I let the moment slide in my hand. I hadn’t had the chance to say goodbye. It was not the best time to even smile. I regret. I will regret it for the rest of my life. It was the biggest mistake I made. It was the worst. Until now, it’s the thing I just couldn’t take.
Living is my punishment. Staying alive is my sentence. I am the prison and the prisoner. My memories are the evidence always ready to convict me again and again. Life is death itself.
I walk on a busy street not minding all the people who doesn’t also mind about me. Who they are, I do not know. What they do in life, I do not know. Where they are going, I do not know. Who among them are like me? Who among them received the same sentence as I? Who among them live in a lie?
It wasn’t my lie. It was a pure punishment. Maybe, it’s not a punishment. Maybe, I am just unlucky.
Then, I met you. You made me see the world differently again. You made me want to live. You made me want to receive. For a long time, I refuse to receive neither comfort nor love. I don’t deserve any. It was my punishment. But then, you came. You made me want to receive it again, without begging, without malice, without prejudice, and without hesitation. For the first time, I wanted to live. I want to live for someone again. I want to be with you always. Just a simple thought of you make me smile. You made me smile again. It was hard but you made me want to try. Little by little, without pretensions and hesitations, I began to change. You are one of the main reasons why. I then dream again. You were always there. I was healed and keep on healing every day because of you. Life became more exciting and fun. You became the key to my freedom from my own prison cell. You introduced the world to me as how you view it.
But, the world is cursed. The once upon a time blessing became a nightmare to all. I didn’t expect that. I hadn’t known that. I wasn’t prepared for that. Yet, it is still not the worst nightmare the world would ever know. I am not prepared enough for this drastic change; pandemic, economic and political crisis, calamities, crimes, social injustices, and all. The world is nearing to its end. The world is in the verge of falling. But, I have you. You are my world. You are the only reason I live. You are the reason why I am assured that my world will not fall.
However, just like how others met their unexpected end, I want to prepare for my unexpected death. What would be the last thing I see? What would be the last moment I’ll be? The ordinary things I once enjoyed, it will then be a memory that I don’t want to avoid. Even if it’s annoying, wholesome, or fun memory, I want to remember them all. In my last moment, I want to remember you. If ever I get the chance to say goodbye, let me say it with my last smile. It will be a smile with many meanings. It will be a smile of gratitude for I am more than thankful for the time we spent together. It will be a smile of happiness for in my last moment it is you that I will let my head rest. It will be a smile of salute to you for letting me see and experience the world’s beauty and wonders. It will be a smile of contentment, for I am more contented living this life. It will be a smile as my last song dedicated to you. But in that moment, it will not be a song of agony but of praise and happiness as a token of my appreciation for changing this stone heart into a heart full of hopes and aspirations. I will smile on those last moments, not begging for air to live, because I live enough without regrets and resentments. I will smile to you. In that last moment, I want to be with you. I know you will smile back because the life that we had and the time that we spent are more than enough for us to smile the sweetest and most profound smile the world has ever seen.

© Joydlynn Rivero