I got up in the morning and was feeling numb...iam in 8th standard and goes in a school where I only have one friend, hardly...As for today, I don't know...iam just not feeling to go..but I have to, I know. somehow, I managed to get up and went towards washroom.. after iam done, I went to change my uniform... iam a very quite child in nature..I don't talk or complain to anybody..I only play with my younger sister and I don't even participate in any of my school programs or even P.T periods...I don't know why I am like this. even my parents say this but I don't know myself..after I changed my uniform, my mother combed my hairs and I ate my breakfast. I was doing everything in hurry. iam always late for school.. I took my bag then( which I had hidden behind almirah) and tied my shoes. I bid goodbye to my mom and went towards school..

after I reached my school, thankfully, I came on time, I went towards my desk nd sat down and sighed...ughhh!! I don't like sitting at this desk in between two toppers who doesn't respect my existence. iam sitting in the first bench but have to pay for that(sitting in between...). when I kept my bag in place, the bell rang, indicating that we have to go to assembly...but I didn't want to go. so I waited until everyone went down. some even called for me but I just nodded, some even noticed that I didn't have the intention to move so they threatened if I don't come down, they will complaint to sir..but I assured her Iam coming. after they all went down, I sighed in relief.

I then took out the so-called diary( which I made myself)and started writing whatever I used to feel about my teachers and parents and friends...and most of the matter was negetive. I even used abusive and vulger words but that's how I used to feel and besides I didn't even knew the meaning of the words, so you can't blame me or judge me..

The bell again rang, indicating assembly was over and I hurriedly kept the diary in my desk as I saw my classmates entering the class. I tried to behave normal. the girl who threatened me saw me and just shook her head in disappointment.. I mouthed sorry and she just nodded lightly... actually, it was not just today.i used to daily skip the assembly and write the diary. even in recess and lunch (as nobody bothered with my"whatever"activity.). the teacher came in and we all stood up to wish her. the first period was English and I think she was a sweet lady but a little too much.

at the end of the class, pt sir came and called for the students who didn't attended assembly...I was the only one in the class, so just imagine my embarssment.. he called me out nd I followed.. thankfully, I was not alone in this whole building who didn't attended assembly. he asked us to follow him to terrace and we followed.after when we reached there, I saw principal sir too. so now I was HELL scared. he asked us the reason for not attending the assembly..all were quite, not me alone atleast..so he gave us the punishment to run some laps of the whole terrace and then go to class..

after I did and went to class, it was already maths period..shit!! I again forgotten to do my maths homework..I didn't actually forgotten,but I didn't understood the sums..but teacher made it clear that if anyone has any difficulty in understanding the sum, we can ask...but me..I was scared and now I have to pay...I entered the class taking permission. she asked where I was nd I answered honestly....after all that I went to sit in my place(disgusting) nd opened my maths notes in a hope that she don't ask for it..

but that wasn't the case..she asked class monitor to collect the notes, while she was doing something in her book..i was so scared...the one's who didn't do stood up, including me with most of the boys and feeling embarrassed.. teacher eyed everyone and asked one by one the reason...those whose reasons were lame, she slapped them..I was scared...nd now iam the final one..she came to me and asked..my heart beats were slow( instead of fast, strange I know) nd I told her what was there actually...and guess what? I received a tight slap on my cheeks for being honest nd she shouted at everyone and said to standup the whole freaking period and complete the homework...I again sighed.

it was break and I was silently, very silently crying..I don't know but I don't feel anything...I was completing my homework, when my one (so-called, fucking) friend came and told she is going to washroom and if I want to come or not..I just shook my head and she went with others...I felt more embarrassed now...

just in a blink of my eye, lunch came..I ate my lunch with two other students and my dear bench mates went to sit with theirs...well most of the time I alone only eat, but this time two students were there, even then they were just talking to themselves more..I just listened..

after I ate my lunch, (there now where it was all started), I came back to my place and started writing my dear diary...well, nobody ever cared for me for what iam doing or how iam but today, when I was writing, two students came and sat beside me.i quickly hid my diary and asked them what's the matter. they just said that their friend one book is lost and they are searching for that everywhere...I don't know why but I allowed them to search in hope that they don't ask questions about the diary..
when they were searching,as expected, they took the diary out and asked me about it in polite way..I told them the truth(kill me, really) and allowed them to read..

while reading, they were just laughing hard..I asked them the reason but they didn't told..after some more time, they said that they want to show it to someone and I allowed them to..after they went and showed, I saw the reaction of other girls..one of them, came to me bringing my diary back and said me to not write those things and throw it somewhere..I was confused. but I took it back anyways...

that was the time, when my (so-called stupid, fucking) best friend had fought with me and I was very much disappointed with her..I even wrote very bad things about her, and I kept it back as it was now computer period..

this was the last period now and it was free..I was (being so naive and stupid) showing the diary to my other so-called friends and they were reading...then they told the same to throw it and some other things like iam wrong and I should not do like that or many things which I didn't understand...but I took their word (in a wrong way)..after school, when everyone was going home, I went towards the room near the washroom ( which was always empty) and I thrown that in between some benches..I don't know why...

I clearly remember it was that days of December,when I got my first period and was super confused and scared..maybe that's why it was happened...

the next day, it was super chaos for me...I don't know how( even till now) but somebody got my diary and gave it to teachers..they read it and obviously gave me their typical consolation....not a single teacher spared me except one physics sir and that's all..

I had told them everything about my feelings...well not everything,but atleast I tried. they listened and consoled me..I told them about my family problems and all and how they tease me for my colour and how iam always confused and how my so-called best friend left me...they gave a long lecture to me that day that it was all my fault and imaginations...I should keep my feelings to myself and not blame to anyone...I tried to explain my part but they just got angry..so I just did what they asked me to..I kept quiet...there was no one then who could understand me other than a girl next to my house (who was a bad influence for me, but atleast listened to me)...but from her too, my elder sister made restrictions like I cannot go to their house..so I just started writing letters to her until one day, even they left their house and I got lonely again...maybe I was always lonely...

the people I thought are my friends, hurted me most and I was so desperate for them that I made such mistakes and I was actually punished..I don't even know why? but it was all like that as always..and now I hate myself more than anyone or anything...




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