After months of relentless training, Victor and I were placed on the western front, a 400-mile stretch of land through France and Belgium, to fight in the battle of the Somme . I’ve always wanted to travel. This definitely wasn’t what I had in mind.
I was told great battles were to be fought here, on the western front. ‘Great’ what a foolish way of describing war. They put men with no experience in danger and I was forced to stand by and watch as countless died beside me.

I curse my trembling body as I'm clinging to the rifle, it feels unfamiliar in my hands and I can’t bear the thought of firing it. Of killing another man. How can I be such a coward when Victor is already clambering up and out of the trench with a smile on his face? Such a positive attitude seems beyond impossible at a time like this but Victor always makes it look so easy.
The horrible rancid smell of the trenches snaps me out of my deep thought and panic fills my mind. It’s time to go. My hands are shaking even more now and my vision is becoming blurry, my boots slip in the mud and my breathing quickens. I feel as if I’m suffocating. I can’t speak. I can’t scream. My throatis closing up and my body is frozen. “Come on Colin, we can do this!” I hear the muffled voice of Victor echo in the back of my mind but I’m stuck in the ditch and now shaking uncontrollably.

They say ignorance is bliss. Maybe that’s why no one saved us. Maybe that’s why the government lied and led their people to slaughter. I’ve always had strong feelings about the war, all of them being negative, but Victor thought otherwise and I guess that’s why I’m here. Trembling in a trench like the coward I am. The coward I always have been whether I like it or not. Victor never called me a coward. Victor was the one cheering me on, picking me up, calming me down. I trust Victor completely and I know he will never do anything to hurt me. I don't think he could even if he wanted to. We’re inseparable and I know this more than ever as I feel his hand now in mine and his reassuring tone already calming my nerves, bringing me back down from my panic.
I feel his warm breath on my neck as he puts his arm around my shoulder. I come to my senses and turn to face him. Where a disapproving frown should be I see a sympathetic smile and the flash of his emerald eyes. He helps me up and we begin to climb out of the trenches. I feel invincible when I’m with him and I am now filled with confidence. I’m unstoppable. We are unstoppable.

We charge forward through a hail of bullets to no man’s land and I keep glancing down trying to avoid tripping on the uneven ground. The smell of smoke fills my brain and I can’t think. Everything is a blur. I feel as if I’m in a trance. I can barely resist the urge to run back to the safety of the trenches, muddy and uncomfortable as they are. We reach barbed wire and victor pulls out his cutters safely getting us through and we continue. I’m not sure where we are now but I know I’m with Victor. I can hear machine guns and other heavy artillery but my legs won’t stop. A warm sensation spreads from my left shoulder down my arm. My vision is invaded by an inky void and the noises are drowned out by a ringing that fills my mind as I slowly fall onto my back to rest on the ground which is now littered with bodies.

Rotting flesh. That’s what I smell as the void retreats and my worries resume. Immediately horrible thoughts clog my brain. Is Victor okay? What happened to me? Am I… dead? The first thing I see distracts me from the vile smell and the intrusive thoughts. Victor, his emerald green eyes holding back tears. Victor, clearly injured but still smiling. I must have gotten shot or grazed by a bullet as I can feel the pain now. A searing, excruciating pain that blocks all thoughts and makes me wince when I breathe.
“You alright mate?” A foolish question but coming from Victor it fills me with comfort and joy. “I’ll live.” A fool’s answer to match a foolish question but he grins immediately.
“Out you go now, this man needs some rest.” A kind, young nurse puts her hand on Victor’s shoulder and the pain is once again unbearable as I watch him leave the hospital.

When I got out I was told it was one of the random attacks we were going to have to get used to as soldiers on the western front. Maybe this is when I realised what a bad idea it was to sign up or perhaps I was still blinded by Victor’s cheerful manner. I wasn’t hurt as bad as some of the other men so I was out again before I had a chance to fully recover. I don’t know how long exactly as time doesn’t have as much meaning here, a place of constant threats and terror.

“Bloody rats” Victor kicks at something under a bag of sand and I can’t help but smile though I miss the comfort of the field hospital. I missed Victor more. “Shoot ‘em if you hate them so much” I chuckle and Victor glares at the rat as it scurries away into the maze of the trench system. “I think I’m finally starting to get used to this” Victor’s words make no sense but I have to agree I’m getting into the routine too. The disgusting food, the horrible conditions. Maybe not the shellfire but the frequent attacks and the brief pauses of waiting in trenches I may be growing accustomed to. “ I wish I could disagree.”, I reply. For my view on this war is unchangingly negative. “What’s wrong with fighting for your country?” Victor has always been proud of this country and I don’t want to ruin his mood by going on about how stupid and dangerous this all is. I want to tell him how terrified I am by the thought of losing him as a result of either of us dying but he’s already busy again and I have to get to work as well.

