last night, i drank and got drunk. that bitter taste of gin, so foreign to me, clung to my throat, making me gag and twist my face into silly, distorted expressions. i’m not one to drink much, but last night, it felt like the only way to escape—escape you. but even as i tried to drown thoughts of you in that burning liquid, you clung to me tighter than ever.

i guess i thought the alcohol would blur you out, make you distant, like a smudge on a window. but you were there in every corner of my mind, refusing to fade. my friend, who was drinking with me, mentioned his height, and i couldn’t help but laugh a little, because it’s the same as yours. isn’t that funny? i asked him to stand next to me, to see where i’d measure up, and in that moment, it wasn’t him i was looking at—it was you. i snapped a picture, stared at it, and imagined us, side by side. would we look good together? would we fit? would you feel like you belonged right there beside me?

they talked about their relationships, my friends. they shared stories, laughed, teased each other, and there i was, the odd one out—the one without someone. i used to think i didn’t care. being alone wasn’t something that bothered me before, but now, it’s different. now, it’s you i think about when they speak of love. how would our hands fit together? would yours be warm and comforting? how would it feel to have your fingers intertwined with mine? sometimes, i imagine tracing the lines on your palms, like a puzzle i’m desperate to solve. maybe if i did, i’d understand you more, understand why you’ve taken such a hold on my heart.

i thought about you before i started drinking. i thought about you as the alcohol coursed through my veins, making my head spin and my heart ache. and i thought about you when i woke up this morning, with that dull, throbbing pain in my head. but it wasn’t the hangover that hurt the most—it was the lingering thought of you, the ache that just wouldn’t go away.

i don’t want to do this anymore. i don’t want to get drunk because of you. i don’t want to waste my nights drowning in alcohol, hoping it’ll numb the feelings i have for you. you don’t even know what you’re doing to me. you don’t deserve this pain i’m putting myself through. but here i am, suffering, and for what? for someone who doesn’t even realize the depth of the feelings i’m trying so hard to bury.

i wish it was as easy as just forgetting, but it’s not. it’s like you’ve burrowed yourself into my mind, and no amount of alcohol, no amount of distraction, seems to loosen your grip. i know i’m only hurting myself, clutching at these thoughts, letting them consume me, but i can’t seem to stop. you’ve become a part of me, a part i didn’t ask for, but now i can’t imagine being without.

i want to let go. i want to find peace, to look at my friends, at their happy relationships, and not feel that pang of longing for something i don’t have. but every time i try, every time i think i’m getting closer to moving on, something pulls me back. it’s you. it’s always you. and it’s breaking me down, bit by bit, night by night.

i’m tired. i’m tired of feeling this way, of letting you occupy every corner of my mind. i’m tired of the way my heart clenches whenever i think of you, of the way my thoughts spiral out of control, dragging me deeper into this pit of longing and despair. i want to be free of this, free of you.

but i don’t know how.

i don’t know how to untangle myself from these emotions. i don’t know how to stop caring, to stop wondering what could have been. it’s like i’m stuck in this loop, and no matter how hard i try to break free, i keep coming back to you.

last night was a wake-up call, i suppose. a harsh reminder that drinking away my feelings isn’t going to make them disappear. it’s only going to make things worse, only going to leave me feeling more lost, more alone. and you—well, you’ll still be there, in my thoughts, in my heart, untouched by the chaos you’ve caused in me.

so, i guess this is it. this is me trying, really trying, to let go. to stop letting you have this power over me. because as much as i want you, as much as i’ve dreamt of us being together, i can’t keep doing this to myself. it’s not fair—to me, to my heart, to my soul.

i wish things were different. i wish you felt the same way, or at the very least, i wish i could make these feelings disappear. but that’s not how it works, is it? emotions aren’t something you can just switch off. they linger, they cling, they dig in their claws and refuse to let go.

but i have to try. for my own sake, i have to try. maybe i won’t succeed right away, maybe i’ll stumble, maybe i’ll find myself back in this same place, feeling this same way. but i have to start somewhere, right? i have to start picking up the pieces, start finding a way to heal, even if it means facing this pain head-on.

so, no more drinking because of you. no more trying to drown out the thoughts of you with gin or anything else. i have to face this, face you, face the reality that we’re not meant to be, no matter how much i wish it were otherwise.

maybe one day, i’ll be able to look at you, think of you, and not feel this ache. maybe one day, i’ll find someone who makes me feel the way i’ve always wanted to feel—loved, cherished, wanted. but for now, i need to focus on me, on finding my own happiness, my own peace, without you in the center of it all.

it’s not going to be easy. it’s going to hurt, probably more than i can imagine. but i have to believe that there’s light at the end of this tunnel, that one day, i’ll look back and realize that this was the moment i started to heal.

so, here’s to that—here’s to healing, to letting go, to finding myself again, without you.

© keebo