I think there is a hole inside my heart. Metaphorically. That hole seems to get bigger and deeper with time. I don't know what this is all about. Sometimes, I see that hole cracking me up. It shakes me till I am shattered. I obviously don't really know what I am talking about.
I seem to have issues with my father. Mind you we both are same. At least our egos are. I don't know why cannot I talk to him. One reason could be that I am really really scared. I don't seem to understand why. Everyday I look at him I pray to god he is okay. I think I get some kind of panic attack everytime I think of him not being there anymore. The aftermath of this thought could me either I will die too or I will survive and take care of my family- my little brother and muma. But who will console me for the loss?
But you know what's the greatest tragedy here?
I can't seem to talk to him when he is alive. But I often go to seek every possibility of how I will survive when he is no more.I don't have issues with my father. It just seems he is not satisfied with his life. I am always struggling to contain this fear. The fear that he might give up. He might just give up too soon. What if he won't be there to congratulate me on my graduation? I think I am going to throwup.

You know my family is a little weird. My father seems to hold up to many things. But if you ask me for an honest opinion, I want to tell you the truth. I think he failed in the journey of his life. This is really what I think. He has always been this unhappy. May be I am exaggerating. But may be I am not. His failures make me scared. And I guess that's why I don't want to talk to him. Because I am afraid of failures too.