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my time of darkness
#WritcoRapidPrompt1
When I was in eighth through ninth grade I was surrounded by darkness. even when I smiled and laughed, always looked happy and carefree. i was in the dark, the light that was once there gone. i always questioned why I was alive, always wondered what reason could there be that has me here. I didn't belong, I didn't fit in, so why. by ninth grade I started to contemplate if I should be alive if I was just a waste of space to be filled by someone who belonged. every day when I walked home I just kept thinking and thinking. getting stuck so far into my thoughts that I didn't know when my thoughts turned dark. sometimes my thoughts fueled the darkness that was around me to the point where I thought about dying. I thought that I didn't have a purpose to be alive. I sucked at school, I sucked at making friends, i wasn't social enough, I wasn't helpful, I was in trouble, everything was my fault. I just figured no one would miss me. I could just disappear and no one would bat an eye would even notice me gone. I felt invisible anyway, my brother was so good at everything. he could do this, he did that, oh look at this. what was the point of me being there? so I started wondering how to disappear how to just be gone and that leads to what's a good way to kill yourself how can I do this. constantly in my head, walking down a busy road I would think you can just jump in front of this car and you'll be gone, when I'm on a balcony you can just jump and be done. everywhere I went everything I did I was thinking of a way to kill myself. there was no one I could talk to, no one who cared enough to even listen. i didn't feel like I could talk to anyone like I was on my own. I had so much bottled up emotions inside and I just couldn't handle it anymore. it got too much and i was ready to end it. i wrote a note, well letter about me finally going end it and be done. but then a friend showed it to a counselor and someone finally listened someone finally cared enough to hear me. it changed me, well I won't say that I'm totally fine. that's wishful thinking, I'm like a ticking time bomb. the littlest think will set me off and ill just break down, but i have a way to get out now, not all but some. there are still so many things that i hide locked away that I want to get out but can't and even though my emotions are still a little pent up and bottled because three is too many to get out at once. I'm not as bad as I was then.
© orchi1987
When I was in eighth through ninth grade I was surrounded by darkness. even when I smiled and laughed, always looked happy and carefree. i was in the dark, the light that was once there gone. i always questioned why I was alive, always wondered what reason could there be that has me here. I didn't belong, I didn't fit in, so why. by ninth grade I started to contemplate if I should be alive if I was just a waste of space to be filled by someone who belonged. every day when I walked home I just kept thinking and thinking. getting stuck so far into my thoughts that I didn't know when my thoughts turned dark. sometimes my thoughts fueled the darkness that was around me to the point where I thought about dying. I thought that I didn't have a purpose to be alive. I sucked at school, I sucked at making friends, i wasn't social enough, I wasn't helpful, I was in trouble, everything was my fault. I just figured no one would miss me. I could just disappear and no one would bat an eye would even notice me gone. I felt invisible anyway, my brother was so good at everything. he could do this, he did that, oh look at this. what was the point of me being there? so I started wondering how to disappear how to just be gone and that leads to what's a good way to kill yourself how can I do this. constantly in my head, walking down a busy road I would think you can just jump in front of this car and you'll be gone, when I'm on a balcony you can just jump and be done. everywhere I went everything I did I was thinking of a way to kill myself. there was no one I could talk to, no one who cared enough to even listen. i didn't feel like I could talk to anyone like I was on my own. I had so much bottled up emotions inside and I just couldn't handle it anymore. it got too much and i was ready to end it. i wrote a note, well letter about me finally going end it and be done. but then a friend showed it to a counselor and someone finally listened someone finally cared enough to hear me. it changed me, well I won't say that I'm totally fine. that's wishful thinking, I'm like a ticking time bomb. the littlest think will set me off and ill just break down, but i have a way to get out now, not all but some. there are still so many things that i hide locked away that I want to get out but can't and even though my emotions are still a little pent up and bottled because three is too many to get out at once. I'm not as bad as I was then.
© orchi1987
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