2 views
lust or love
They say love hurts but is it really love?love is suppose to bring joy,to bring happiness,to bring peace,but why does it end in tears?As a teenager,I made a lot of mistakes,,had love or lust to the wrong people and did other crazy stuff.But this is one.
Joseph,Joseph the man I thought I thought would be with,who would marry me,who was different from all of them.Yes he was married but I didn't mind,I could be his second wife I mean that's what most teens do today.i mean love works in different ways,,,or is it lust?
I met him at the bank,a charming,humble and sharp man,"he has all qualities I want",I thought to myself,"but can that kind of man like me?"After that encounter,our conversations began,all about love,I was Soo happy and felt Soo lucky I wanted him all to myself.
After about a month,his wife texted me"thanks for ruining my marriage with Joseph Onditi,may the tears of a woman follow you".This message really shook me.I was scared,am I cursed?I asked myself.I quickly texted Joseph and told him about the message I received.He encouraged me and told me not to be afraid,because he wants to marry me too.Stupid enough I followed,,I mean the heart loves blindly.The rest of the months were Soo adventurous,visited places I never thought I would visit,ate at expensive restaurants and for the first time even drank alcohol.Whenever his wife texted me,I would reply rudely and was looking forward to them separating,I didn't care about the child involved which they had together.All I wanted was for her to leave and I did everything to spite her.I remember once she told me,"what Joseph has for you is lust not love",who cares,I loved him.
After about five months things began to change.This was after Joseph's sister passed away.Because he had to take leave from work it meant that he would be home with the wife full time for the whole burial week.He started creating some rules in calls,and meeting."You have to understand",a common word I started being told."A good second wife should be polite and should understand we can meet even if it's once in a month."What kind of relationship did I get myself in? Whenever I would want to meet him he was busy.He later told me that his wife had quit her job and so was going to be around throughout so meeting could only be possible if he was free or could get time.Time which previously was created was this time looked for.I felt Soo alone.I would travel to go and wait for him near his work place and the moment I texted to notify him of my presence,he would immediately come up with an excuse on top of being busy.
The worst happened in November when I found out I was expectant and still in a secret relationship.This was the time when I got to fully know the type of man I was dating."I am pregnant",I said to him,"congratulations,a child is a blessing from God",he would reply with an attitude.By that time I had moved back in with my parents.I was stressed out,my parents would be very dissapointed in me.Pregnant,with no job and out of wedlock.I tried to raise the issue but this time wanted him to know the seriousness of the matter so was firm with him,the things which he said made me think of suicide,"don't try that nonsense with me,who knows if I'm the father of the child,there are many potential people out there who can be the father,do not come to my house,that's my wife's place,if you want a place to stay you can go to my rural home and stay there."I felt Soo useless,so that is how a man could turn against you after messing you up.
The rest of the month was Soo stressful,dealing with morning illnesses,fatigue and all other things which come with pregnancy and the worst part was that,there was noone I could talk to,not even my parents.I had to be humble towards Joseph and apologize even in a situation where I wasn't wrong.Anytime I could ask for his help or attention,he would always be ready to throw at me a negative remark.He would most of the time assume my texts and later on say that his son had his phone or complain about me trying to act Soo important.I was living in hell while alive at the same time.
To say God saved me is an understatement.After a month the child in my womb started having issues because of the stress I was going through.I could not ask my parents for help because I was keeping my pregnancy a secret.I had to turn to Joseph even if he would react negatively.Luckily he accepted to help me and went to the hospital.The doctors asked me if I was married and because of trying to hide my shame I lied that I was.I had to act happy and strong even though inside I was dying with depression.After the first dosage I began to bleed heavily,I was having a miscarriage.My mum asked me why I seemed to be very sick and pale,I lied to her that I was in that time of the month.The pain was Soo severe,I felt as if someone was slicing my intestines with a very sharp knife.I thought of my so called boyfriend,the lies he had told me in the past of how he would love my child if we had any, "was it all lust?didn't he love me at all?All the things he had said to me were they all lies?am I not good enough for him to love?why do I meet people who use me and leave me?will I ever be good enough for anyone?"the questions I kept asking myself.
