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Part 1
I always figured my life story would go in a inspiring book first, but I am always willing to share it. To make this as powerful and short as I can I'll have to try to leave some ( maybe) intense details out. Just know each detail I leave on the floor today always crawls back into my head and as silent as they will be for you, trust me my skull is bleeding because the screams each time the decide to not naw.
My mom, My protector, my healer, my only certainty at the age of 5. She failed miserably at that job. Her lack of parental love slapped in the face especially after she caught me in her bed. Naked. Scared. The heavy shame I had was all I had to wear. While daddy wore the heels and dress after the moment we shared. My stepfather had sex with me often. No molestation. As a matter of fact he only touched me with his hands to grip my rib cage and lift me up. He promised id like it one day. " It will feel good." He didn't lie I wasn't yet 6 and he made me cum. This lasted for a few more years. Finally someone loved me. An angel, I thought, snatched the beat up out of his chest. It was over. He died of a heart attack on 1995 I believe. But guess what!? I then realized I had no one. I was alone.
Years went by and I never felt alive. Pain. Drugs.sex. my mom drank rum to wash down most of her own regrets. I had a decent life scattered here and there. Good friends. Killer parties. The People id meet were always broken like me but rarely ever as happy and carefree. I think the stars n sun that I was born an Aries. That's a factor as to why I am still full of love and full of beautiful complex emotions.
I had 3 daughters by the age of 23 And They each taught me more about love and self love. True love. Devotion and much more. I was a great mom. Even tho I drank too much. Had flashbacks. And had anger killing my soul. I homeschooled the girls, I worked full time, tried attending college. I even baked and sold homemade birthday, graduation, and Wedding cakes. I wanted my family happy. I thought if I created stability and happiness In the home, I would be able to dodge my demons. NOPE! I was not happy still. I left the father of my children after 7 easy, memorable , mostly cherished years. I landed myself into the arms of the devil. To me he will always have that human form. I know now that schizophrenia, addiction, and FEAR can create the closest thing to the devil.
Not even 2 months of weird love passed and He hit me. I hit him back. I am going to tell this part of my story quickly and bluntly. I still have open wounds that just may never heal. He beat me often. The longest we lived like civil adults was never more than a 3 day hallucination. Our love was instant. It was on fire. Moments of euphoria stopped time, not just time but the earth came to a hault and everything paused for our connection to intertwine, and the energy lifted us to float . It was magical. Then not even a full day later the opposite of that whipped me like a lash. I fought back like a man. I bled like a soldier. I begged like a slave to his insanity. 3 long years ( not nearly as long as most violent relationships) I fought I bled I cried I obeyed. I wore his semen as lotion in order to leave. I gave him a 3 some believing he meant it, he would stop. I only left his apartment 1 time. I walked downtown to get gifts and candles. I gave him a beautiful dinner on the roof top. Later he stepped on my face trying to break my jaw. Once he made me a dinner and decorated hearts with lights. He said all the right things I never imagined id hear. He smiled at me. As soon as I went for my first bite. He said " this is what you could have. I would always be this way, if you weren't such a nasty whore." The absurdity of that was not what crushed me. The fact he did all of it for hours so he could literally dangle it in my face just so he could gain more power as he metaphorically stabbed me in the chest slowly and stomped my entire strength to ash. The meticulous effort to hurt me ripped apart of who I was out of me. Unfortunately moments like that became all I would know. The absolute urge to die covered me like a blanket. Yet the intense anger I had at myself for never pushing the blade harder scoffed at me loudly. I had nothing inside me anymore. I was trapped. Not allowed to leave. Never seen my kids. I had to shift my eyes just right and hide my yawn because any wrong movement was a sign I lied and I would have to stagger to fight then. I was pregnant with his child. I made many trips to the hospital while pregnant. I faked labour one night just to get out of the house. I needed sleep. He would often make me stay up for 24 to 48 hours straight. I wanted to sleep so bad and i needed to breathe. I was not in labour and I was directed to go home. I collapsed and I begged the nurse. After I told my story several woman stared with pity while the doctor allowed for me to stay and sleep. I will always be grateful.
July 27 2014 I unbelievably gave birth to my last daughter Natalie. Her sister Zoe was the only child of mine who lived with us and Zoe wanted to protect her baby sister from all the traumatic chaos she was about to be exposed to. Now I had two kids to protect and keep safe while fighting for my life. Now he named her such a beautiful name, except he said it meant Not a lie and from now on I could not cheat or lie ever. Sadly the abuse didn't stop it got worse. He cried one night he looked into my eyes. He was so scared. His eyes and voice starred with a fear I had not seen ever. " I do not think I will be satisfied. Or ok in anyway unless I KILL YOU " Right then the certainty id die at the hands of my abuser shockingly became real. I knew I had to leave. He couldn't stop now even if he wanted.
I suck at ending so forgive my "wing it" winging it conclusion. A brutal beating gave me strength. My daughters and I escaped with our hidden phones and will to live. My friend from years before magically appeared and took us in. I tried to cope with rum and promiscuity. Dhs after the fact took my kids ( that's gonna have its own story I do believe.) And then I chose to find myself and my soul with the help of education passion and drugs!
5 years later I am still more damaged and more scarred than my childhood nightmares with my dad. I am still fighting to stay clean.
None of This bullshit will permanently steal my LOVE. My smile is mine. The summer time moments, holidays, board game memories I have created will always last.
