Flames and Cigarette

How did I get here? that was the question I asked myself over and over as I sat in front of this
middle aged woman who called herself a doctor.
her lips were moving but my brain couldn't make any sense of what she was saying,maybe its the
cigarette I am currently puffing with reckless abaddon,or the drugs I took yesterday,either ways
my brain is really messed up right now
"what happened to you?" a voice broke into my fogged brain
"what pushed you? do you feel sorry?" it was the doctor's,I think her name is roland or something
'I only feel sorry for still breathing" I said to myself
"tell me,why don't you want to breathe,you know we need oxygen to live?" she asked
how on earth did this bitch hear me? or did I say it out loud? I must be more messed up than I
think.
talk to me,we all need oxygen to live right?
"NO"! I barked at her
"people don't live on oxygen alone"
I hiss then take a long drag of my cigarette
"how then can one live without breathing?" doctor roland asked
I laughed silently "you will not understand"
"but I want to understand" she said
"you still won't get it" I replied her
she looked at me with empathy,"trust me i know how life can be"
I scoff,"you have no idea trust me"
"crazy,sad,sick" she continued
"you think?" I say sarcastically
"my dear everyone has an ache that they're handling,trying to handle" she emphasized
I snort and continue smoking
"3 years ago,I lost my 11 year old daughter to osteogenic sarcoma also known as cancer of the
bone". she started
I looked at her from the corner of my left eye,I was a bit concerned and interested
"I watched as my daughter suffered and fought for her life,I and my husband's hands were
tied,we tried everything we could,but still..we lost her,I would have gladly traded places with her,I
couldn't watch my little girl suffer that way".she stops talking and tries to control her emotions
I removed my leg from her table where I had carelessly flung it and sat appropriately
"my husband and I never really recovered,we are just living through it,because that's what life is
about,continuity,never giving up,that's what she would have wanted"
she looks up at me,and I hold up my cigarette to her,you seriously need this more than I do.
she smiles at me,takes the cigarette and mutters a "thank you
she takes a drag,I smile at her,she smiles back
"so what's your story?" she says while passing me the cigarette
I took a long drag and I sigh
"Ever since when I was a child...I remember always seeing the apartment,scattered,smashed
and in disarray,I was 5 when I started noticing the abnormality in my family,my mom and dad
constantly fought,right...