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Too Far Too Close Part 1 what you see vs what you get.
(Note: Quite a few grammar issues in this one hopefully it doesn't detract too much)
Seren looked in the mirror and then back down at her phone. She could not believe that Mr. and Mrs. Uyehara were dead, Seren looked at her phone and thought about calling that person, but she was not even 100% sure the person she was thinking of would still have that number. She could not believe this was happening. Those two were such amazing people, and now this had to happen. She knew most kids thought their parents were immortal, but that was always more of the stance she took with them than her actual parents. She always knew her parents were not infallible. But looking at the post that had somehow found its way into her feed, she could no longer deny the proof. Her mom called her down to breakfast. She sucked in a deep sigh, terrible as the news was, she had a bigger nightmare coming. She could feel it.
When did things get so complicated? The world she once knew had come crashing down on her all at once before this so, Why did it feel like it was happening all over again? She just needed an answer just this once, why did this always happen. She thought back to her first friend how things might have worked had they remained friends, had she not been forced to cut contact by her parents or been forcibly moved away from the first place she truly felt understood or, or, or. She started thinking about her first friend and their first meeting…
As a young woman lamented these losses, so too did a young man about 30 hours away from where she was, the graveyard place of a tragedy that had taken all but him, so the situation seemed. Ryota was sobbing on the ground in a suit that his mom had pre-made for weddings, dances, and the like. He always laughed at the thought because those events held the most discomfort he thought he would ever experience. He regretted thinking that now more than ever. In his head, he heard his mom’s voice gentle and soothing and his father’s steady hand. Both of them telling him that he would be okay, that they would do everything in their power to make it so.
But what did that mean now? Ryota wondered why they had left him with the one person who understood the least about him. His uncle probably did not want to understand him for who he actually was in the least. They hated each other before everything. Why would anything that happened in recent times change anything? As he pondered that, he started to get scared, but he knew that when he was scared to take advice from the other scariest moment, one that turned out not to be scary at all….
************************************************************************
As he looked in the mirror, he thought it was all over. His perfect life is gone, his mom’s perfect ideal gone, his father’s precious little princess who supposedly should have grown to a queen gone, and everything he soon knew could be gone as well, a situation that could change everything, this would change everything, he hoped for the better. But he feared the worst because he knew how some people's parents reacted just for them being gay, and he couldn’t imagine the potential backlash here. Readying himself, he asked the first question of a few he had that would change his life forever. “Mom, can we talk?”
His mother's expression shifted then and there, she frowned
“Is it the dress? I wish it was different, but you wanted to go that dance, and your school has those stupid outdated rules for girls vs. boys in the dress code for events like this.”
“I wish you could wear a suit, but the school board is greedy, and hopefully, it’ll still be okay.”
This might be easier than he initially thought. He let out a small sigh.
“Mom, I’m transgender”. Mrs.Uyehara looked away for a second as if pondering what her child had said, then nodded. “That’s okay too, sweetheart.” After another pause, she asked, “Do you have a new name you prefer to be called now, as opposed to..”
He smiled the widest he had in a long while, “I was hoping you could help me with that, I was thinking maybe Ryota, but ultimately while I'm not sure, I’d prefer to use a name reflective of my heritage, but otherwise…” Ryota’s mom smiled, even wider than even he had, somehow. This worked out so much better than Ryota thought it would. They talked until he had to change to go and do his shift at the store he worked at. As he left, he felt like a weight had been lifted off his back that had nearly crushed him.
******************************************************************
The young woman paced around the room carefully. How was she even supposed to say this? Seren had practiced it a thousand times in her head, even picking a name reflective of a Welsh name, which she knew her father would want everything considered.. Hell she even picked a unisex name to make it easier. So what’s one more difference, she thought hopefully to herself. New place, new me. Okay, this was it, Seren needed to do it. Or else, she’d lose her nerves. She looked at herself in the mirror one last time before everything changed, hopefully for the better. Then she headed downstairs.
She looked at her parents for what felt like the first time, but as she talked, and they talked, she really saw them. After the conversation, she started to feel numb, her mother looked at her and said, “Are you alright, my dear boy." Then her father looked with a sterner expression “Don’t feel too bad son, in the future, these ridiculous fantasies will fade, and you’ll be somebody’s wonderful husband, somebody’s amazing father, and forget you ever ‘felt” like a..” She wouldn’t ever repeat the words her father said next. She just nodded numbly. Seren then acted like she had forgotten something in her room. If she hadn’t felt this way for so long, she would have agreed instead, feeling that crying would only attract her parents to her room to say other such things, she just lay in her bed numbly and wondered if there was a way to fix the hole already growing in her heart.
