INT. A LIBRARY - AFTERNOON

Virtuous private detective DI BRITTS HUMBLE is arguing with grateful doctor MR DARYLL WISHMONGER. FRED tries to hug DARYLL but he shakes him off.

BRITTS
Please Daryll, don't leave me.

DARYLL
I'm sorry Britts, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
BRITTS
I am such a person!
DARYLL frowns.

DARYLL
I'm sorry, Britts. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
DARYLL leaves.

Britts sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, grateful scout DR ELIZA GREENWAY barges in looking flustered.

BRITTS
Goodness, Eliza! Is everything okay?
ELIZA
I'm afraid not.
BRITTS
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
ELIZA
It's ... a vampire ... I saw an evil vampire terrify a bunch of baby birds!
BRITTS
Defenseless baby birds?
ELIZA
Yes, defenseless baby birds!
BRITTS
Bloomin' heck, Eliza! We've got to do something.
ELIZA
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
BRITTS
You can start by telling me where this happened.
ELIZA
I was...
ELIZA fans herself and begins to wheeze.

BRITTS
Focus Eliza, focus! Where did it happen?
ELIZA
A Sweet Shop! That's right - A Sweet Shop!
BRITTS springs up and begins to run.


EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

BRITTS rushes along the street, followed by ELIZA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.


INT. A SWEET SHOP - SHORTLY AFTER

MIKERO ROCKA a sinister vampire terrorises two baby birds.

BRITTS , closely followed by ELIZA, rushes towards MIKERO, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

ELIZA
What is is? What's the matter?
BRITTS
That's not just any old vampire, that's Mikero Rocka!
ELIZA
Who's Mikero Rocka?
BRITTS
Who's Mikero Rocka? Who's Mikero Rocka? Only the most sinister vampire in the universe!
ELIZA
Blinkin' knickers, Britts! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most sinister vampire in the universe!
BRITTS
You can say that again.
ELIZA
Blinkin' knickers, Britts ! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most sinister vampire in the universe!
BRITTS
I'm going to need arrows, lots of arrows.
Mikero turns and sees Britts and Eliza. He grins an evil grin.

MIKERO
Fred Humble, we meet again.
ELIZA
You've met?
BRITTS
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young BRITTS is sitting in a park listening to some trance music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees MIKERO. He takes off his headphones.

MIKERO
Would you like some jelly babies?
Britts eyes light up, but then he studies MIKERO more closely, and looks uneasy.

BRITTS
I don't know, you look kind of sinister.
MIKERO
Me? No. I'm not sinister. I'm the least sinister vampire in the world.
BRITTS
Wait, you're a vampire?
BRITTS runs away, screaming.


INT. A SWEET SHOP - PRESENT DAY

MIKERO
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
ELIZA
(To BRITTS ) You ran away?
BRITTS
(To ELIZA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
BRITTS turns to MIKERO.

BRITTS
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
BRITTS runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

BRITTS
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with arrows.
MIKERO
I'm not scared of you.
BRITTS
You should be.

EXT. A GREASY DINER - LATER THAT DAY

BRITTS and ELIZA walk around searching for something.

BRITTS
I feel sure I left my arrows somewhere around here.
ELIZA
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly arrows.
BRITTS
You know nothing Eliza Greenway.
ELIZA
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, MIKERO appears, holding a pair of arrows.

MIKERO
Looking for something?
ELIZA
Crikey, BRITTS , he's got your arrows.
BRITTS
Tell me something I don't already know!
ELIZA
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
BRITTS
I know that already!
ELIZA
I still wear nappies.
MIKERO
(appalled) Dude!
While MIKERO is looking at ELIZA with disgust, BRITTS lunges forward and grabs his deadly arrows. He wields them, triumphantly.

BRITTS
Prepare to die, you sinister turnip!
MIKERO
No please! All I did was terrify a bunch of baby birds!
DARYLL enters, unseen by any of the others.

BRITTS
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those baby birds were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Fred Humble defender of innocent baby birds.
MIKERO
Don't hurt me! Please!
BRITTS
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these arrows on you right away!
MIKERO
Because Britts, I am your father.
BRITTS looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

BRITTS
No you're not!
MIKERO
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
MIKERO tries to grab the arrows but BRITTS dodges out of the way.

BRITTS
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, MIKERO slumps to the ground.

ELIZA
Did he just faint?
BRITTS
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly arrows.
BRITTS crouches over MIKERO's body.

ELIZA
Be careful, Fred. It could be a trick.
BRITTS
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Mikero Rocka is dead!
BRITTS
What?
BRITTS
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
ELIZA claps her hands.

ELIZA
So your arrows did save the day, after all.
DARYLL steps forward.

DARYLL
Is it true? Did you kill the sinister vampire?
BRITTS
Daryll how long have you been...?
DARYLL puts his arm around BRITTS.

DARYLL
Long enough.
BRITTS
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Mikero Rocka.
DARYLL
Then the baby birds are safe?
BRITTS
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable baby birds enter, looking relived.

DARYLL
You are their hero.
The baby birds bow to BRITTS.

BRITTS
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Mikero Rocka will never terrify baby birds ever again, is enough for me.
DARYLL
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the baby birds passes BRITTS a shiny necklace

DARYLL
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
BRITTS
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

BRITTS
Well, if you insist.
BRITTS takes the necklace.

BRITTS
Thank you.
The baby birds bow their heads once more, and leave.

BRITTS turns to DARYLL.

BRITTS
Does this mean you want me back?
DARYLL
Oh, Britts, of course I want you back!
BRITTS smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

BRITTS
Well you can't have me.
DARYLL
WHAT?
BRITTS
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a vampire to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
DARYLL
But...
BRITTS
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Eliza.
ELIZA grins.

DARYLL
But...
ELIZA
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
DARYLL
Britts?
BRITTS
I'm sorry Daryll, but I think you should skidaddle.
DARYLL leaves.

ELIZA turns to BRITTS

ELIZA
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
BRITTS
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly ELIZA stops.

ELIZA
When I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the vampire don't you?

THE END


#screenplay #story #vampirestory

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