I started training in boxing since I was eight years old. It was my speech therapist who suggested that I practice martial arts to gain self esteem and confidence. At the time, I battled mutism, speech delays, stuttering issues, reading comprehension issues and other issues as a child. I trained in boxing for three to four years and let me say that boxing gave me permission to be free. At the time, I was abused by my sperm donor and yet I told the adults in my life what he did. NO ONE did anything to protect me and it's because of those experiences that I have severe trust issues. I told teachers, principals, ministers and so many people and yet no one did a thing. The man would beat me to where I had marks and bruises on me and yet what's sick is that no one did a thing to protect me. I learned footwork, head movements, defense and offense drills, bobbing and weaving techniques and yet I felt that boxing gave me the chance to just be me. I've sparred with the best and let me say that I'm NOT afraid to relearn boxing again. My first ex girlfriend was also abusive to the point where I had issues with people touching me with affection. She was trained in kickboxing. The moment I stopped boxing was the moment that changed my life forever. I ended up being severely depressed to where I would be suicidal. When I seventeen years, I started drinking with some older friends of mine and little did I know that I would end up battling addiction on and off for years. Let me say that I'm clean and sober today and it'll be three years in August since I've been clean. I'm currently am trying to get back into martial arts so I can relearn how tk protect myself and also, I miss the family unit. Martial arts for me is all about self empowerment and to have different people training with someone and being that source of family both in and out of training is a beautiful thing. I miss the family structure and the friendships and bonds I've made during my time in boxing and judo. I watch a lot of YouTube videos on boxing so I can relearn and regain some muscle memory, but my whole purpose in coming back to martial arts is to finally protect myself again and to also heal from the traumas I've faced since I was a child. My childhood best friend was trained in Kickboxing, MMA, Muay Thai, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and yet he helped me when I was depressed and alone in the world. The truth is that I want to get back into martial arts because I want to finally have closure and just be free. A part of me is scared to relearn since it's been twenty years since I last trained, but my ego allows me to be realistic and admit that I'm not afraid to relearn from scratch. ABUSE IS NOT LOVE and I think it's time we stop trauma and depression and find a way to empower men and women and give them the tools they need to protect themselves. It was right after my college days that I realized that I NEED to protect myself and that I need to relearn from scratch. A lot of anger and rage I've had towards my sperm donor for many years and let me say that the hate that I have for him hasn't gone away. He caused me years and years of heartache and pain and I'm not afraid to admit that martial arts allowed me to be me. My mission is to once and for all end depression! So many people are taking their lives each and everyday and we need to make sure that people are safe.




© Josiah Bhola Hillaire