***********************************************************************
Ryota looked at the burned patch of skin on his body and wanted to scream in pain as his uncle reached to pull Ryota up by the scruff of his neck not hard he wasn’t that tall but.. “Listen here little miss, “I wanna be a boy.”” he mocked him “I don’t know what those idiotic liberal teachers out in that godforsaken state or my crazy ass lib-tard sister told you, but in this house, men dress like men and women like women, you got me” “I am a man, and I’ll dam well dress like one you prehistoric dinosaur” Ryota gritted out almost splittingly. He realized too late that was the wrong move as his uncle slapped in across the face and then, throwing him down, started back with his bigotry, “Here’s what I know, I bought the girls uniform for you because that’s what you are you ungrateful piece of crap so your wear it without complaint, or this will be the least of your problems” he pointed to the burn on Ryota’s arm. Ryota sighed and relented there was only so much he could take in one day, and nothing seemed to get through this dunderhead of an uncle’s skull. Ryota probably didn’t have much of a choice. He knew surely that this school year was already hell, and it was about to get worse.
He didn’t know how wrong he was.
…………………………………………………………………………………….
A hole in the heart might be better than a patch on the skin, but is either really all that great? Hurting is not an Olympic sport, and while one situation might be “better” or “worse” than the other, it’s important to note that it doesn’t mean both aren’t bad situations to be in altogether. Seren tried to remind herself of that as she looked at what appeared to be the perfect lives of her trans friends online and thought they probably didn’t have to deal with this and then, wondered do I really have it the worst, but then discarded with the first sentences which she repeated ad-nausea. “Just because I’m not hurting as bad doesn’t mean I’m not still hurting because suffering is not a competition, Seren, not a competition.” she breathed, did her four squares exercise, and calmed down a little. She gathered courage, closed her locker, and headed to her first class.
************************************************************************
Ryota winced as he heard the teacher use his dead name. This was not ideal. Already, everyone was staring at him. But the shock he felt when he heard the next words out of the teacher's mouth shook him to his core. “You’re behind Mr. Pembroke, Miss U-ye-hara” She struggled with his last name which bugged him. She also said miss which annoyed him. However what really interested him was the other person’s last name. There’s no way, right? He thought to himself. That person wouldn’t be here. He shook it off, probably just someone with the same last name.
A random girl spoke up as he went to sit around behind “Mr.” Pembroke said. “Isn’t Seren a miss.” Then, Seren, at least he supposed that's who she was, gave her a glare as if to say they had talked about this. Ryota knew all too well how cruel others can be so he understood where she was coming from with the look, especially as someone who had been closeted for a longer time than he liked to admit. Surely enough some ass hole in the back coughed trannie loud enough for everyone to hear, and the room erupted in giggles. He made a note of that in his mind though, because finally he wasn’t alone. He then wrote a physical note and slipped it into her bag as discreetly as possible. The note read as follows: I think we might have something in common, what’s your lunch period? Mine’s 5th! :) -Ryota
He tapped his fingers on the desk, a nervous habit. This was because a lot of things could go wrong. Maybe she would think it was a trick, or maybe he was wrong about her, or maybe think he was weird and just not show, but maybe just maybe she’d show up and he could find solace in someone like him however short-lived. Then thankfully she discretely slipped a note back agreeing to meet with him and giving her basic lunch room coordinates. Under that, she wrote: You have no idea how much I needed this- Seren :)
************************************************************************
So it was for the first time in years, though Ryota thought the first time ever, sat down for lunch. Seren beamed excitedly “So Ryota how have you been,” to which he looked at her confused. Then she exclaimed “Devil horns, it’s me angel wings don’t tell me you don’t remember your chaotic counterpart” Then it clicked. And then he realized he had been right when he heard her last name. This was the person, he’d been friends with for years before she disappeared without a trace. In fact, they were best friends before everything changed. They had changed. Ryota smiled a smile he hadn’t smiled since he was a kid. A chaos lover’s grin.
Seren immediately understood and gave one back.
Then Ryota sighed and said “Just don’t mention the horns thing to anyone else. It’s hard enough being the new kid and all.”
So they talked about everything big and small revelations and calculations, and how they got here, and for a moment both felt secure, safe, and most importantly a sense of happiness and belonging with a friend that truly understood them. And for that moment, well, both Seren and Ryota figured that was enough.
