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Dear Diary
Hi,
I am here to tell you about my feelings after 5 long years. I know we have lost touch. It has not been an easy journey. Now-a-days, I feel like a void space. I have always learnt that void is good and that void means I am at peace. However, the void within me is making me numb. I feel and yet I don't know what I feel. There are days when I don't even know whether I feel happy or depressed. This void is a feeling, which feels like an empty vase or a glass. There are other days when I feel afraid, depressed,sad and lonely. I have always felt like that. I try to be positive, I always try to change my feelings, I try to smile when I am sad. I try to think positive or meditate or be grateful for this life. Life has given me a lot. However, it has also made me feel that I am not enough. People have always made me feel inferior. Someone who doesn't deserve to live a good life. They have decided that for me and made me believe the same. I have this feeling that my life will not improve. I always try to take control of my life. I try to change the negative circumstances in my life and end my hurting myself even more. I have this fear that if I let go then I will loose the battle of life. I will be doomed my whole life or rather the rest of the days that are left. However, today I asked myself a question:
Is it too hard to just let go? will I loose everything if I stop controlling and changing and reacting and just let it be?
Will life get worse? I have never been able to do it previously. I always felt the need to do something or the other to keep myself busy. Now I think, can't I just do nothing? can't I just stop putting so much effort to everything and just accept? I know there are millions of people out there who have said the same thing. There is a quote about it "Let go and Let God!". I had never thought it like this though. I mean do I always need to be strong? Do I always need to get up everytime I fall? Do I always need to hide my tears thinking that people will think that I am not strong? I mean people who takes time to get up after they fall are also strong. They have the ability to show their true selves. They can show their vulnerability and I feel that is bold. Knowing the other person will perceive you as weak and yet showing your feelings means that you are not afraid or ashamed to let the other person know that you too are a human being. In a world where everyone is willing to become the 'Girlboss' or the Hero of their own lives, I am acting like a wallflower. Present yet distant, not knowing my path and not always afraid to show the real me. What if I stop being afraid? What if I stop being jealous about the girl next door who has got the attention of more boys than I have ever got or the cousin who earns in lakhs?. Will life betray me? will it not support me ? I know these questions will keep me up late at night and I will probably forget about them tomorrow. But what if I just let go? Not predicting the future and not going to the past? It is impossible, is'nt it? Past is always there. Every single moment reminding me how I was told that I am short or how I always felt not good enough? what if I accept these feelings? what if I tell them that it is okay to feel that you are not enough? or what if I cry it out and let my feelings come out. These are the feelings that I have kept hidden in me. These are the feelings that bubble up when I am alone or when I try to go back to the person that I was and the way I have pushed my hatred, anger, jealousy deep down within myself. Do you think that I will survive if I let those feelings get out of me? Do you think I have the courage to face them or to face the emotional trauma that I will be going through in the process?
Truth be told, I don't know but I am willing to give it a try. There's nothing that I can loose and there's everything that I can loose. I hope I end up on the brighter side of the lane. Till then, you take care of yourself. I will try to come again someday to share the next chapter.
Thank you
Anisha
© anisha1234
I am here to tell you about my feelings after 5 long years. I know we have lost touch. It has not been an easy journey. Now-a-days, I feel like a void space. I have always learnt that void is good and that void means I am at peace. However, the void within me is making me numb. I feel and yet I don't know what I feel. There are days when I don't even know whether I feel happy or depressed. This void is a feeling, which feels like an empty vase or a glass. There are other days when I feel afraid, depressed,sad and lonely. I have always felt like that. I try to be positive, I always try to change my feelings, I try to smile when I am sad. I try to think positive or meditate or be grateful for this life. Life has given me a lot. However, it has also made me feel that I am not enough. People have always made me feel inferior. Someone who doesn't deserve to live a good life. They have decided that for me and made me believe the same. I have this feeling that my life will not improve. I always try to take control of my life. I try to change the negative circumstances in my life and end my hurting myself even more. I have this fear that if I let go then I will loose the battle of life. I will be doomed my whole life or rather the rest of the days that are left. However, today I asked myself a question:
Is it too hard to just let go? will I loose everything if I stop controlling and changing and reacting and just let it be?
Will life get worse? I have never been able to do it previously. I always felt the need to do something or the other to keep myself busy. Now I think, can't I just do nothing? can't I just stop putting so much effort to everything and just accept? I know there are millions of people out there who have said the same thing. There is a quote about it "Let go and Let God!". I had never thought it like this though. I mean do I always need to be strong? Do I always need to get up everytime I fall? Do I always need to hide my tears thinking that people will think that I am not strong? I mean people who takes time to get up after they fall are also strong. They have the ability to show their true selves. They can show their vulnerability and I feel that is bold. Knowing the other person will perceive you as weak and yet showing your feelings means that you are not afraid or ashamed to let the other person know that you too are a human being. In a world where everyone is willing to become the 'Girlboss' or the Hero of their own lives, I am acting like a wallflower. Present yet distant, not knowing my path and not always afraid to show the real me. What if I stop being afraid? What if I stop being jealous about the girl next door who has got the attention of more boys than I have ever got or the cousin who earns in lakhs?. Will life betray me? will it not support me ? I know these questions will keep me up late at night and I will probably forget about them tomorrow. But what if I just let go? Not predicting the future and not going to the past? It is impossible, is'nt it? Past is always there. Every single moment reminding me how I was told that I am short or how I always felt not good enough? what if I accept these feelings? what if I tell them that it is okay to feel that you are not enough? or what if I cry it out and let my feelings come out. These are the feelings that I have kept hidden in me. These are the feelings that bubble up when I am alone or when I try to go back to the person that I was and the way I have pushed my hatred, anger, jealousy deep down within myself. Do you think that I will survive if I let those feelings get out of me? Do you think I have the courage to face them or to face the emotional trauma that I will be going through in the process?
Truth be told, I don't know but I am willing to give it a try. There's nothing that I can loose and there's everything that I can loose. I hope I end up on the brighter side of the lane. Till then, you take care of yourself. I will try to come again someday to share the next chapter.
Thank you
Anisha
© anisha1234
