you said hurts.
Maybe, deep inside, I really just want you to apologise and take everything back you said.
I am not a liar.
I am not putting an act.
I never blamed my friends for my own sufferings.
AND.
I AM NOT LIKE YOUR EX.
What you and your ex had been through, has nothing to do with me.
Telling me that you hate me because I remind you of her. That hurts up until now.
Is that the reason why you couldn't accept my feelings in the first place?
Is that why you were meaningly hurting me, because you wanted to take everything out on me? Things you never get to do to her, to hurt her when she had hurt you?
I do not deserve that.
In the end you told me I needed to seek professional help because there was something deeply wrong with me.
All this time you never understood how my feelings for you have truly affected me.
I CHASED YOU, because I wanted to prove my feelings, in the end all you said was, for me to stop putting an act.
I regret everything so bad.
You should have never approached me if you were just gonna do those things.
You should not have flirted with me, just for fun.
You should have sticked with your words, when you just said you want to be good friends with me.
and when you said that, you still showed flirtatious acts, sweets acts, efforts of making me get used to your presence. Then all of a sudden you disappear.
I hate you . Because you do not know how much it hurts.
You do not know how much I am trying my best not to cry nor, think of you before I go to sleep.
the fact that you were just done, and just completely dropped everything . I hate you .

I still cry every night. I just want to forget everything. I hate you. And I truly blame myself for trusting you.

I have accepted my mistakes, that i chased you, begged for you to stay in my life, and expected that there was something more, i really thought we had a connection, but it was just me. However, i can never accept that you are out there having fun, trying to live your best life, when your words have truly stabbed me for so long that I cant even give other people and things a chance. You have completely dragged me out of my comfort zone and told me why should I be scared? So i took the risk, who could have known that it was also you who will be the reason why I am so scared again.

You hurt me, but I broke my own heart for believing that we met at the right time.

People have told me, I should have loved myself, I should not have expected, I should not have looked for love. but you know what, thats what I have been doing before i met you. I was focused on myself, all of a sudden you came and it shook my peace. It was wrong for me to break down my wall for you. that is on me. I will forever regret that.



© cece