"Some things in life aren't meant to be together". cotton and fire , petroleum and fire , the passion with which it burns is extreme but in the end one consumes the other and the one consumed will be in a position to sacrifice its life also.

"Be submissive " hearing this feels like a order. isn't it? But that's what the society wanted from her,"to be submissive ".Even before exploring what life is , she was driven to a different side of life. It was her final year in college, while everyone else was discussing what they are going to pursue after the degree,Ratna was indulged in the thoughts of how to run a family.

she was an energetic, enthusiastic and lively young girl, but a simple decision without her concern made her sit ideal for a long, very long time. Vasanth was a guy from a well off family, his parents asked for Ratna's hands even before she completing her degree.

"Haaa, the first proposal. don't you dare reject the first proposal, because you won't be able to find a better match if you reject this" all the superstitions of the neighbouring aunties started playing games in Ratna's life.

Ratna's parents also accepted the proposal without giving a second thought nor asking for her opinion about it. kudos to the typical arranged marriage system. With lifeless emotions, shattered dreams and broken heart ,she accept for the marriage. well No, she was forced to accept the marriage.

Well, you really don't know how many experts are there in the society until you prepare for a marriage. Every single aunt and uncle in our circle will share their expert opinions about the bride and the groom but no one will speak about asking the bride and the groom for their concerns regarding their marriage.

Isn't it their marriage?

The wedding was no less then a royal wedding, spending lakhs and lakhs for that one day.
The question is whether all these brought her all the happiness in a marital life?

Even she questioned it with wet eyes, even harder and deep hurt in heart while Journalising about her day.

she remembered the day when she walked into the house where she felt like an alien. She didn't have a room on her own, she had to share that room with a totally unknown person, well a typical stranger in her case. Her parents weren't there, her pet wasn't there, not even a single thing that she was familiar with and enjoyed was there.

This was a all new place ,with all new people. she stayed in her room all day without knowing what to do. All that she knew now was to cook good food ,that was what she was taught also. To prepare good food and take a nice position in her husband's heart.But is it the same thing for guys also, are they given any lessons to have a good place in their wife's heart. I wonder.

The first touch that came from vasanth made her nervous, conscious and a bit uncomfortable too. But "be submissive " was what running in her mind all the time ,when he proceeded on. Denying anything that a man wants was a big No No in her upbringing and neighbouring. when a girl denies something she will be considered unfit for a marital life and will be give a tag " arrogant ".

But isn't it her wish ? Isn't that her body? she owns it and she has every right to decide what she wants and what not. with that " be submissive " still running in her mind , she realized that she wasn't comfortable enough to proceed further with her man physically. she drifted away and shook her head signaling a No.

Great images get broken within no seconds, all the expert opinion about her man fell in well within no time. know why? That's what she was journalising with teary eyes.

Cupping your girls face with atmost passion and love will make her blush, will make her feel your love for you. But wait, is it always? Ratna was saying no, cupping her face hard, rubbing her cheeks harder , lust filled in his eyes , fear gushing through her eyes, forcing was the range of love that she experienced.

when she thought she would be carenessed like flower, she ended up in the reality of being crushed like the same flower. she accused all the poets for using petals as metaphors to lips, when hers got crushed by him and blood oozing out from them. "Growing long hair is beautiful until you marry, but it is the first weapon that your man will use against you, holding them hard, pulling them and much more. No long hairs are beautiful if your life isn't." she wrote.

Was that all she suffered? Ho ,no . bruise buried under her smile. 6 yards of silky gift by her mother covering her cuts. No one to hear her nor to walk her out from hell she was facing.

