My family has gone through many stages in our Christian journey, together and separately. Some were difficult and painful, others were difficult and joyful, and some were just divine.

Throughout our journey, we were often separated at Christmas, and each year I prayed for that Christmas to be the one when we would be together.

My Christian journey's theme was accepting Jesus back into my heart. You may think it sounds strange to have a Christian journey without Christ, and it is. Thankfully, God was quite patient with me as I resisted His Son for most of my life. Nonetheless, He got me to the perfect destination at the ideal time. By now, you are probably confused, so let me explain.

When I was young, my grandmother took me to Sunday school, where I learned how much Jesus loved me. In response to His love, He became my best friend. Each day, I couldn't wait for bedtime to talk to my friend Jesus. Sometimes I would go to the "big" church with my grandma. I liked church for the music and because our pastor's speaking voice was comforting. All was well with my spiritual life until the Sunday Jesus ended our friendship.

I was about six years old on that day, attending the big church when the pastor gave an alter call. I was far too young to participate in an adult alter call, and I lacked the understanding to process the meaning of this experience effectively. But no one stopped me. All that I did understand was that I was going to talk to my friend Jesus. I will continue this part of the story through a poem written many years later as part of allowing Jesus back into my heart.

At the Tender Age of Six
It was when I was six years old
At a church in my hometown,
That the pastor gave an alter call
To help the lost be found.
He asked us to come forward,
So our lives might be redeemed.
I didn't think that I was lost,
I didn't know what he could mean.

The pastor said I would talk to Jesus
Invite Him to come into my heart;
He said Jesus would change everything
Give my life a brand new start.
Well, I knew how to talk to Jesus
I'd done it many times before.
This redeeming thing seemed easy;
A talk with Jesus, nothing more.

I was very excited,
Expecting to have fun.
So I ran headlong down the aisle,
Smiling and waving at everyone.
I heard the pastor say that Jesus
Was going to save us all from sin.
He would redeem our lives for God
Once we invited Him to come in.

So I prayed the words after the pastor,
I asked Jesus to fill my heart.
And I waited in anticipation,
For my brand new life to start.
When I felt absolutely nothing,
I opened up just one eye.
Peered around the altar,
And felt panic begin to rise.

For I understood what had happened,
I just hoped it didn't show.
That when I asked Jesus into my heart,
He answer was hell, NO!
On that day when I was six years old,
I began to feel the need to hide.
And it was the day I came to understand
That God and religion were just lies.
It was the only way my heart could accept
Or understand this shameful conflict
About why Jesus Christ would reject me
At the tender age of six
©Linda Troxell 07/31/2017


Thus began a lonely and challenging life with my heart burdened by a grudge against the Son of God. I dealt with it by ignoring the existence of Jesus and believing only in God. When I first made that decision, I was still too young to understand they were the same person. That was the beginning of 50 years without the joy of knowing my Savior. When someone mentioned Jesus' name, I just tuned out. I still thought I was Christian and accepted the paradox of being a Christian without Christ; until God would tolerate it no more.

Because I'm a single mother and my daughter is an only child, we have always been very close. She was saved and committed to Christ as an adult with her own children. I'm happy that my issue with Christ did not prevent my daughter from coming to Jesus or, by God's grace, that it didn't cause a severe rift in our relationship. But still, my brokenness brought something into our relationship that we could not discuss openly for the first time.

At the time, I wished I could protect my grandchildren from the delusion that Jesus was their loving best friend. I knew better; He and I were still not on speaking terms. But I didn't give my opinion about how my daughter raised her kids unless she asked. I just avoided that part of their lives. It was painful, but not yet painful enough to melt my frozen heart.

When my grandson was ready to start High School, and his sister was only eight years old, the firm their father worked for moved 400 miles away to a suburb of San Francisco, and he chose to transfer with them....