26 views
My Bi-Polar Angel
Imagining what her last moments would have been like, haunts me. Did she gasp for air? Did she realize that she was dying? Or, I can only hope that she just fell asleep. Imagining, that if I had been a better mother, would she still be alive?
I am different now to who I was before she left. I spend countless hours that could be spent showing love to my wonderful remaining family. Instead, I spend my time looking for her shadow, listening for her voice. Jumping when the phone rings, expecting it to be her, for I got handfuls of phone calls from her daily. Somewhen she was just two minutes away from home. Somewhen she was parked in front of the house and couldn't wait to hear my voice. I feel ashamed now, more than anything, that it drove me nuts. And, that I wasn't more patient with her. For, I would give anything for just one more phone call.
Sometimes she was madly irritating and sometimes she was amazingly brilliant. Yet, she never realized it and shrugged off any compliments to the same. I tried hard to pile-drive that aspect into her, but, nothing worked.
Now, there's this little nagging voice remaining that tells me I was a crap mother and I should have done a better job. So much angst, so many tears.
It's like a mirror I have held up to look upon myself and shout at only to have it shatter instead. No relief, no solace. And, although her bi-polar behavior was challenging, I could have done more. However, her diagnosis was the first that I had heard of. I didn't know enough to help for she wasn't textbook.
I am remorseful that I didn't act sooner to find out what her diagnosis entailed. I am mortified that I often thought that she just sought attention. Now, I am exceedingly sorry that I was too wrapped up in blaming her. And, trying to push the blame from me. Now, I realize I should have taken the "me" out of the equation. That I should have looked in-depth into when things changed for her.
I often wonder if it were the choices that I made in helping her that ruined my child's life. Was it this choice, or was it that choice?
For someone to be with you for almost 28 years, grieving for them for almost 4 years is really just a blink of the eye. There is no handbook that tells us what time frame that we lay our grief down. No right or wrong in the grieving process. Unfortunately, I still exhaust myself in wishing I could turn the hands of time back and have a do-over.
d. nelson 07/09/2020
©GiGi60
© dawnykins59
I am different now to who I was before she left. I spend countless hours that could be spent showing love to my wonderful remaining family. Instead, I spend my time looking for her shadow, listening for her voice. Jumping when the phone rings, expecting it to be her, for I got handfuls of phone calls from her daily. Somewhen she was just two minutes away from home. Somewhen she was parked in front of the house and couldn't wait to hear my voice. I feel ashamed now, more than anything, that it drove me nuts. And, that I wasn't more patient with her. For, I would give anything for just one more phone call.
Sometimes she was madly irritating and sometimes she was amazingly brilliant. Yet, she never realized it and shrugged off any compliments to the same. I tried hard to pile-drive that aspect into her, but, nothing worked.
Now, there's this little nagging voice remaining that tells me I was a crap mother and I should have done a better job. So much angst, so many tears.
It's like a mirror I have held up to look upon myself and shout at only to have it shatter instead. No relief, no solace. And, although her bi-polar behavior was challenging, I could have done more. However, her diagnosis was the first that I had heard of. I didn't know enough to help for she wasn't textbook.
I am remorseful that I didn't act sooner to find out what her diagnosis entailed. I am mortified that I often thought that she just sought attention. Now, I am exceedingly sorry that I was too wrapped up in blaming her. And, trying to push the blame from me. Now, I realize I should have taken the "me" out of the equation. That I should have looked in-depth into when things changed for her.
I often wonder if it were the choices that I made in helping her that ruined my child's life. Was it this choice, or was it that choice?
For someone to be with you for almost 28 years, grieving for them for almost 4 years is really just a blink of the eye. There is no handbook that tells us what time frame that we lay our grief down. No right or wrong in the grieving process. Unfortunately, I still exhaust myself in wishing I could turn the hands of time back and have a do-over.
d. nelson 07/09/2020
©GiGi60
© dawnykins59