Realisations will hit you hard, when reality hits you harder. "Be submissive " is not a mantra to be followed, it's a state of pushing ourselves into helplessness. No expert who gave expert opinion about her man has ever lead their life together with him like her. No uncle / aunty who said " He will the best match for you" , has slept with him or her . Nobody has taken his beatings, nobody has taken his abuse and nothing. That's when she understood nobody who shares their opinion is going to lead the life with the concerned person but she. she is the one to decide whether the person is fine or not , for her. she needs to decide whether she wants to share her body with him or not. No xyz person can do it on her behalf.

what next ? was her question

communication! she thought of giving it a shot. The basic step which they skipped came into picture. she thought about explaining everything to her man.
As he stepped inside their room, Ratna swept off her tears, closed her journal, turned her head facing the painting on the wall. "we need to talk" her bold voice came out. she paused there for few minutes expecting a reply from him.

surprised by the loud voice , he stood there still with his head titled facing her. wondering if the sound was really from her. Now she turned around fully, facing him. " we need to talk" ,she repeated.

He neither shook his head nor answered, rather stood still looking at her face. With no prior preparations she just started, expecting that her feelings will guide her to Express what she wants to explain to him and that workout.

"This is not ,how you treat me. I was married to you to share you life and not for being a slave to your sexual needs and pleasure.." she delivered her first few words stronger and bolder. He didn't expect this, listening to his he raised his eyebrows. He then began talking " how should.." .

"I am not done yet". she interrupted him. Yet another surprise to him. He stood back and started listening to her while still his mind was filled with all wild thoughts.

"This my my body and I own it, to touch me ,you need to ask for my concern. Just because you tied the nuptial thread doesn't mean that you own me and take me for granted." she spoke this looking at him through the mirror.

once again he tired to proceed. " Have some patience to listen to others when they are talking " she stopped him abruptly.

Again he took a step back and continued listening to her.
"Be a man , behave like a man. You cant take anything for granted, especially not my body. Earn it. And remember, you might feel the pleasure now, but in the course of time this will feel like yet another household chore for me. Having sex will not plant love in my heart, while sex without my concern will definitely give me the reason to develop hatred on you. The base for the relationship can't be built on sexual pleasure. " she said and left the place.

He was still there , not knowing how to react. So, went to take a shower. Great realization sometimes comes when you are completely alone and relaxed. The relaxing shower was also giving that realization to vasanth.

For the first time , he thought of saying a sorry. He couldn't face her, felt guilty for his previous behaviour. So he wrote a note and left it on the mirror and it read
" you are beautiful, hope you can tame me!" Though it was not a sorry, it still conveyed what his heart felt like . she picked up the note and kept it inside her journal.

The evening when he came back home , something unusual was happening in their house. Ratna was sitting among a group of guests who were questioning her. " Are you guys happy?" one of the guest asked. seems like a very cute question to a newlywed couple, but the intention behind this question is not very cute. They were symbolically asking whether they are in the process of making a baby.

This is the vanishing point, where expert opinions gradually fade away and concerns start coming up. How could she answer them. will they help her out if she says how he treated her in bed ? NO, definitely.
Are they gonna teach him how to have sex ? A big NO.
Talking about sex is not a cool thing, its a taboo but having sex is not or asking other young people about their sexual life is not. How logical is that?

she can face it all alone but again the great marital lesson says " be submissive " .This not only applies for her husband but also for the elders. As per the great lesson, she can't voice out anything. so, she was patiently holding herself together. Deep down she was expecting vasanth to call her ,so that she can run away from this group.

He stood there looking at her helplessness. He was trying to behave normal in that situation but he wasn't able to hold it. He approached them casually and asked them what they were discussing with his wife.

oh my god ! they have to hide it from the guy. Every one all of a sudden hushed and managed saying " nothing, " with a wide smile.

"nothing uh" he repeated their answer.
"well everyone here needs to know something, if you are expecting any so called happy news from us , you should actually be telling me that, coz biologically I'm the one responsible to take the 1st step .isn't it? " he asked

people there stood in a shock, couldn't find any answer to defendant themselves. vasanth just stood up " My journal is missing, can you help me out " he directed his question to his wife. She understood what that was.. she nodded her head and walked out of the group.

