It would have been better if I was dead,
So I don’t have to feel no further pain from my past, and the psychological affects of it. Which was no fault of my own. The people I looked up to, they should have protected me but instead they abused me and neglected me. I was blamed for the things I did not do. And now I’m grown up and suicidal. So many traumas to overcome but the only way I can heal is if I let go of my abusers so I can be at peace with myself. I was manipulated like a puppet by my own mother to serve her as a maid and then abused straight after. I needed to hear kind words and positive words but instead I would get emotional abuse and torture. My mom would tell me to go kill myself and that I would be better of dead, I have tried this method many times. The father I wanted to look up to, also abused me. So both parents have failed to look after me. I wonder why I was bought up in such a chaotic household when all I needed was safety. I know that the past cannot be erased or undone but the wounds are not healing so what choice do I have left. I never got to have a proper family and even my cousins, we were separated from an early age. Most of them have moved on now. I’m suffering from a psychological illness I wish to take my life but God won’t let me. This world is full of evil people who only seek to destroy and hurt without fixing themselves so they decide to abuse their children. I feel as if I’m always being mocked and laughed at just for being pure and genuine and just for loving myself because love is a healing vibration and being at peace with yourself is the most important. I couldnt trust my caregivers because they can barely help themselves so they run to me when they need help. But I have set boundaries in order to protect myself from their torture. Is that what you get for being a good person because in this world, people do not appreciate you, they just use you for their own benefit and then they abuse you and take advantage of you. I can only forgive myself. But I know, that is journey towards healing is going to take a long time, and in reality we do not have much time. I can’t keep running away from my pain because it’s not doing anything. If I heal, I’ve got to heal from this very moment. It’s true that good ones suffer because now I know why God takes away good souls and leaves the horrid souls wondering. Maybe this life is test and every test may be a blessing in disguise. They say God tests those whom he loves. Why does it seem like my tests are harder. Is this what you get for being a good person because I don’t think I can do it anymore.

© WarriorWithin