This past few days
I tried exuding some form of positivity
And as you can guess, I'm struggling in it.

I have noticed recently that I'm too
enshrouded with the mists of depression.
It's so bad that those that comes close
are getting overwhelmed.

So, for some change.
I wanted to be lively for once.
I sit up in my bed, all excited and giddy.
Tried coming up for reasons to be
hopeful for another day.

But as time passes by.
As if the great monster of misery
Got a gist of my plan,
tried submerging me
in the hellish process of overthinking.

Hence, as you can see.
Me, planning to be optimistic
for a better future.
Ended up with me
wishing to be dead
before it could come over.


However, I don't want to
give up just like that.
So I tell myself

"Hey, why not try living in the present?"

That too, failed miserably.
Because, currently, I don't
have anything to live for.

All I have in me is a mountain
of maybe's, what if's and regrets.
Thousands of skeletons on my closets;
Along with the clothings of grief
that comes with a variety of darkness,
that is differs by their level of intensity.
My jewelry's in the form of my insecurities.
A set of gems I badly want to show off,
but thinking of the vultures waiting outside of my room, ended up with me pushing it at the very corner.

"How about appreciating the beauty
of nature instead?"

Momentarily beaming up
with my 'brilliant' plan.
I hurriedly trudge to the rooftop.
Still afraid of what lies beyond
the door of my 'Home'.

But as I arrived to my destination.
There's no majestic nature to be seen.
The air is already polluted to the point,
you know it's not the same with just a sniff.

The trees I once have a joy climbing up to,
are long gone; Replaced by establishments that houses poverty.

The river where I spent most of my childhood with my friends.
Are already in the hue of vomit.
Signifying it's sickness caused by wastes illegally thrown in it.

The sun no longer emit the warm feeling.
Instead, it punished those who dares come out of the shade.
It no longer offers the feel of loving embrace.
Rather, they suffocate those within reach.

"Hold on! Hold on! How about..
Family! That's right!"

With quick footsteps,
I descended from the stairs.
Only for my smile to be quickly wiped out from my face.
Before even reaching the last step
I am met with frustrated glares.
Scowls on their faces,
I knew what's coming next.
Another fiesta feast of yelling.

'Right, they are the root of my problems.'
I silently grimaced and accept my fate.

After the long hours of taking
their anger out on me.
I grudgingly walked to my room.
Not daring to make anymore noise.

"Damn it.."
Frustrated with the fact that
all my plans met with a dead end.
"What the fck are you crying for dimwit?!"
Aggressively wiping the tears that seems to mocked me.

As I spent a few minutes in my room,
Bare with no light, surrounded by the mess I created in the form of scattered clothes and empty water bottles.

I am again reminded of how
pitiful I really am.

'I can't call my friends, they have their own problems. I don't wanna be an addition to their burdens!' Lecturing myself.

As the glue of the group, it is hard.
The person that they all lean to
when they need a rock.
I need to act tough in order for them to feel it's okay to rely on me sometimes.

Being a child who doesn't hail from any distinguished household, can be exhausting.
All the expectations and hope from your parents to get your family name in greater heights, it's.. it's so tiring.

As my mind take me deeper to the all familiar corner of silent agony.

I have been woken up by a nudge to my side.
Isabelle, my foster cat, stares at me with those eyes I adore so much.

As if not content with the reaction she got. She climber her way up to my arms and purr, a sound that vibrates throughout my chest and manages to pierce through my flesh and made me feel.. warm.

'Ah- you saved me again buddy.'

As if reading my mind, she mewls and curled up more to my arms.

I guess, my guardian angel is a cat.


© Bashful