It was raining heavenly outside. I felt the wind on my face slapping because I loved someone!
My mobile rang.
Hi... It's Alok.
" So..." I shuddered my mind to answer him drawing curtains of the window.
"Your cousin is getting married... You will be there, right? " he asked me.
"Yes. " I felt pity for his question.
"I want to see you.
Can we meet?"
I was a bit sleepy. I said...
"Ok, .will see".

The Buzz of the doorbell broke me from my sleep.
"What... I... " I was shaking up to open eyes... I saw my cousin standing near my bed....
"Get up Swa... "
"I got up... Hmm chechi..."
"Swa... See this boy loves you deeply... He can be accepted by all... So if you wish you can see me and mingle... Stay just as friends now if you too fall for him..."
Chechi... Yar... Stop... I said as I went to wash my face.

My head was spinning to connect her words and what to tell her.
"See I will be married soon... In a few years, anyhow you have to settle... Your Dad will allow we will support you...So... Alok approached me... As he said he likes you...Why can't you give it a try? "
I felt to tell her everything... But was quiet. As a matter of trust where I always get fail.

I met Alok. I spoke little as he kept on saying ...God knows what all...as my mind wasn't listening to his single word.
I missed Sagen. My mind only knows him. I wake up with Alok msg but I don't respond. And curse Sagen... "This is how you do with me, Sagen! "
Alok proposed to me. I was blank. I don't dare to say no as I don't want him to be hurt and my cousin to question me about the reason for my... no!
Those were the days when fear ruled over the mind than saying the truth!
Alok took my silence as yes as I was wondering in my thoughts.
He calls me and asks me about food, weather, and study. He texts me gn gm, etc not about love... Not about sex, not even an I love u...
So I never felt to tell him about Sagen! Out of fear also that he is immature to keep secrets!
Uff relations suck mind!

Alok calls me like 20 times a day. Ask the same questions. I started feeling perhaps I used to be this immature with Sagen.
All his talks seemed like a fly going to bite people and they will be slaughtered!
One day I felt to stop this...as he may get hurt later if he gets serious!
Alok... See... I'm not in love as you think... I... I tried to explain to him..but he had his world to talk to.

One evening Sagen texted me... Need to talk. It's urgent.

By the time Alok is known to Madhu, Ramya, and all... Because of his continuous calls...

Madhu told me that I'm trying to run away from the truth!
I ignored it. As for now... I wished to end up Sagen from the mind as he can't understand me or my pain of loneliness.!

With Alok, I never felt anything, not even as a friend but how to break someone's heart... an unknown thing for me!

One evening... Alok was on call... some random talk. I was cooking so kept his call on speaker.
Another call buzzed...Sagen...
I immediately cut Alok as if bullets are on me!
Hi... I felt a rush of joy... And felt a butterfly over my stomach...
Hi... With whom you were talking...
I said... Hmmm... Anyway, why you called me now?
Thought your anger is over.
Uff Sagen...uff... I felt chill wind passing through my system.
Sagen... I thought you left me...
Hahaaahaa is that ever possible...
No... But...
But what... Stop thinking...
You know me... I go silent when my mind is not settled...
Sagen... I made a new bf!
I said with a giggling face ... Just to tease him... To show him... I can leave you and move on.
Ok... Who is that Joker?
What... Why are you saying him, joker... He is... I scratched to remember Alok's face... He is good I said...with no clue.!
Hahaaaa ... Ok tell that Joker now to stop calling ...as your Lover is ok to handle you.
I saw myself blushing in the mirror.
How is this possible he is serious and..my cousin thinks I'm happy...
Wao... Then tell your cousin that you are happy only with Sagen ... Ok... Plz, Swath... Don't waste time on all this nonsense..... You know that I love you...
I felt my eyes fill up...
Sagen then why did all this happen...
It all happened because I was not mature to handle emotions! I would have opened up then..it has never been like this... I'm good about logic but very poor about emotions... I kept my mobile on silent due to disturbance, but instead, I should have told you...
Swath... Plz, let's stop...and move on...
How will I move on...
Let's meet I tell you how... Hehee giggled... Ummmma my Swath...
With his kiss, I felt the breeze coming inside from the window and kissing my entire face.

