Reminiscing back to the unbearable, initial months, I searched for what was wrong with me. As each seconds tagged along, each breath left me, I thought about my worth.

What am I living for?

Being so exhausted about my way of living, I grew more reluctant about holding on higher, not to crumble to a world of nothing. Sometimes, I would wake up in the middle of the night in a hurry to check whether I’m still breathing.

Never once, I asked the question, what was keeping me awake?

I kept making several excuses, several lies to just get away from everyone, not sure why. My overwhelming mind kept swirling with millions of thoughts, never halting for a while and that’s what drove me crazy. My mind talking to me was the evidence that minds talk louder than mouths. They speak the absolute truth no matter how much we hide.

Some would joke about me being mental. When I actually gave it a thought, I wondered if it is actually true. Burning anger through my veins, getting irritated at the thought of talking to someone, expressing myself to others, receiving endless physical and mental pain, I never got an inch of rest. At some phrases, the urge to scream loudly to the point where I lose my voice gets unbearable.
I have been stepped over and over and not once I did complain. The only thing I did was keeping my mouth shut and that made my mind speak out louder inside me.

My once healthy body kept shrinking, every breath I took kept getting difficult and painful. The anger got fiercer, taking over my whole body. Shame, guilt and several other emotions gripped me harder in a grasp that I can’t run away from.

The thought of consulting a therapist makes my body tingle with anger or sometimes with denial. Pouring out problems to a close one never works for me neither does writing down.

But today, I have learned something. The realization dawned on me upon the sight of my draining face in the mirror. I have realized, people stepped over me all the times because I let them without knowing. I gave the right of my life to their hands on a silver platter. I didn’t have the control of my emotions. I let them overwhelm in a way that would sink me down with their weights. I let people take advantage of me without being aware and the now the time has come to stop them, to start a new life where I will be the one controlling my actions, my words, my emotions.

My heart is an absolute denied place. It had been bruised and slashed over and over again without any mercy. I thought it was worth it if I had to protect and help the ones I love,
I guess it’s time to pick up the pieces of my broken heart myself and fix them as a whole. It’s the time to nurse my wounds and grow a new personality.
Looks like the people are in one hell of a time! Let the chase begin and this time, I will play to win.

© beautiful monkey