They both went to their room." thanks " she said. he just nodded. "umm, I'm sorry for my behavior " he apologized atlast.
" can you spend some time, I wanted to discuss something with you" he continued

she nodded a yes. "I didn't know how to Express my feelings for you, I just randomly thought you'd enjoy that. well, I'm sorry to say this but your moans gave me a different level of pleasure, that I didn't even bother about what it'll be like for you. when you told " behave like a man" it just disturbed me . I'm sorry ,I wont lay my hands on you unless you feel comfortable around me." he promised her.

The journal opened a fresh page from here.

The following days ,were totally different from what she went through all these days. She was now experiencing totally the other extreme. one thing the she understood from this was , her man was a extremist. It is either all or nothing for him in every situation. He on the other side totally stayed away from her giving her space to settle down comfortably in his place. Every now and then he just made sure ,she is not facing any trouble from the people around her.

on a fine day ,when he was just scrolling his phone screen. she sat beside him with her journal and pen in her hand. "kiran, it was " she started . He got distracted and looked at her. " what?" he asked . " it was a guy named kiran. when we were all kids , he was the one who use to take care of all of us. Every parent in the colony would leave us under his supervision and would go and carry on with their work. He use to be all sweet and warm to us. But I never knew,what was it with me. mornings were safe but not the dusk. When every child is playing happily with each other. He used to carry me away from the group. Take me to the terrace" she paused.

vasanth was all ears , tears filled her eyes. Her fingers held her pen tightly. " to the corner and force his hands inside my pants. Nobody knows how helpless I was there. No sound from my side will draw peoples attention. I wasn't in a position to defend myself tho. I was a little girl, just in my 2nd class, I didn't even know what he was trying to do with me. but all that I knew is ,I was not comfortable and he was doing something wrong. " she paused ,a drop of tear came rolling down her cheeks.

"are you..?" even before he could complete that she interpreted with a " yeah, I'm okay" . " The thing is, back then my parents weren't on good terms , even a single mishap will piss them off and they would beat us like anything. This was something that I feared a lot. I wanted to share this with someone ,but I was afraid what if my parents beat me ?. my fear was shutting me from sharing things to anyone, and day by day his behavior worsened, he kept this as a routine. Even when I dont go to play, he would take me out of my house and would force him on me. I was very small,like a thumbelina and he was gigantic. He would held me tightly and slide his hands down my genital... he would lock me by holding my neck and restrict me from making sound. He use to push me to the corner , where there is not light.. and ..and force him on me." her voice broke.

"well, no stranger can harm you..but the once that stay close to us harm us , isn't that strange?". she wiped off her last tear.
" I'm sorry I didn't know " vasanth said.
" I wasn't your fault, moreover its mine, I should have told you everything before marriage, but unfortunately I didn't. it's infact strange for me also.. coz you are the 1st one to know about this.." she said and got out of the bedroom.

The guilty conscious spiced up a little more after hearing this. He felt ashamed of himself for behaving like that to a girl who has a traumatic past experience.

He didn't pity on her, rather he was surprised. surprised how she managed to smile and come over from that. He wondered ,how she could have a bright smile and glittering eyes even after facing so many things. He wanted to know more about her, he started feeling curious all of a sudden. She is a mysterious energy that illuminates everything even when its sacrificing everything.

wait, Isn't that a good way to know her and understand her. Not just to her ,It applies to everyone. Not everyone was born like that, every single move or the attitude of a person is associated with their past. we can never undo those things but we can comfort them by giving them a different outlook. This might sound great but it needs great patience and involves more than average level of effort. we need to understand one thing, those sweet nothings that one tell their loved ones are not going to change anything. The efforts, quality time and most importantly the love will gradually take everything to its place, and will definitely change the way the victim sees it later in their life.

victimization and lack of communication with your loved ones is a different level of heart break. Just a pinch of love and attention is not a huge thing, not a luxury in a relationship but an essential like salt to the food. practice that and preach that, we need warm hearts rather than warm hugs.

