Once there was a young girl, blonde and bright. She spent hours with friends, laughed and partied. She of course met a guy, and before long there were little feet kicking her inside. Unfortunately the relationship had ended, long before she knew. She did her best to include him, he just couldn't be bothered. He had a daughter with an new mother and our son was forgotten. While being in pain with a mouth to feed, I turned to someone I thought I could trust. He was tall and handsome and strong. just as he once was, a long time ago when we first met. Hard to believe 15 years had passed. We hung out like it was yesterday, you had your issues but all I wanted was to feel love. I couldn't see what my worth was, and I thought you saw it, you said you did. But then again, I was the one having to prove it. You made me jump through hoop just to say we were a couple, a whole month long anniversary because of it. You do well with my son and treat him like your own. I didn't really see that it was all just an act. soon I became sick and turned to you. Anxiety and panic attacks had me crazy. I ended up having to go off work. Your only comment.... make sure your still bringing in your paycheck.... so as told, I did what you asked... listened to you and trusted you'd be there to help me. Fast forward 5 years we have moved to a new city. at first it was lovely. Then I see the emails of you trying to cheat... I show you and freak. You tell me what I need to hear so I shut up, make it my fault demand an apology. I'm still sick and your always angry. Shortly after I find out I'm pregnant. You change almost instantly, like night day. your caring and sweet and hold my purse when I need to pee. Then our son comes, you chose his name. Suddenly I'm the only one who gets up, we had an agreement how things would work. Yet 7 years later and it's never been in my favor. You do what you want and again we move. Back to the big city just for you. it was at this time I thought about leaving, but in the end I tricked myself to believe I couldn't be without you. I'm not sure how. I find emails again, this time I just bring them to you, hand them off and put my head down. I should have left then but stupid me I didn't...... No the fact is, your a toxic man who has punished me when you saw fit. even when I was sick. Took away you affection unless you wanted it. I became the toy you were emailing for. Cook, clean do the laundry, never mind being so sick and wanting to be in bed. Be up with the baby, walk the dog, go get coffee and the groceries. Buy all of what the kids need. I try to have some friends but, that didn't quite work out. Never really able to go out, you spent 12 hours or more working that's if you wernt on a road trip. again things fall apart and we have to move, this time we go to my home town city. we sign the lease, and get the bills put in my name. $1100 each per month this time. Not all on me. a few months pass and we are doing well. Working like a team then once again the shit hit the fan. you ended up quiting your job. because you felt you couldn't trin your superior. and I get told to pick up the slack. I agree as I thought we were good. Boy was I dumb as they come. it's been almost 2 years since, I see a few bucks for food, if I ask. and only if the cupboards are bare and my account is on zero. a few arguments happen and I'm a whore.... having an affair with some in another country. This time I see what's happening. You see that friend was a boy and you didn't like how much I would laugh and smile. because you couldn't make that happen for me. no matter what you did it would be fleeting. with him I would smile for hours, it's amazing what a positive person can do for you. He mentioned how you were acting didn't seem right. you made bacon one weekend and ended up drinking, the rest of the whisky that you didn't need. I was busy, didn't hear you puking in the back yard. boy were you mad when you had the chance to come in... you yelled and cussed said I was useless. a dumb bitch who didn't care. and you were right, you put your self there. I didn't force you to drink almost a full bottle. But thats not what you see. you see me having fun doing and you being miserable. that won't do. you put me to tears as fast as you can, between vomiting and cussing. You yell at me to get you a blanket. I suggest you go inside but you won't have it. so off I go head down I leave my friend and get you a blanket. I go back out side and in the 2 mins you passed out on the deck with your head ready to puke again. At this site I finally realized. What you truly were. shortly after you went away for the weekend, a air soft game you go to with your brother. I pack your bags and get them ready, make sure you have everything, if not it will be my fault so just make sure ahead of schedule. and your off 6am on the move. and I'm.... feeling.... Peace. my boys wake up and we have breakfast, TV shows and switches. smiles and laughs, it's one of the nicest mornings we have had in a while. the boys go out with friends and im on my video game too. hanging out with my friend having a blast. the weekend seeds by and my phone rings, your telling me you'll be coming home again. I say ok, with the feeling of dread. I play and chill with a few of my friends, and all of a sudden your here again. not the next day like you claimed but now and I'm having and anxiety attack. I get off my game and say hello. your in an ok mood. I decide now would be the best time, so I tell you I'm done. I'm not happy and broken. I want you to leave and get some help with your anger too. You get upset and beg and plead. you know it's not I that needs. it's you who needs me for what I can do. you have no job, your business makes not enough,you havnt payed any bills. that was a year ago now. I sleep in the basement pay all the bills. we tryed to do counciling which went well until you learned I wouldn't be having sex with you any time soon. then you decided you wanted out, no doctor knew what's best for you.... so I sit and I wait, everytime I have asked you to leave you threaten to take our son away. you open another new business, again not bothering to talk to me. I just need you to pay your half so I can start to build myself back. but thats too much to ask. I'm stuck in a house with no love, a fake man that wants me to do everything for him. then be his biggest support too. all while I disappear. No not happening, your not worth it to me. but you still won't leave. and I cant afford to save enough to go... so here I am stuck still. this is the reason I'm Blue.
my eyes are as blue as the the sky and so is my soul. all I ever wanted was to be loved. and all I get is left behind feeling broken inside. never enough no matter who it is. or on the other side I'm too much of this, the deep and harsh and sad and lonely. it's been almost 10 years of this. I'm dieing to have an actual connection. One that my soul can trust in. I'm a work in progress as I find my way out of the shadow. but im coming and it's going to be a battle.

So thank you for reading this far, I hope by putting it down in writing it will finally alow me to let go in reality.
I'm BeautifulBlueGem nice to meet you.💙
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