When someone asks me, “What’s been your biggest loss?”
I still think of you but stay silent or laugh it off like it’s a silly question. It’s weird — the answer is like a bad habit I can’t seem to break. Just like your fingers used to itch for cigarettes, my lips still itch for your name, even though we both know they’re bad for us.
You were always my partner in crime, someone I could rely on. We were so different yet so alike, but you said that’s why we worked — U were soft and fragile and I was hard and guarded.
We needed each other to survive.
So I constantly ask myself why did you hurt me?
The truth is I always imagined we’d be friends forever, but today I woke up and realized we aren’t good for each other anymore.
I may have to cut what feels like an umbilical cord and it will be the hardest thing I ever have to do.
People talk about how hard it is to break up with a significant other, but they never talk about how hard it is to break up with a friend.
No one tells you what it’s like to realize the person would have done anything for is no longer a person you can have in your life. No one tells you how hard it is to force a smile & hold back the tears every time their name is mentioned. No one tells you how hard it is to awkwardly explain to your family & other friends that you don’t talk anymore.
No one tells you how much it hurts.
But do you know what? No one is obligated to keep someone in their life who treats them according to their moods and makes them question themselves. You were my partner in crime, my better half for most of the years— and also the only person who knew how to hurt me the most – which you went to town with.
I love you **** loads, but we can’t be friends anymore – I now understand the magnitude of giving someone your ALL and having them betray you – no matter what happens thereafter a recovery just never works.
Yes, I still miss you – I guess I always will. When something happens whether good or bad, I have to resist the urge to text you.
I can’t even bring myself to delete your number, sit and block, unblock, check your pro pics, your statuses & basically drive myself insane.
I read through our old conversations (yes I still have them, coupled with so many pictures on that email account) and try to pinpoint when it happened, when did we grow so toxic, but I realize now that there was never a single starting point & that hurts cos maybe just maybe this was bad from the get go and I was too blind to see it.
Maybe we were always bad for each other but we just loved each other anyway.
I think back at the last few years, the first of many to be spent without you (sad isn’t it – well to me it really is). It's daunting realizing that you haven't been a part of them at all, the good, the bad, the happy and the sad. I sometimes still find it difficult to accept that this is the way things are going to be — not just between us, but for me in general that I have really lost such a huge part of my life.
It's difficult for me to explain the exact state I find myself in. “These are uncharted waters. Once you were the lighthouse that guided me to shore, making me feel safe and certain knowing where I can find a home, but that light no longer shines. At least, not for me.”
Is it odd if I say I'm kinda okay with that? It feels insanely weird thinking it, but it's true. I'm not happy about it. I'm not sad about it. I'm kinda just okay with it (guess I’ve somewhat succumbed to a life without you & your love) & I guess that's the most I can ask for at the moment. The hardest part is accepting that I never meant to you what you meant to me – not then, not now, I guess not ever.
This isn't to say that you didn't love me, because I know you did. Yet, here we are; I'm sitting here writing this, and you're somewhere else, with someone else, doing your own thing, being the awesome person you've always been.
I'm sure I no longer occupy a room in your mind, yet in my mind and heart, you'll always find a place.
I’m not entirely sure I will make it pass this, it’s more than the heartbreak that I have to endure. It's all that comes with it.
The sadness.
The lack of willpower.
The moodiness.
The negativity.
The questioning my self-worth.
The memories (oh these cradlestones).
I have picked up so many horrible habits as a means of distracting myself, a sad excuse and really a poor effort at trying to convince myself that you don't matter to me when my head and my heart both screams at me otherwise. You matter to me more than you know. And the senseless thing is, nothing will ever change that. As long as I continue to be me, my love for you will never be erased, I became me and the person I am today through your love coupled with your betrayal.
“I don't love you the way Romeo loved Juliet. I love you the way the moon loves the sun. While we may never cross paths again, there's a connection that exists and will continue to exist as long as we do.”
Regardless of whether or not we can remain friends, I will always care for you.
And guess what? I'm happy that I care for you as much as I do (it proves to me that my love was real and what I felt was real). I'm happy that I can feel this way about a person without the need to own their thoughts, their time, their attention, or even their love. I don't need you to love me (not anymore – I have learnt to live without it).
I'm not sure what I quite want openly expressing my disappointment so that you know or secretly hoping that you never read this and it never hurts you which it may. You don't need to know how much I love and yearn for you and how shattered my soul is by this loss.
You're happy doing you and I want you to stay happy doing you.
You turned me into a better person and for that no amount of words or acts of gratitude can ever remotely compare.
Of course I love you, I honestly ALWAYS will, but now I’m also learning to love myself.