As i join my friends in laughter, i cant help but notice subtle similarities in my surroundings, From the way certain items in the room are meticulously arranged, to subtle smells of cleaners that only you would use ....your absence presents itself ... another cold hearted reminder that... im not happy.... and cannot be... Mentally i begin to march into a tailspin. its as if my being is equipped with a failsafe procedure to prevent joy from ever being possible. My laughing is apbruplty stopped short and my head feels heavy. A lightly spread mix of panic, and regret blankets my face, and again i wretch and realize ...... that there are no more options...... those have been spent......this CANNOT be fixed. ...It is irrepairable.... I am irrepairable.....My face swells with anguish, and my head grows heavier as i begin to submit ... suddenly my exterior drops and i begin to tear up as my concience recoils at the thought of you fading from memory all the while fantically trying to keep whats left of you, its like im leaving without you..... Us..... My friends then ask if im ok.... I wipe my face, and while i equip myself with the same superficial mask ive worn on soo many occasion i woefully reply with a carefully carved out smile that "Im fine" . I do my best to avoid the being within that will inevitably hang on to you..... That being....Is the man i used to be. The same hypocrital monster who casted you away ironically is the same sadistic monster who wll torment me eternally with your absence. My tailspin then turns into a nose dive sinking back into abyss hurdling back on this devilish path to crashing and burning.
I'm so sorry

- Nathan Green
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