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Healing… after a breakdown
Healing is a life changing experience— you have to appreciate and honour your journey.
There will be days you can’t leave the house because your mind is soaring with memories of the past. But there will days where leaving the house is the only option you have— to avoid going insane. There will be days your body wants to move and do it all; There will be days your body cannot move at all. There will be days where you find your greatest pleasure in the smallest of things, like a cup of tea warming your heart; There will be days when you can’t find anything left to live for. There will be days where you want to speak to someone, anyone who’ll care to listen; There will be days where you cannot stand the thought of letting anyone close enough to hurt you again.
There will be days where you want to watch a rom com and believe this could happen for you; There will be days when you know it’s too good to be true. There will be days when you want to clean your house because it’s not looking good; There will be days where you just don’t give a fuck. There will be days where you want to pack all you have and flee to another country, even when you have no money to get you there; There will be days where you consider you may need to pack your bag for the hospital— if those suicidal thoughts become worse. There will be days where you cannot find a silver lining in all you’ve been forced to go through; There will be days when through the detonated blast, you remember you had some real good times of your own. There will be days when you remember the good memories with people who still hurt you; There will be days where you realise those people were always hurting you, even when they weren’t around you.
There will be days where you tell yourself, “it’ll all be okay, I’ll give myself a few months and then I’ll be back to my old self”; There will be days when you realise that… there’s no way I’ll ever be able to be that version of myself again— that person was being abused, every time she woke up. Every time she slept. Every time she went to work. Every time she had a circle of friends. Every time she let someone in… everytime she would work, and then start a new job. Everytime she walked past a stranger that would ‘catch her eye’ (stare ‘low-key’ at her), with their own incentive. Everytime she ever did anything; There was always someone there to oppose, or sabotage her. She knew how to fight… she just didn’t always know who. She didn’t realise it was her best friends too. The only people she had left before it all went black.
I’ve realised on my healing journey that there will be people who once sat at your table… that you will then want to remove; Because you will realise you’re worth far more, than how they were choosing to treat you. You will realise that breakdowns don’t just happen! There is always a cause and affect. The body keeps the etch of it all… as does the mind. Once you are safe and able to heal, to nurture and cherish yourself; The body and mind, will then open the book that’s been written by you— but not just you— by also others who sought to sabotage you. Breakdowns don’t just randomly happen, nor does mental illness. It is a shock your system has when the trauma becomes too much— it is an illness because it becomes so through trauma. Accidents can and do happen, but there is always a cause and affect. Trauma is caused by other people and their chosen intention to harm you; People are responsible for their own behaviour and they know exactly what they’re doing. It will change your life when you realise that you are not responsible for other peoples behaviour. Nor their trauma, or how they chose to treat you because of their own narcissism.
It will change your life how much peace flows through you when you remove people from your life, who are toxic and insisted they were healthy. Nor were they ever better than you— or deserved more than you, that they claimed they did. It will bring you peace to finally find yourself again, to give yourself the energy others sought to always take from you. It will bring you peace again when you realise you were someone else’s coping strategy; The codependency they keep for their own purpose and fantasy— but pin in their toe when you said no. It doesn’t get pretty after that, it only gets dark— like the hole you may have fallen into when your memory became a blur. Was that before or after your breakdown? how many have you had since knowing these types of people? what healing do you need to do— once you’ve removed the bounty on your head; And the cord it was created by— I mean from the person who put it there.
See, on my own journey I’ve realised it cannot be a coincidence that so many friends and family have treated me like a pen— a something more or less; That is extremely useful for their benefit, litigation and therapy. But when it runs out of ink… it’s thrown away, somehow forced to refill itself. But I was a pack of many pens, because these people never tired of the benefit my relationship gave them. But when I put my boundaries in place, or lived my life without them; I was made guilty, and gaslighted for doing so. I had people close by in my family and friendship circles who groomed me to believe their narcisstic abuse was my own fault. That I should count myself lucky to have them. I’ve realised the sexual abuse was common throughout my life even during consensual sex. Often guys would laugh as they would try to take advantage of me when they had me in a vulnerable position— always when I couldn’t see what they were doing; Before they’d walk away from that scene of rape, with guilt and shame. Friends? they’ve done a similar thing— they’ve tried to groom me into believing the verbal and physical assault is my own fault, that I am lucky to have that attention and that it’s for my own benefit… that women do not abuse women… apparently it’s only men. Well, I know differently now. But I was groomed not to back then— how blurred those lines always were… how often there was narcisissm. Especially now that I know what narcissim actually is… and that you may ever only realise it’s right in front of you when you’re infront of a psychologist— trying to figure out where it all went bad. And I’m sure they’ll tell you honestly, as they’ve told me… “you’ve clearly been abused by someone, perhaps many people. it’s not your fault; And this conversation is very common amongst survivors of abuse that choose to seek therapy”. I suppose that makes sense as to why my body is falling apart— why the pain is so bad in my neck and spine. I’m a victim of abuse, healing from what was not my fault; Nor did I deserve it.
So I’m remembering slowly the life I lived before it all went black and my memory faded. A time my mind superseded my ignorant, naive desire to be a better person. Truth is— I always was a good person. A great person actually. I’ve realised that I was abused most for telling the truth against abuse… the irony of it still shocks me. So I now write, and I keep writing because each time I do, I learn, and I remember something new and beautiful about myself again.
© Lois Christina. Not my image.
