Before this pandemic, like everybody else, I had a life. A life that no matter how plain, random, simple, I still, will consider and call it: life.

It was a routine, basically. I could probably tell you detail by detail but I’m afraid I might bore you with the details (no, no pun intended, just wanted to mention “detail” more than once, now make it thrice) so I decided no, you may thank me later. (Or not because why would you.)

It was a routine, yes as I’ve already mentioned but if you’re not paying attention it’s alright. I, too am not and my brain is now telling me “say what”.

Ignore this and now ignore me (I’m used to it by the way) I just want to tell you stay, don’t leave me ( but you probably will because that’s how the world works, everyone leaves) and let’s get this through together, that is if I’m not boring you as I am pretty well aware I am. Boring. (Now I’ve mentioned “boring” twice, now make it thrice) *Yawn*

I am stalling, I just figured it now. I don’t even want to write this, or let you stranger, read this but here I am typing this or else I’ll go insane (if I am not yet insane, no wait I am sane, probably the sanest person you will ever meet, but of course you won’t so there’s no sense proving it.)

But I am not, crazy.Really.

I had a life, a routine I despised for years now. But I was sticking to it, you want to know why?

Because I am afraid.

I am in this loop. Of doing things over and over again and I didn’t do anything to get out of it. You want to know why?

Because I am a coward.

I fear change because I am a coward. If things will go out of order, then I’ll be forced to get out of my comfort zone, and I don’t like that. Hence, the routine that I hate but secretly look forward to everyday.

Talk about love and hate relationship.

Until one day realization dawn on me, it was consuming me, thus, taking my life force away.
So little by little, I was planning, thinking of things on how to get out of it, carefully calculating what my next move would be- I can’tjust get out because I want to, I have to consider things and what the outcome would be. Because this isn’t just my life alone, I have to think about the people around me.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would be if I am selfish, that I only think about me, myself and I. That I do what I want without thinking about anybody else.
Of how would it feel freeing the weight upon my shoulder because I am damn tired of carrying it all. But I can’t. I just can’t.

Now, thinking about it, does seem I am indeed, selfish right? Now add it upon my list.

I am selfish.

Funny how I could go on and on what I hate about me but can’t think of a single word to praise myself.

Ever so slowly, I am making a progress, of building myself up, mustering the courage to do so, move forward. Then one day I woke up and wished I stayed asleep.

Because if this isn’t the end of the world then tell me what it is.Or maybe it was not yet, we’re just approaching to that. The doomsday.

Somehow, it doesn’t feel so bad anymore, the end.

I had a life, the routine, me slowly making progress then this happened. Now I was back with the routine (at least a different kind) and again, I find myself in a loop (again, at least a different kind)

I wonder if I should be glad.




© euphemia
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