Is that all? he wanted to know more now. she wondered after hearing this.
" in what sense should I take this?" she questioned. " shooo , I'm sorry, I wanted to know more., like what happened next,how did you manage to get away from that? " he asked her

"umm..Deepu anna and.. within few months we moved to a new house, far from there... that's when it ended" she answered

life is rolling ,it takes you through hard paths and test you, sometimes it lets you slide and enjoy the experience but nature does that without any second thoughts ,wondering what?!! Nothing ,it's just helping you. Random people walk into your life and random happenings take place unexpectedly and help you come out of a situation. They walk in for once, save you and walk away. one such person was Deepu anna, Ratna runs to Deepu anna when kiran tries to take her away. Deepu was almost of kiran's age, he was very understanding, loving and caring. Noticing the change in Ratna's behavior when kiran approaches made him realize something was wrong. sometimes silence and silent treatments can also save someone. Deepu made sure Ratna was in his house everytime when her parents got into a fight or when they go to their work. For the next few months untill shifting to their new house Deepu was her guardian angel.

" I understand that, it had left you with deep hurt ,I cant promise you that, I can cure everything but I can atleast try to change and I'm sorry I laid my hands on you without knowing anything " he said

whether the person has a past or not, it doesn't matter, Laying hands on someone without their consent or forcing them to have sex is definitely not a good thing. Respect their decision. Having sex is not a big thing, but making love is.
"Don't take me wrong but I'm just curious. You didn't trust anyone after that?" he questioned.

"I did" she replied
He raised his eyebrows out of surprise. " you did? then what happened? with curiosity to the next level he asked her.

May be kiran's experience was not good enough,coz life brought in Dass. Her 1st love." Dass!, He was the guy ,my friends friend, who turned out to be my boyfriend in the later years. we were in a long distance relationship. One good thing that happened in the relationship, thats what I felt after our breakup." she gave a jist.

"why so?" he asked her again

The Trusted ones break you emotionally but your loved ones can shatter you emotionally and mentally. people say love hurts but it's not like that, people in love actually hurt in the name of love. Those things that they loved in the start of a relationship will not be interesting after few months. why is it like that?
Excitment and blind love actually keeps you holding to the most toxic relationships. You will be ready to get hurt once when you go deep into the feel of love. You also forget to take care of yourself when such a thing happens.

Make it a point, excitment is fine but being peaceful is very important. you can feel excited when you guys do something together but feeling peaceful in their company matters.

"I saw that relationship as a serious one but he didn't. I was shattered when he got exposed by his friends and his own mother. I was trying to explain that, the relationship was not going well, he without giving any second thought started speaking stuffs that got my nerves. I was super impulsive, thankfully I was... and called his mother just to get to know that he got engaged." she said

"what ?" he was super surprised now.

"That's how I did react. But something more was waiting for me .An audio message from my ex boyfriend and I heard him saying " bro , you really need to try her once, she is damn good in bed. I had great time, "one of his friends shared it to me " she told this looking deep into the journal while scribbling on it.
" It's was done and dusted right there. I can't handle anymore. That's when I thought I wanted to concentrate more on my passion career and build a great life. That was also the time when you came into my life." she replied
"Even before I could process my thoughts everything happened. Including you getting physically close to me." she added.

Broken is never a problem but getting hurt deeper and deeper without any scope for healing is problem. Give some time to heal. you may have the scars but still you would have been healed and ready to take up things with a different level of energy. she shattered everytime when trust was involved. There was no time to heal but she still managed to stand up just like the Phoenix.
Back to life from the ashes, with no guardian angles.

© preethi. T
#LifeChangingContest #experience #lifestory #Love&love #guardian_angel #philosophy #writcostory #newbeginning #inspirational #moti