But... I told you, Sagen... That Alok..... I saw Alok is calling...
Is that this idiot calling you now...?
I said... Hmm.
Tell him. You need to break it.
I can't do that.
Shut up Swa...and do as I told you ok...
"No...Why should I listen to you always? Did you shut Sofi ... Who knows what all you talked with her... And how cheap to give your friend's number to her...
Uff Sagen.. you are the worst thing that ever happened to me!" I said as anger was fishing out from heart through my words.
"Over ...Swath... Done with your mind talk...and anger...Swath... Now cut the call and tell him as I said. "
No... I can't say no...
"Then keep him and me... Haahah... " he laughed.
"See how shameless you are... You don't value my emotions... You are ... " I was puzzled in his laugh and my fear.
Swath... Plz..., should I call him and say...
Wait I will tell him first.
" Ok. " he said.

I paused and looked like an idiot!

"Alok... Listen... "
"With whom you have been talking for so long... It's been 30 mint... Can't..." he was shouting.
"Just shut up bey" I yelled... And said...
"I can't talk to you it's over whatever!"
I was speechless as I never spok harshly ...except with Preeta and Sagen!

"What... You said Shup up ha... "
"Yeah. "
"Wait I tell your sister." he cut call.
I felt fear over my head and body.

I immediately dialed Sagen and told him...
"Haha...... Omg...hahaaaa... I will tell your sister.... What a joker he is... " he laughed over and over!
I felt to kill this Sagen...
"Yar... Tum Hasna bandhh karo Sagen? "
Though I was also laughing low with keeping my hands on my mouth...without letting him know that I'm laughing...
"Ok ok... Give me this joker'snumber. "
"Why"
"I will make him understand that you cannot be of someone else like that... You are mine and mine only Swath... " he said
I felt my love coming again home.
But...
Don't over think... He is a fooling himself. Any sensible man can know in 5 mint that... A Girl really is happy with him or not!
Really... Ok .... So you have list of girls ....right you are expert right... You can...
Shut up Swath....I have only you.
Give his number to better get rid off from him, forever!
I gave number of Alok to Saget.

After 5 mint... Sagen called me...
"He broke out with a laugh... Oh God... Poor fellow... He didn't know anything about you Swath..."
I felt serious air on my head...
Means Should I publish that I'm in love with you...
"Okok... Listen...I told him..."
Sagen wait my sister is calling me!

I cut Sagen's call...
Hi, chechi...
"Just shut your mouth... I never thought about you like this". Her anger almost hit my cheeks to go red.
"You had a relationship. You had sex... Right... Tell me yes or no... If it's no... Alok will be dead by my hands. " she was waiting for my one word.
I was fearful and blank in mind.
I felt fear rolling through my body and my mind...
"Yes... I had..."
"Swath... What are you saying... Unbelievable ....shocked...Swath...Sex..before marriage... Swath... It's a sin... What if you got pregnant... If anything happened... Don't you have values... Don't tell me now that he is not from our caste!"
Her words just del like an atom bomb on my chest and on my life!
"Who he is and where you went to do all this ... "
I was silent. As I felt where I went wrong. I had beautiful dreams and emotions only with Sagen.

Uffffff my eyes had tears, Sagen kept calling, and my cousin was hitting me with her words... thankfully I was on call.

I felt I need to change my body and find Sagen again in a new one!

The meeting with my Cousin was another worst part. She said so much that I hate the title called "Sex."
Even though she was going to have love arranged. As per her, the boy should be like this that... A kiss should be on the first night... Uff... I felt I did a big mistake... And my heart felt to kill my feeling for Sagen... I wish I could do that!

I ignored Sagen and his calls after a big anger-bursting episode... I shouted at him... Why did you tell that stupid about sex... You have zero level of love for me... I poured my anger on him...if I had bullets I would have done better on him... To feel relief from guilt and sadness

Sagen had his justification to tell... He said... "Your sister should understand that it's Love we have... And sex has nothing to do with it ... It just happened between us...It's fine as she thinks it's wrong ...because of getting pregnant...ok... But we had ... "
"Shut up...Sagen... I'm a fool to love you... Now I fear more... I fear ...
I almost cried...
I want to go away from you.
I'm leaving you here.
Don't call me... I hate you. My sister... Uff.... "

But at the end of the day .. I love him...more than his physical act... There is zero mint when my mind have no thoughts of him...And he has always been conscious about safe sex whenever we did...
On my birthday... He stopped me as he had no condom... When I asked him... He said...how can I upset you ever...
Should I have pills when I asked him he said... Never....
He kept one pack of condom..... because he knew if I visit again his home... We will forget the world... he always took care of me...that I shouldn't be Pregnant now, he reminded me of dates as I forget dates... He asked me my sickness...!
What more a women wants in love from her man! Ufff Sagen... You are virus that I want you always!!
My mind was uncalm
Ufff... Love and sex ... Why God? Am I the sinner ... Sinner because I love this stupid creature called Sagen Rajput.
© Saranya Anish Nair