I have mental issues, if it wasn't apparent. I like calling them issues because problems sound like you gotta fix them, and issues sound like you got a subscription. It's like going to the pharmacy and getting your prescription, and your subscription. They hand you your giant bag of goodies.

First I'd pull out is autism. Best excuse, or at least my favorite excuse, I use it for anything, almost like a weapon. People will be like, "why no eye contact?" "Why you like numbers so much?" " Why you talking to self?" And I would answer, "Because I'm autistic."

Second thing I would pull out is my enormous God complex. I am everyone, or at least I belive I am, and I am everything. When I talk, I use everyone as a note pad, I don't actually care if you're listening, or what you have to say, I just was to hear myself say fun, cool, and intelligent things. So really, I'm not talking to you, I'm just talking to me. "I ain't f*ckin you, I'm just f#*kin another me!"

Third on the list of issues would be, autoeurotica. Which is when one is sexually attracted to themself. Except I have zero sex drive, so I'm not really sexually attracted to myself, but I definitely love how I look and can look at myself in pictures and the mirror for a long period of time. My girlfriend can change that zero into a 1% sexdrive, and all she has to do is touch me. "My girlfriend says that I'm gay and she isn't because I identify as a woman and she still sucks my d*ck!" I'm actually getting it cut off, because I don't want it....