5 years ago, I met a girl on a bus, traveling from Kaduna to Abuja. After hours of deliberation and constant admiration I gathered courage & introduced myself. I said "Hi, my name is Donald, I'm from Okavango, Bendel State. I'm Sangal". She said "Hi Don, I am Sugar & you're late." I couldn't help but laugh, I immediately thought I'd met my soulmate. Swept by her sense of humor.

And for the next 4 years, Marrietta gave me life. She gave me love, she gave me devotion, she gave me belief. She gave me everything and she was amazing.

Sadly, Marietta got married today, and the groom by her side wasn't me.
I played myself gents! I played myself.

We spoke about a month ago: 7 months after she'd left & I only learned of the depth of pain I'd caused this woman. When she asked, "did you ever love me?" I was dumbfounded. I didn't even know how to respond.

I had shared about 4 years of my life with her, yet somehow, through my actions and inactions, I'd made her doubt everything in the 4 years. Sad? yes?...

In between, I had many times felt Marietta didn't dream big enough, I felt she was too comfortable and not seeing the world how I wanted and imagined. I had most times pressured her to go beyond her limits. I felt she was to predisposed to the mediocre life, even she wasn't doing badly at all. I just wanted more. I kept asking; why would you be so comfortable with where you are? Don't you yearn for more?

Only, I didn't realize some people are wired differently, they want to live quietly and die quietly. They don't want too much, they just want enough money to fix their needs, get married, make enough to raise kids and live comfortable enough. Anything more, they don't care and that's okay, but I didn't think it enough.

So, in wanting more, I was indirectly pushing her away, she was hanging on to see if I would get a grip on myself and understand her better. I didn't. I thought it was about me, I didn't even know how hurt she was. I was selfish and insensitive.

Last week Mama had called and asked about her. She lamented that Marietta hadn't spoken to her for over a month, "is everything ok?" Long after she'd broken up with me, this woman was still checking up on my Mama. I almost broke down when Mama said, it's time I married her, "what are you waiting for"?

Now, how do I tell mama I had messed up everything and Marietta is now married to someone more serious than her son? I kept mute and played round the discussion just to avoid having the conversation. I'm paying for my mistakes, already. I couldn't bare to talk about it, not with my mother especially.

And boy I have suffered for it! I called Marrietta, a week before her wedding. I said, "Please Marietta, please. Give me another chance, Just one more chance, please" And this time I meant it. Must have been too late. Because she said, "I gave you 4, you wouldn't change. you wouldn't take me more serious. It's done, I'm done."

So soulmates get over you afterall, I thought to myself. I've lost her for life!

Now, I'm broken. I've been thinking what I'd do differently if I find another; maybe try to learn my partner's love language. Compromise on my comfort every once in a while. Understand my way is not the only way. Claim her more. Say something, the grunts are not enough. More dates. More gifts: The small gestures. More forehead kisses.

Now, I know better, but it's already too late. I guess I'll have to deal with my regrets knowing I made the mistakes.

Dear Momma,
I'm writing, again ✍️

© jk writes!