Seren looked in the mirror and then back down at her phone. She could not believe that Mr. and Mrs. Uyehara were dead, Seren looked at her phone and thought about calling that person, but she was not even 100% sure the person she was thinking of would still have that number. She could not believe this was happening. Those two were such amazing people, and now this had to happen. She knew most kids thought their parents were immortal, but that was always more of the stance she took with them than her actual parents. She always knew her parents were not infallible. But looking at the post that had somehow found its way into her feed, she could no longer deny the proof. Her mom called her down to breakfast. She sucked in a deep sigh, terrible as the news was, she had a bigger nightmare coming. She could feel it.
When did things get so complicated? The world she once knew had come crashing down on her all at once before this so, Why did it feel like it was happening all over again? She just needed an answer just this once, why did this always happen. She thought back to her first friend how things might have worked had they remained friends, had she not been forced to cut contact by her parents or been forcibly moved away from the first place she truly felt understood or, or, or. She started thinking about her first friend and their first meeting…
As a young woman lamented these losses, so too did a young man about 30 hours away from where she was, the graveyard place of a tragedy that had taken all but him, so the situation seemed. Ryota was sobbing on the ground in a suit that his mom had pre-made for weddings, dances, and the like. He always laughed at the thought because those events held the most discomfort he thought he would ever experience. He regretted thinking that now more than ever. In his head, he heard his mom’s voice gentle and soothing and his father’s steady hand. Both of them telling him that he would be okay, that they would do everything in their power to make it so.
But what did that mean now? Ryota wondered why they had left him with the one person who understood the least about him. His uncle probably did not want to understand him for who he actually was in the least. They hated each other before everything. Why would anything that happened in recent times change anything? As he pondered that, he started to get scared, but he knew that when he was scared to take advice from the other scariest moment, one that turned out not to be scary at all….
************************************************************************
As he looked in the mirror, he thought it was all over. His perfect life is gone, his mom’s perfect ideal gone, his father’s precious little princess who supposedly should have grown to a queen gone, and everything he soon knew could be gone as well, a situation that could change everything, this would change everything, he hoped for the better. But he feared the worst because he knew how some people's parents reacted just for them being gay, and he couldn’t imagine the potential backlash here. Readying himself, he asked the first question of a few he had that would change his life forever. “Mom, can we talk?”
His mother's expression shifted then and there, she frowned
“Is it the dress? I wish it was different, but you wanted to go that dance, and your school has those stupid outdated rules for girls vs. boys in the dress code for events like this.”
“I wish you could wear a suit, but the school board is greedy, and hopefully, it’ll still be okay.”
This might be easier than he initially thought. He let out a small sigh.
“Mom, I’m transgender”. Mrs.Uyehara looked away for a second as if pondering what her child had said, then nodded. “That’s okay too, sweetheart.” After another pause, she asked, “Do you have a new name you prefer to be called now, as opposed to..”
He smiled the widest he had in a long while, “I was hoping you could help me with that, I was thinking maybe Ryota, but ultimately while I'm not sure, I’d prefer to use a name reflective of my heritage, but otherwise…” Ryota’s mom smiled, even wider than even he had, somehow. This worked out so much better than Ryota thought it would. They talked until he had to change to go and do his shift at the store he worked at. As he left, he felt like a weight had been lifted off his back that had nearly crushed him.
******************************************************************
The young woman paced around the room carefully. How was she even supposed to say this? Seren had practiced it a thousand times in her head, even picking a name reflective of a Welsh name, which she knew her father would want everything considered.. Hell she even picked a unisex name to make it easier. So what’s one more difference, she thought hopefully to herself. New place, new me. Okay, this was it, Seren needed to do it. Or else, she’d lose her nerves. She looked at herself in the mirror one last time before everything changed, hopefully for the better. Then she headed downstairs.
She looked at her parents for what felt like the first time, but as she talked, and they talked, she really saw them. After the conversation, she started to feel numb, her mother looked at her and said, “Are you alright, my dear boy." Then her father looked with a sterner expression “Don’t feel too bad son, in the future, these ridiculous fantasies will fade, and you’ll be somebody’s wonderful husband, somebody’s amazing father, and forget you ever ‘felt” like a..” She wouldn’t ever repeat the words her father said next. She just nodded numbly. Seren then acted like she had forgotten something in her room. If she hadn’t felt this way for so long, she would have agreed instead, feeling that crying would only attract her parents to her room to say other such things, she just lay in her bed numbly and wondered if there was a way to fix the hole already growing in her heart.
