I am feeling very uneasy today. I am feeling this from a very long time. Long time here refers to almost a decade. I have never felt like this before. This feeling is not good at all. I feel broken almost every moment of day. I share all my things to my mom but this feeling is so bad that I find it extremely difficult to share it with her too. I believe there is no one who can solve this doubt of mine. This is something very big. I am feeling too much pain. There is no one who has done anything to make me feel like this. This pain is occurring by itself. I can not tell this to anyone because no one talks about it. There is no book in world that describes it properly. Everyone is unsure about it. But it's impact is so painful that I can't ignore it at all. It is all because of her.
She....It is a she. She came to my life and left but I don't understand why I can't forget her.
She was looking at me and I was looking at her. Nothing happened but something happened for sure.
Something inside me keeps forcing me to keep thinking about her.
Any person I ask will tell me that it is love, lust or something like that. But I have been in all of them before too. Why this time I can't forget it ?
There is nothing happened between me and her and my brain knows exactly that she is not the person I ever want to be with but still my heart or some secret part of my mind does not forget her.
I told her many times that I can't forget her. She does not seems to be interested in me either. I don't want to be with her. She don't need me either, then why I can't forget her.
Everytime I see her with some other guy, I get filled with anger. I want to burn this whole world. I can't see her with someone else. I want her to spend time with me so that I can understand why this wierd feeling is killing me.
Her world is completely different from my world. There is no way we can ever be together happy. I know this and I accept this truth completely.
But still my mind is not ready to stop thinking about her. If anyone asks me to tell a list of things that I like about her, then there is not even a single thing that I can count that I like about her. She is beautiful but there are many girls way more beautiful than her then why only she ?
I just keep sitting on sofa and continuously think about her all the time...wasting all my time thinking about her thinking why I am bound to her.
This problem of not being able to forget her is so horrible for me that I have started believing that I can't live without her in my life. I have developed a belief in all these years that if I stop thinking about her I will no longer be able to do anything at all.
Isn't this scary ?
Me thinking that I can't even breath without her. And the irony about it is that none of us have seen each other in last four years. How can anyone think about someone so much ?
And even before that we rarely saw each other. She had many boyfriends and she is everything that I hate more than anything but still today I can't forget her.
Something that has weakened me more is my inability to watch her hurt and sad. And trust me she don't care about me at all. Even if I die it will not affect her.
Then why am I thinking about her so much. Am I a psychopath ?
No I tried that too. I consulted psychiatrist twice already to get this cleared. I took medicines and I could feel that I was improving. May be that is what I require now too. I am just a little depressed. Why don't I try taking such pills again ?
But I can't take pills all my life. I have to learn to stay happy of my own. I have to trust myself. I can do whole lot better. Doing better here does not refer to becoming rich and successful. There is a state of mind when it feels happy even if we are average. I have to reach that state of mind where I feel enormously happy irrespective of my success in both professional and personal life and maintain that happy state of mind continuously forever. I can do this always. Because there is no peak in this world where a human being is completely successful and not unhappy. Even the most poorest human being can survive happily and the most rich human being can fall in depression too. I know this because I have seen this multiple times. All you have to do is to prepare yourself for that. Be so aware and educated that you can handle every stress by yourself . This is all in my mind and if I try to drain this negative energy on some other human being then I will be in a very big problem because humans remember everything. Human is the only animal who has tremendous memory power and through this it takes revenge to satisfy its innerself. So every negative energy you give to other human may come to you in double amount. Beside this you can't expect any positive energy from other human being either because if you do so they will remember it and might try to take it in double amount from you.
Also you can't take negative energy from other human being because you too are a human. Even if you try to forget the negative incident that happened with you, you will not be able to forget it because you are a human being. Nature has bound you to remember everything and take revenge. If you don't do it consciously, your unconscious mind will make you do it. There is only one thing you can do. Generate enough positive energy everyday in your life that you can neutralise every negative energy thrown at you by some other human being. For that I have to practice everyday. Do things that I like doing. Find more and more activities that will make me happy. Indulging with other humans without any interest will result in unnecessary exchange of energies and if other human is not vibrating energy at your frequency, it will only result in unnecessary dissipation of energies and if that human is not wise enough then it will try to take back his or her energy in form of revenge so avoid indulging unnecessary with other humans. Do things that make you happy and strong. If you think that people might think Ill of you then trust me no one cares untill you don't try to share energy with them. They will not respond if you don't give them stimulation.
#love #relationship #heartbreak #emotional #inspiration #writer