I hear a sudden explosion overhead and my life flashes before my eyes. There’s yelling and men are already loading weapons and readying defences. I crouch down and hold back tears as more explosions fill my mind. I’m suffocating in my own dark thoughts and Victor is trying to pull me up. I can feel the vibrations of his voice yelling but I can’t hear him. There’s a man shouting behind me, likely my commander but I’m too terrified to care. Explosions, shouting. I clamp my hands over my ears, drowning out the noise. The void returns but this time it’s welcome. Anything to escape.

“COWARD!”
“COWARD!”
“COWARD!”

It’s not my fault.

Oh how much I miss the little mundane things about my old life. The smell of fresh coffee, the sound of the birds singing their beautiful songs in the trees by our house and the sound of Victor mumbling as he went about his day. These small things that kept me grounded. They reminded me I was alive. These things kept me human and now they’re gone. They’ve been stolen from me, ripped away by the terrors of war. The only thing I have left is Victor and his gleaming eyes, his contagious smile and his relentless, positive attitude towards almost everything. The war is so far from over yet I feared that I was. Over that is. It was the screams of “coward” that kept me going this time, the rage that bubbled over when my commander accused me of weakness. Victor dragged me up and all of a sudden the feeling of being invincible is back. I’m charging forwards with my rifle ignoring the shells exploding behind me. I can’t even hear them. All I can see is victor running ahead of me and we are going straight to no man’s land. We aren’t thinking about mines or machine guns. We don’t care about orders or plans. fueled by our belief in one another and my sudden ambition we were going to make it. Maybe it's the horrid conditions making us delirious. What are two ordinary men going to do? Win an entire battle by ourselves? It’s laughable really but I don’t care. All I care about is sticking with Victor. No matter what I’m going to get through this with him. I’ll be by his side forever. We’re still charging towards the heavy artillery and occasionally stumbling over rocks, shells and even bodies. As we’re running through the noise of machine guns and explosions Victor suddenly drops to the ground. I catch up and offer him my hand to help him up but he lays motionless on the ground so I push him onto his back assuming he’s injured his ankle and I’m met with the most horrific sight. Victor is covered in blood, shot right through the chest and I can’t save him. There’s blood all over my hands and I’m sobbing and shaking begging him not to die. Not to leave me. I stop and sit on my knees as reality sets in and I realise what’s happening. I beg for the void and it answers. The void brings me to peace and the smell of smoke, the sound of bombs and the feeling of tears beginning to roll down my cheeks fade away…

After days in the hospital, I’m sent home after refusing to fight. My commander tried to shoot me dead but nurses told us it was a mental condition. That it isn’t my fault.
I’m barely even awake for the next few weeks or months, travelling back in a daze. The only thing on my mind is Victor's lifeless body covered in blood. The next thing I know I’m back in England. Back home. Walking through the empty hallway and sinking down onto the living room floor my mind filled with gruesome memories of him. His beautiful emerald eyes and his smile. His smile. I no longer fear I’m losing myself. I know I am well and truly lost by now and there’s no coming back. Lost to the void. What a pathetic mind.

I leave my house so little now but when I do I am hit with waves of shame. Neighbours, strangers, and even old friends ridicule me for my behaviour. They call me a coward. Even my daily routine, the only thing keeping me human, isn’t the same. The cashier at the corner shop no longer smiles at me when I come in. He just avoids eye contact like a lot of people. Some of them have heard about it, My condition, and they don’t know what to say to me. What can you say? How do you comfort someone who’s gone through that? Someone who doesn’t want to be comforted. I’ve lost everything. Myself and most importantly. Victor. My favourite person in the entire world. He was fuelled by a flame so bright it seemed it could never be extinguished but suddenly he was gone. Without a trace.

Sometimes I get these foolish thoughts. It’s like he never even existed. His body was never retrieved, he had no family. His stuff sits in boxes in his old room. I can’t move it because I’m terrified I’ll forget him even though I’m certain that’s not possible. My life revolved around Victor. I could never forget him but that means never forgetting I lost him. The only light in my life, the only thing keeping me afloat in this torture chamber. This treacherous world swallowed him whole and now my Victor is gone.
The sounds haunt me still. I can still hear the shells. The explosions. The machine guns raining down on me. I try to drown them out with my screams. I feel guilty trying to forget. I’m lucky I’m alive yet I still can’t decide. Is it a blessing or a curse? I can hardly bear being without Victor. I want the void to come back and if it won’t then I’ll make it. A life without Victor isn’t a life at all.

Once again I stare into his emerald-green eyes. My lips, painting a smile. I’d rather be dead than losing my mind. Seeing him fall to the ground over and over again. Forever chasing those moments, that smile. Maybe I should claw out my eyes so I never have to see these visions again but they’re in my mind. They’re invading my thoughts. What malicious God designed my destiny's blueprint, a hollow man leaving nothing behind. No legacy, no meaning. Made only to be forgotten. The blinding lights that surround me slowly fade as they too are swallowed by the void and once again I’m listening to silence looking into nothing and missing the warm sensation of his touch, his embrace and the sight of his smile. I’m coming to join you, my love…
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