I thought of Soo many evil things I could do to him,,,like destroying his family or going the voodoo way if at all it works.After the miscarriage,I think my brain started functioning again.I saw the toxic relationship I had gotten myself into and I knew I had to end it.Some of my friends told me not to quit it because who knew when next I would get a partner and looking at my age I knew I needed to settle in a relationship if not be in a promising one.This is the period I got to learn on this stupid if not pathetic theory of the belief in men being few which has led and is continuing to lead many women to toxic marriages so as to cover the shame of not having a husband.A theory which gives men power to treat ladies as they wish because apparently the number of women is double that of men.But as an educated and religious person,I knew I had to stop this relationship one way or another but inside me still burning was the urge to destroy him,destroy his family,destroy his career.I remembered the bitter words from his wife and thought to myself,"are her words manifesting?"but my ego couldn't accept all that.One way or another I had to make him feel the pain because I thought I would feel better if he too goes through pain.
"What should I do? Should I sit and waste my time trying to make him pay? should I focus on myself,my career, something which I've worked since childhood for?"I was left with Soo many questions unanswered.My only worry was if I could ever love again,because does love really exist?Will there ever reach a time I can open my heart again?I had been betrayed enough even before Joseph.You want to know who?No that's a past not to be awakened.
I became an angry person.A person full of negativity and hate towards anyone.I hated teachers because his wife was a teacher.I didn't understand myself anymore.I began to sleep around just to make this anger go away but it was still there.I remember I almost made a deal with the devil just to take revenge on Joseph.I was tired of being hurt,tired of giving my energy to the wrong people and tired if the theories around.I decided to try and ruin his work I contacted his company and reported him for abuse,,,I mean I was going crazy.I gave out his details and everything about him but I had to back out after being asked to provide my details too.I didn't know myself anymore.Day by day I was consumed by anger and pain.I guess he was lucky because I didn't know of any thugs around because I would have used them to harm him.I kept asking myself why he chose to hurt me.I was just a customer asking for his assistance He could have just assisted me and let me go.why did he choose to contact me,make me fall in love with him and dump me?I mean I was just a naive girl,heartbroken, looking for healing and he took advantage of that even after knowing it would not last or that he was married.I had love and he had lust.
But life must go on,right?But an advice to my fellow youth most especially ladies,never choose to be second in anyone's life, always remember your worth and that you are better than that.Yes we see it as being cool,being like others,wanting to be accepted by people but it's not always the right way to go.I learnt my lesson in a hard way and it's something I can never wish even for my greatest rival in life.
Joseph,Joseph the man I thought I thought would be with,who would marry me,who was different from all of them.Yes he was married but I didn't mind,I could be his second wife I mean that's what most teens do today.i mean love works in different ways,,,or is it lust?
I met him at the bank,a charming,humble and sharp man,"he has all qualities I want",I thought to myself,"but can that kind of man like me?"After that encounter,our conversations began,all about love,I was Soo happy and felt Soo lucky I wanted him all to myself.
After about a month,his wife texted me"thanks for ruining my marriage with Joseph Onditi,may the tears of a woman follow you".This message really shook me.I was scared,am I cursed?I asked myself.I quickly texted Joseph and told him about the message I received.He encouraged me and told me not to be afraid,because he wants to marry me too.Stupid enough I followed,,I mean the heart loves blindly.The rest of the months were Soo adventurous,visited places I never thought I would visit,ate at expensive restaurants and for the first time even drank alcohol.Whenever his wife texted me,I would reply rudely and was looking forward to them separating,I didn't care about the child involved which they had together.All I wanted was for her to leave and I did everything to spite her.I remember once she told me,"what Joseph has for you is lust not love",who cares,I loved him.
After about five months things began to change.This was after Joseph's sister passed away.Because he had to take leave from work it meant that he would be home with the wife full time for the whole burial week.He started creating some rules in calls,and meeting."You have to understand",a common word I started being told."A good second wife should be polite and should understand we can meet even if it's once in a month."What kind of relationship did I get myself in? Whenever I would want to meet him he was busy.He later told me that his wife had quit her job and so was going to be around throughout so meeting could only be possible if he was free or could get time.Time which previously was created was this time looked for.I felt Soo alone.I would travel to go and wait for him near his work place and the moment I texted to notify him of my presence,he would immediately come up with an excuse on top of being busy.
