I know no one cares to read, so just skip me. I grew up way too fast, I never had a chance to be a kid. My innocence has been taken away from me, by a father that God has given to me. I will never know how a father is like, but I guess that is okay. I'm pretty strong without one, even though I feel empty. I feel sad seeing children with there fathers that it makes me want to cry, but at the same time I'm happy that they have fathers who loves and protect them from harm. I'm glad that I know how a mother is like, because I have a best mother that God has given me. She gave me love, happiness and tried her best to protect me. She didn't know what was going on and why I acted the way that I did when I was small. I told her everything when I was 27 and she wished that she had knew that and understood my behavior. They split up when I was 2, because my father was abusing her, but in a different way then me. From being molested, raped and abused in different ways from guys, it really destroyed me. I feel like I'm alone with everything that I been put through in my life, that no one understands how everything has affected me. It hurts that I can't find help that would help me to heal and let go from the pain that haunts me every day. I know I won't be completely healed, but healed enough that I won't be stuck in my head and can enjoy my life instead of having to keep looking over my shoulder and keeping my guard up to protect myself. I have a lot of questions that I want to ask God, because he has all the answers to my questions. At the time I didn't know how to handle all the bull shit from my father molesting me and some of my cousin's and uncle's that did the same thing. Then rape from a family friend. Having one of your oldest brother's treating me like shit and go to school to get treated like shit as well. It's really hard to make friends when I was afraid to talk, afraid to do anything, because I felt like everyone is going to make fun of me. I started self-harm when I was 12 and this girl in school saw my arm and told me that is bad, so I stop. That one weekend from school, my mean brother called me names. I was going to kill myself that day when I was home alone, I was only 14 or 15 I believe. I was thinking about everything that I been put through in my life, what my father did, my cousin's and uncle's did to me, the kids in school and then have to go home to still get treated like shit by one of my brother's. But I got stopped by doing it when I was about to. God stopped me by giving me two visions. The first one was God showing me dead with the knife in my heart, with my mother crying over me, oldest brother beside her trying to comfort her and trying to keep tears inside as my other brother standing behind them with no tears, just look of guilt. Seeing my mother crying, that come me down some. Then the second one God showed me that I would have two boy's. That come me down more and made me think more about what I was going to do to myself. When I was 21, I still didn't know how to get all the pain that is inside of me out so I started self-harm again and I wasn't in a good relationship at the time and didn't help me much. I didn't think about writing until I was 26, but got more into writing when I was 29 and still writing some of my pain out here and there. I'm trying to stay away from self-harm, even though I rather feel that kind of pain then what I always get shoved in my face and heart.
© Charlotte B.