***********************************************************************
Ryota looked at the burned patch of skin on his body and wanted to scream in pain as his uncle reached to pull Ryota up by the scruff of his neck not hard he wasn’t that tall but.. “Listen here little miss, “I wanna be a boy.”” he mocked him “I don’t know what those idiotic liberal teachers out in that godforsaken state or my crazy ass lib-tard sister told you, but in this house, men dress like men and women like women, you got me” “I am a man, and I’ll dam well dress like one you prehistoric dinosaur” Ryota gritted out almost splittingly. He realized too late that was the wrong move as his uncle slapped in across the face and then, throwing him down, started back with his bigotry, “Here’s what I know, I bought the girls uniform for you because that’s what you are you ungrateful piece of crap so your wear it without complaint, or this will be the least of your problems” he pointed to the burn on Ryota’s arm. Ryota sighed and relented there was only so much he could take in one day, and nothing seemed to get through this dunderhead of an uncle’s skull. Ryota probably didn’t have much of a choice. He knew surely that this school year was already hell, and it was about to get worse.
He didn’t know how wrong he was.
…………………………………………………………………………………….
A hole in the heart might be better than a patch on the skin, but is either really all that great? Hurting is not an Olympic sport, and while one situation might be “better” or “worse” than the other, it’s important to note that it doesn’t mean both aren’t bad situations to be in altogether. Seren tried to remind herself of that as she looked at what appeared to be the perfect lives of her trans friends online and thought they probably didn’t have to deal with this and then, wondered do I really have it the worst, but then discarded with the first sentences which she repeated ad-nausea. “Just because I’m not hurting as bad doesn’t mean I’m not still hurting because suffering is not a competition, Seren, not a competition.” she breathed, did her four squares exercise, and calmed down a little. She gathered courage, closed her locker, and headed to her first class.
************************************************************************
Ryota winced as he heard the teacher use his dead name. This was not ideal. Already, everyone was staring at him. But the shock he felt when he heard the next words out of the teacher's mouth shook him to his core. “You’re behind Mr. Pembroke, Miss U-ye-hara” She struggled with his last name which bugged him. She also said miss which annoyed him. However what really interested him was the other person’s last name. There’s no way, right? He thought to himself. That person wouldn’t be here. He shook it off, probably just someone with the same last name.
A random girl spoke up as he went to sit around behind “Mr.” Pembroke said. “Isn’t Seren a miss.” Then, Seren, at least he supposed that's who she was, gave her a glare as if to say they had talked about this. Ryota knew all too well how cruel others can be so he understood where she was coming from with the look, especially as someone who had been closeted for a longer time than he liked to admit. Surely enough some ass hole in the back coughed trannie loud enough for everyone to hear, and the room erupted in giggles. He made a note of that in his mind though, because finally he wasn’t alone. He then wrote a physical note and slipped it into her bag as discreetly as possible. The note read as follows: I think we might have something in common, what’s your lunch period? Mine’s 5th! :) -Ryota
He tapped his fingers on the desk, a nervous habit. This was because a lot of things could go wrong. Maybe she would think it was a trick, or maybe he was wrong about her, or maybe think he was weird and just not show, but maybe just maybe she’d show up and he could find solace in someone like him however short-lived. Then thankfully she discretely slipped a note back agreeing to meet with him and giving her basic lunch room coordinates. Under that, she wrote: You have no idea how much I needed this- Seren :)
************************************************************************
So it was for the first time in years, though Ryota thought the first time ever, sat down for lunch. Seren beamed excitedly “So Ryota how have you been,” to which he looked at her confused. Then she exclaimed “Devil horns, it’s me angel wings don’t tell me you don’t remember your chaotic counterpart” Then it clicked. And then he realized he had been right when he heard her last name. This was the person, he’d been friends with for years before she disappeared without a trace. In fact, they were best friends before everything changed. They had changed. Ryota smiled a smile he hadn’t smiled since he was a kid. A chaos lover’s grin.
Seren immediately understood and gave one back.
Then Ryota sighed and said “Just don’t mention the horns thing to anyone else. It’s hard enough being the new kid and all.”
So they talked about everything big and small revelations and calculations, and how they got here, and for a moment both felt secure, safe, and most importantly a sense of happiness and belonging with a friend that truly understood them. And for that moment, well, both Seren and Ryota figured that was enough.