#healing #trauma #narcissism #mentalhealth #familytrauma #domesticviolence #childhoodtrauma #fakefriends #abuse #philosophy
There will be days you can’t leave the house because your mind is soaring with memories of the past. But there will days where leaving the house is the only option you have— to avoid going insane. There will be days your body wants to move and do it all; There will be days your body cannot move at all. There will be days where you find your greatest pleasure in the smallest of things, like a cup of tea warming your heart; There will be days when you can’t find anything left to live for. There will be days where you want to speak to someone, anyone who’ll care to listen; There will be days where you cannot stand the thought of letting anyone close enough to hurt you again.
There will be days where you want to watch a rom com and believe this could happen for you; There will be days when you know it’s too good to be true. There will be days when you want to clean your house because it’s not looking good; There will be days where you just don’t give a fuck. There will be days where you want to pack all you have and flee to another country, even when you have no money to get you there; There will be days where you consider you may need to pack your bag for the hospital— if those suicidal thoughts become worse. There will be days where you cannot find a silver lining in all you’ve been forced to go through; There will be days when through the detonated blast, you remember you had some real good times of your own. There will be days when you remember the good memories with people who still hurt you; There will be days where you realise those people were always hurting you, even when they weren’t around you.
There will be days where you tell yourself, “it’ll all be okay, I’ll give myself a few months and then I’ll be back to my old self”; There will be days when you realise that… there’s no way I’ll ever be able to be that version of myself again— that person was being abused, every time she woke up. Every time she slept. Every time she went to work. Every time she had a circle of friends. Every time she let someone in… everytime she would work, and then start a new job. Everytime she walked past a stranger that would ‘catch her eye’ (stare ‘low-key’ at her), with their own incentive. Everytime she ever did anything; There was always someone there to oppose, or sabotage her. She knew how to fight… she just didn’t always know who. She didn’t realise it was her best friends too. The only people she had left before it all went black.
I’ve realised on my healing journey that there will be people who once sat at your table… that you will then want to remove; Because you will realise you’re worth far more, than how they were choosing to treat you. You will realise that breakdowns don’t just happen! There is always a cause and affect. The body keeps the etch of it all… as does the mind. Once you are safe and able to heal, to nurture and cherish yourself; The body and mind, will then open the book that’s been written by you— but not just you— by also others who sought to sabotage you. Breakdowns don’t just randomly happen, nor does mental illness. It is a shock your system has when the trauma becomes too much— it is an illness because it becomes so through trauma. Accidents can and do happen, but there is always a cause and affect. Trauma is caused by other people and their chosen intention to harm you; People are responsible for their own behaviour and they know exactly what they’re doing. It will change your life when you realise that you are not responsible for other peoples behaviour. Nor their trauma, or how they chose to treat you because of their own narcissism.
It will change your life how much peace flows through you when you remove people from your life, who are toxic and insisted they were healthy. Nor were they ever better than you— or deserved more than you, that they claimed they did. It will bring you peace to finally find yourself again, to give yourself the energy others sought to always take from you. It will bring you peace again when you realise you were someone else’s coping strategy; The codependency they keep for their own purpose and fantasy— but pin in their toe when you said no. It doesn’t get pretty after that, it only gets dark— like the hole you may have fallen into when your memory became a blur. Was that before or after your breakdown? how many have you had since knowing these types of people? what healing do you need to do— once you’ve removed the bounty on your head; And the cord it was created by— I mean from the person who put it there.
See, on my own journey I’ve realised it cannot be a coincidence that so many friends and family have treated me like a pen— a something more or less; That is extremely useful for their benefit, litigation and therapy. But when it runs out of ink… it’s thrown away, somehow forced to refill itself. But I was a pack of many pens, because these people never tired of the benefit my relationship gave them. But when I put my boundaries in place, or lived my life without them; I was made guilty, and gaslighted for doing so. I had people close by in my family and friendship circles who groomed me to believe their narcisstic abuse was my own fault. That I should count myself lucky to have them. I’ve realised the sexual abuse was common throughout my life even during consensual sex. Often guys would laugh as they would try to take advantage of me when they had me in a vulnerable position— always when I couldn’t see what they were doing; Before they’d walk away from that scene of rape, with guilt and shame. Friends? they’ve done a similar thing— they’ve tried to groom me into believing the verbal and physical assault is my own fault, that I am lucky to have that attention and that it’s for my own benefit… that women do not abuse women… apparently it’s only men. Well, I know differently now. But I was groomed not to back then— how blurred those lines always were… how often there was narcisissm. Especially now that I know what narcissim actually is… and that you may ever only realise it’s right in front of you when you’re infront of a psychologist— trying to figure out where it all went bad. And I’m sure they’ll tell you honestly, as they’ve told me… “you’ve clearly been abused by someone, perhaps many people. it’s not your fault; And this conversation is very common amongst survivors of abuse that choose to seek therapy”. I suppose that makes sense as to why my body is falling apart— why the pain is so bad in my neck and spine. I’m a victim of abuse, healing from what was not my fault; Nor did I deserve it.
So I’m remembering slowly the life I lived before it all went black and my memory faded. A time my mind superseded my ignorant, naive desire to be a better person. Truth is— I always was a good person. A great person actually. I’ve realised that I was abused most for telling the truth against abuse… the irony of it still shocks me. So I now write, and I keep writing because each time I do, I learn, and I remember something new and beautiful about myself again.
© Lois Christina. Not my image.
#healing #trauma #narcissism #mentalhealth #familytrauma #domesticviolence #childhoodtrauma #fakefriends #abuse #philosophy
