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In Search For A Savior
I can see the look in my wife’s eyes. Her face pale. Her look of tiredness. I could see the cancer has spread and it’s slowly diminishing her. She’s a fighter I like to keep in mind, but anyone can easily see she’s tired of fighting. I’m in my Vheicle contemplating. A white Kia forte LXS year 2020, and I’m looking back at the time when I was severely ill and how she rush and stopped at nothing to see me recover. Than tears dripped down my eyes because I knew as she been there for me, I had to be there for her. “I have to strive hard to get her well again”. I kept telling myself. Her legs are wearing down from lack of sleep through endless pain from the tumor. Doctors finally prescribed some morphine, but upset I was because she was giving it on an empty stomach around 4am, which brought her the side effect of stomach burning sensations. It appears the morphine was seeking to nursish on food, but on an empty stomach it nurishes on any fat there is, hence burning sensations that you will most likely get. At least that’s how I think of it. When I arrived at the ER to pick her up after they quickly discharged her, which I thought was strange. I wanted her there just like any family would until she gotten her strength back and she could sleep better. She was already outside the ER sitting in the seats next to the automatic opening doors, so I didn’t even bother stressing her about why she did not wait for me inside so I can ask a few questions, and I immediately got her in the car. I rushed to a nearby subway sandwich spot and got her whole wheat with tuna, lettuce, tomatoes and a few other things added that she liked with the bread slightly toasted. I knew because of her diabetes type 2, which by the way is the illness she first had before her cancer diagnosis around two years ago, when we lived in Rhode Island. I knew she couldn’t hold on it until we arrived home, which was 45 minutes plus from the Hartford CT ER, and with what little strength she could manage to gain she began to slowly eat. I could see she was very weak. When I looked at my wife’s face it was like seeing someone dying slowly and I couldn’t bare the thought of loosing her. Some anger began inside of me in search for a solution, but I kept myself calm and collected because I knew that wouldn’t make things any better. The lack of sleepless nights due to the tumor pain did so much damage in just a short 2 weeks since her mother came rushing on the earliest flight she could catch from the Dominican Republic. Although I knew her mother should have stayed longer at the time because her daughter needed her I didn’t stress that out because I was just glad we got her back here. This time she be staying for at least a few months time.
I got the prescription for cephalexin, which is a pain reliever like morphine if I’m not mistaken. I didn’t know if it even was, but I knew it will help when she heads to bed at night. I had it in my hand as I sat in the car and wrote down my feelings and thoughts. Writing appears to be very strong in helping me with all this emotional and mental stress among other things I’ve had in mind. I also felt a bit exhausted. I called my job at the USPS and notify them that I will be taking that Leave of Absence using whatever hours I’ve accumulated. I feel due to the circumstance at hand, it was the right move because I couldn’t focus at work very much.
When I brought her home I told her mother to make sure she stood in bed and didn’t try to clean nor do any house chores. My wife is a high, traditional, maintenance kind of woman. She’s always assuring the home is in the best shape no matter how tired she’d be, so it was definitely challenging for us to figure out a way to get her to stay put. When we finally did and she was in bed resting, I decided to head off to pick up her prescription and here we are with me inside my vheicle writing.
At first when I got into my vheicle I wanted to cry hard and let the stress and sadness go off. I wanted to contact any of my family or friends I knew and talk about it, but it was merely 7:30 in the morning and I knew most of them be asleep. I didn’t want to disturb anyone’s sleep, so I just began writing things down. In moments like these one seeks answers. You find yourself thinking “What could I have done differently?” Or if you even could have done anything at all to make things better. I suppose that is all part of the process and things are going accordingly to Gods plan. Than I began questioning my beliefs like “What is the point?” I wasn’t trusting the process as if I had lost hope and even faith in God. Life is sure full of surprises when you least expected. Throughout all the curve balls thrown at us we have managed to swing a home run every time. This time though, it appeared we were nearly striking out. I thought to myself. “It’s bottom of the nineth, bases are loaded, two strikes and my wife’s will power is at bat”. “Will she strike out?” Or “Will a savior give her the strength she needs to go all the way back home where she belongs?”
All of her life she faithfully believed, and as long as I’ve known my wife, for the first time I could see she was beginning to loose faith so rapidly. I’d even wondered if she had any left. If there was a time for God to come through, that time is now. For In Search for a savior I pray each day that God almighty hears my prayers and he restores my wife health completely vanishing this cancer.
© Johnny Cigars
I got the prescription for cephalexin, which is a pain reliever like morphine if I’m not mistaken. I didn’t know if it even was, but I knew it will help when she heads to bed at night. I had it in my hand as I sat in the car and wrote down my feelings and thoughts. Writing appears to be very strong in helping me with all this emotional and mental stress among other things I’ve had in mind. I also felt a bit exhausted. I called my job at the USPS and notify them that I will be taking that Leave of Absence using whatever hours I’ve accumulated. I feel due to the circumstance at hand, it was the right move because I couldn’t focus at work very much.
When I brought her home I told her mother to make sure she stood in bed and didn’t try to clean nor do any house chores. My wife is a high, traditional, maintenance kind of woman. She’s always assuring the home is in the best shape no matter how tired she’d be, so it was definitely challenging for us to figure out a way to get her to stay put. When we finally did and she was in bed resting, I decided to head off to pick up her prescription and here we are with me inside my vheicle writing.
At first when I got into my vheicle I wanted to cry hard and let the stress and sadness go off. I wanted to contact any of my family or friends I knew and talk about it, but it was merely 7:30 in the morning and I knew most of them be asleep. I didn’t want to disturb anyone’s sleep, so I just began writing things down. In moments like these one seeks answers. You find yourself thinking “What could I have done differently?” Or if you even could have done anything at all to make things better. I suppose that is all part of the process and things are going accordingly to Gods plan. Than I began questioning my beliefs like “What is the point?” I wasn’t trusting the process as if I had lost hope and even faith in God. Life is sure full of surprises when you least expected. Throughout all the curve balls thrown at us we have managed to swing a home run every time. This time though, it appeared we were nearly striking out. I thought to myself. “It’s bottom of the nineth, bases are loaded, two strikes and my wife’s will power is at bat”. “Will she strike out?” Or “Will a savior give her the strength she needs to go all the way back home where she belongs?”
All of her life she faithfully believed, and as long as I’ve known my wife, for the first time I could see she was beginning to loose faith so rapidly. I’d even wondered if she had any left. If there was a time for God to come through, that time is now. For In Search for a savior I pray each day that God almighty hears my prayers and he restores my wife health completely vanishing this cancer.
© Johnny Cigars