My daughter once said " I'm sorry you can't look in the past at any point and pull out a happy memory or favorite holiday. I am, though, grateful you created so many happy memories for me to look back on."
© Shellypeet05
My mom, My protector, my healer, my only certainty at the age of 5. She failed miserably at that job. Her lack of parental love slapped in the face especially after she caught me in her bed. Naked. Scared. The heavy shame I had was all I had to wear. While daddy wore the heels and dress after the moment we shared. My stepfather had sex with me often. No molestation. As a matter of fact he only touched me with his hands to grip my rib cage and lift me up. He promised id like it one day. " It will feel good." He didn't lie I wasn't yet 6 and he made me cum. This lasted for a few more years. Finally someone loved me. An angel, I thought, snatched the beat up out of his chest. It was over. He died of a heart attack on 1995 I believe. But guess what!? I then realized I had no one. I was alone.
Years went by and I never felt alive. Pain. Drugs.sex. my mom drank rum to wash down most of her own regrets. I had a decent life scattered here and there. Good friends. Killer parties. The People id meet were always broken like me but rarely ever as happy and carefree. I think the stars n sun that I was born an Aries. That's a factor as to why I am still full of love and full of beautiful complex emotions.
I had 3 daughters by the age of 23 And They each taught me more about love and self love. True love. Devotion and much more. I was a great mom. Even tho I drank too much. Had flashbacks. And had anger killing my soul. I homeschooled the girls, I worked full time, tried attending college. I even baked and sold homemade birthday, graduation, and Wedding cakes. I wanted my family happy. I thought if I created stability and happiness In the home, I would be able to dodge my demons. NOPE! I was not happy still. I left the father of my children after 7 easy, memorable , mostly cherished years. I landed myself into the arms of the devil. To me he will always have that human form. I know now that schizophrenia, addiction, and FEAR can create the closest thing to the devil.
Not even 2 months of weird love passed and He hit me. I hit him back. I am going to tell this part of my story quickly and bluntly. I still have open wounds that just may never heal. He beat me often. The longest we lived like civil adults was never more than a 3 day hallucination. Our love was instant. It was on fire. Moments of euphoria stopped time, not just time but the earth came to a hault and everything paused for our connection to intertwine, and the energy lifted us to float . It was magical. Then not even a full day later the opposite of that whipped me like a lash. I fought back like a man. I bled like a soldier. I begged like a slave to his insanity. 3 long years ( not nearly as long as most violent relationships) I fought I bled I cried I obeyed. I wore his semen as lotion in order to leave. I gave him a 3 some believing he meant it, he would stop. I only left his apartment 1 time. I walked downtown to get gifts and candles. I gave him a beautiful dinner on the roof top. Later he stepped on my face trying to break my jaw. Once he made me a dinner and decorated hearts with lights. He said all the right things I never imagined id hear. He smiled at me. As soon as I went for my first bite. He said " this is what you could have. I would always be this way, if you weren't such a nasty whore." The absurdity of that was not what crushed me. The fact he did all of it for hours so he could literally dangle it in my face just so he could gain more power as he metaphorically stabbed me in the chest slowly and stomped my entire strength to ash. The meticulous effort to hurt me ripped apart of who I was out of me. Unfortunately moments like that became all I would know. The absolute urge to die covered me like a blanket. Yet the intense anger I had at myself for never pushing the blade harder scoffed at me loudly. I had nothing inside me anymore. I was trapped. Not allowed to leave. Never seen my kids. I had to shift my eyes just right and hide my yawn because any wrong movement was a sign I lied and I would have to stagger to fight then. I was pregnant with his child. I made many trips to the hospital while pregnant. I faked labour one night just to get out of the house. I needed sleep. He would often make me stay up for 24 to 48 hours straight. I wanted to sleep so bad and i needed to breathe. I was not in labour and I was directed to go home. I collapsed and I begged the nurse. After I told my story several woman stared with pity while the doctor allowed for me to stay and sleep. I will always be grateful.
July 27 2014 I unbelievably gave birth to my last daughter Natalie. Her sister Zoe was the only child of mine who lived with us and Zoe wanted to protect her baby sister from all the traumatic chaos she was about to be exposed to. Now I had two kids to protect and keep safe while fighting for my life. Now he named her such a beautiful name, except he said it meant Not a lie and from now on I could not cheat or lie ever. Sadly the abuse didn't stop it got worse. He cried one night he looked into my eyes. He was so scared. His eyes and voice starred with a fear I had not seen ever. " I do not think I will be satisfied. Or ok in anyway unless I KILL YOU " Right then the certainty id die at the hands of my abuser shockingly became real. I knew I had to leave. He couldn't stop now even if he wanted.
I suck at ending so forgive my "wing it" winging it conclusion. A brutal beating gave me strength. My daughters and I escaped with our hidden phones and will to live. My friend from years before magically appeared and took us in. I tried to cope with rum and promiscuity. Dhs after the fact took my kids ( that's gonna have its own story I do believe.) And then I chose to find myself and my soul with the help of education passion and drugs!
5 years later I am still more damaged and more scarred than my childhood nightmares with my dad. I am still fighting to stay clean.
None of This bullshit will permanently steal my LOVE. My smile is mine. The summer time moments, holidays, board game memories I have created will always last.
My daughter once said " I'm sorry you can't look in the past at any point and pull out a happy memory or favorite holiday. I am, though, grateful you created so many happy memories for me to look back on."
© Shellypeet05