The worst happened in November when I found out I was expectant and still in a secret relationship.This was the time when I got to fully know the type of man I was dating."I am pregnant",I said to him,"congratulations,a child is a blessing from God",he would reply with an attitude.By that time I had moved back in with my parents.I was stressed out,my parents would be very dissapointed in me.Pregnant,with no job and out of wedlock.I tried to raise the issue but this time wanted him to know the seriousness of the matter so was firm with him,the things which he said made me think of suicide,"don't try that nonsense with me,who knows if I'm the father of the child,there are many potential people out there who can be the father,do not come to my house,that's my wife's place,if you want a place to stay you can go to my rural home and stay there."I felt Soo useless,so that is how a man could turn against you after messing you up.
The rest of the month was Soo stressful,dealing with morning illnesses,fatigue and all other things which come with pregnancy and the worst part was that,there was noone I could talk to,not even my parents.I had to be humble towards Joseph and apologize even in a situation where I wasn't wrong.Anytime I could ask for his help or attention,he would always be ready to throw at me a negative remark.He would most of the time assume my texts and later on say that his son had his phone or complain about me trying to act Soo important.I was living in hell while alive at the same time.
To say God saved me is an understatement.After a month the child in my womb started having issues because of the stress I was going through.I could not ask my parents for help because I was keeping my pregnancy a secret.I had to turn to Joseph even if he would react negatively.Luckily he accepted to help me and went to the hospital.The doctors asked me if I was married and because of trying to hide my shame I lied that I was.I had to act happy and strong even though inside I was dying with depression.After the first dosage I began to bleed heavily,I was having a miscarriage.My mum asked me why I seemed to be very sick and pale,I lied to her that I was in that time of the month.The pain was Soo severe,I felt as if someone was slicing my intestines with a very sharp knife.I thought of my so called boyfriend,the lies he had told me in the past of how he would love my child if we had any, "was it all lust?didn't he love me at all?All the things he had said to me were they all lies?am I not good enough for him to love?why do I meet people who use me and leave me?will I ever be good enough for anyone?"the questions I kept asking myself.
I thought of Soo many evil things I could do to him,,,like destroying his family or going the voodoo way if at all it works.After the miscarriage,I think my brain started functioning again.I saw the toxic relationship I had gotten myself into and I knew I had to end it.Some of my friends told me not to quit it because who knew when next I would get a partner and looking at my age I knew I needed to settle in a relationship if not be in a promising one.This is the period I got to learn on this stupid if not pathetic theory of the belief in men being few which has led and is continuing to lead many women to toxic marriages so as to cover the shame of not having a husband.A theory which gives men power to treat ladies as they wish because apparently the number of women is double that of men.But as an educated and religious person,I knew I had to stop this relationship one way or another but inside me still burning was the urge to destroy him,destroy his family,destroy his career.I remembered the bitter words from his wife and thought to myself,"are her words manifesting?"but my ego couldn't accept all that.One way or another I had to make him feel the pain because I thought I would feel better if he too goes through pain.
"What should I do? Should I sit and waste my time trying to make him pay? should I focus on myself,my career, something which I've worked since childhood for?"I was left with Soo many questions unanswered.My only worry was if I could ever love again,because does love really exist?Will there ever reach a time I can open my heart again?I had been betrayed enough even before Joseph.You want to know who?No that's a past not to be awakened.
I became an angry person.A person full of negativity and hate towards anyone.I hated teachers because his wife was a teacher.I didn't understand myself anymore.I began to sleep around just to make this anger go away but it was still there.I remember I almost made a deal with the devil just to take revenge on Joseph.I was tired of being hurt,tired of giving my energy to the wrong people and tired if the theories around.I decided to try and ruin his work I contacted his company and reported him for abuse,,,I mean I was going crazy.I gave out his details and everything about him but I had to back out after being asked to provide my details too.I didn't know myself anymore.Day by day I was consumed by anger and pain.I guess he was lucky because I didn't know of any thugs around because I would have used them to harm him.I kept asking myself why he chose to hurt me.I was just a customer asking for his assistance He could have just assisted me and let me go.why did he choose to contact me,make me fall in love with him and dump me?I mean I was just a naive girl,heartbroken, looking for healing and he took advantage of that even after knowing it would not last or that he was married.I had love and he had lust.
But life must go on,right?But an advice to my fellow youth most especially ladies,never choose to be second in anyone's life, always remember your worth and that you are better than that.Yes we see it as being cool,being like others,wanting to be accepted by people but it's not always the right way to go.I learnt my lesson in a hard way and it's something I can never wish even for my greatest rival in life.
