I have always thought I was a failure. It didn't matter how much good I did or have done. I still had all those lingering feelings of feeling worthless.

I grew up literally looking for validation from both my parents and step-parents. My parents never stayed together after my sister was born. Granted, my parents were young when they had me. No reason to help me feel unwanted and needed.

I have graduated high school, gone to college for a year and a half. It didn't matter. I always had a failure.

Maybe that's just growing up. We make mistakes, take different paths than we wanted for ourselves. I never thought I would be where I am.

I have gone through so many jobs. Only because I couldn't find one I wanted to be at forever. Maybe not forever, but not one for me to stay for.

Life gets harder for some. I know what I want and yet, I still struggle. Is it because I have no self discipline? Maybe so. Or maybe because I can't get around myself that I can actually make it somehow. Who knows. Life is all about challenges and experiences, right?

My life has no destination. That's what I go through every day. I have my failures and accomplishments. Where does it get me?

I drink, smoke, and take no for an answer. Especially, if I want that job or experience. I somehow don't feel enough.

Why?
© The Writings of Jeanne Carlson