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Extinguished
Every day I find myself in the same library, every day at the same time, at 10 PM. Just an hour before closing, but I always stayed longer. I was given a key a year or so after going there, Ezequiel had known me since I was a kid after all, he somehow trusted me even after the stupid shit I had done when I was younger. From petty theft to vandalism… Perhaps it was just that, maybe he wanted me to keep my life on track and thought this would help, ‘supporting the youth’s interests’ or something like that. I vaguely remember seeing posters talking about that in school halls, trying to get us to join groups and clubs to find other people with similar interests. Unlike those club leaders — usually teachers who weren’t being paid enough to get even more extra hours of spending time with students they didn’t like — Ezequiel actually seemed to care. He always made sure I would eat just before he left, he would ask how it was at home, if I was sure that I didn't need to stay at his place for just a little while. He cared, and he listened, not just to me but also to the other two he allowed to stay.
Tonight, however, I found myself completely alone with the rows of bookshelves, along with a bag of crisps, a sketchbook and a few open books. The titles didn't matter to me at that moment, I was more focused on the pictures, the illustrations I could learn from to figure out how to draw them myself. It was the way I had learned how to draw, though I had heard rumours that Ezequiel was trying to actually get art-related books for the library.
I stared at the blank page in front of me, it was quiet, I didn't know where to start or what to do and Ezequiel had already left. Usually, he would've had some ideas, but he had some kind of family emergency. However he didn't want to share any information about it, no matter how many questions I asked or how many times I offered help. This time I couldn't help, he said, whatever that was supposed to mean. So now, at 10:30 pm, the library was already closed so he could leave earlier. On one hand, it gave me some time alone, but I knew I would've preferred him to stay, for anyone to stay. I looked at the three lit candles on the table as a distraction from the empty pages in front of me, it gave a little extra light, the ceiling lights had needed bulb changes for months now. After being on for a few hours, some of them would start flickering, the one in the left corner the most which was why people usually avoided sitting there.
I picked up my sharpened pencil, twirling it in my hand, before my gaze was fixed on the candles again, specifically the middle one. The middle one didn't look like it had melted at all in the past hour or so, it still had its head held high even after that. It almost seemed fake, uncanny… no melting wax in sight, even though it burned and burned.
I held out my hand. I held out my hand and reached for the fire, before catching myself. Taking the candle extinguisher, I extinguished the other two candles, hesitating as I held the extinguisher above the middle one. It somehow felt wrong, a heaviness forming in my chest as it got closer, as if the thought of extinguishing it was burdening me with a load I wouldn't be able to bear. What was I doing, taking away someone else's fire?
Shh… Shh…
I looked back at the front door, dropping the extinguisher and getting onto my feet as a sudden shushing sound interrupted my train of thought.
Shh...
It felt like it was only getting closer, I was alone, and there was no sign of anyone else around. I was sure of that, right? Yes, I was alone, I had checked. Even the streets were empty, even the streetlights had been shut off, it was only me. Only me. But the shushing only continued. It didn't stop, even when I covered my ears, the sound echoed back and forth in my mind, silencing any rational thought from forming. Warnings were sizzled before they could reach me, extinguished before they could ever burn.
Then the lights went out.
As always the light in the back stood out, still flicking. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off.
Off.
The candle, still burning, was the one thing that offered light in this complete darkness. A faint glow of hope, a faint glow to protect me from this darkness. Yet… I couldn't help but reach out again, a warmth emanating from the flame, engulfing me into its protection, heat flicking between my thumb and index finger.
I couldn't, but I should, I had to. My body betrayed itself, displaying actions and thoughts that were unfamiliar to mine. I would never have extinguished the last light I had, I would never have trusted the night. The shushing turned into a humming, a humming that grounded me and embraced me, beckoning me to stay and listen. And while I listened, one passing thought came to me.
I could've gone with Ezequiel. I should've gone with Ezequiel. I had to go with Ezequiel.
I grabbed the wick and let go, the flame dying out underneath my palm, making room for the darkness to settle.
For her to settle.
© E. Orchids
Tonight, however, I found myself completely alone with the rows of bookshelves, along with a bag of crisps, a sketchbook and a few open books. The titles didn't matter to me at that moment, I was more focused on the pictures, the illustrations I could learn from to figure out how to draw them myself. It was the way I had learned how to draw, though I had heard rumours that Ezequiel was trying to actually get art-related books for the library.
I stared at the blank page in front of me, it was quiet, I didn't know where to start or what to do and Ezequiel had already left. Usually, he would've had some ideas, but he had some kind of family emergency. However he didn't want to share any information about it, no matter how many questions I asked or how many times I offered help. This time I couldn't help, he said, whatever that was supposed to mean. So now, at 10:30 pm, the library was already closed so he could leave earlier. On one hand, it gave me some time alone, but I knew I would've preferred him to stay, for anyone to stay. I looked at the three lit candles on the table as a distraction from the empty pages in front of me, it gave a little extra light, the ceiling lights had needed bulb changes for months now. After being on for a few hours, some of them would start flickering, the one in the left corner the most which was why people usually avoided sitting there.
I picked up my sharpened pencil, twirling it in my hand, before my gaze was fixed on the candles again, specifically the middle one. The middle one didn't look like it had melted at all in the past hour or so, it still had its head held high even after that. It almost seemed fake, uncanny… no melting wax in sight, even though it burned and burned.
I held out my hand. I held out my hand and reached for the fire, before catching myself. Taking the candle extinguisher, I extinguished the other two candles, hesitating as I held the extinguisher above the middle one. It somehow felt wrong, a heaviness forming in my chest as it got closer, as if the thought of extinguishing it was burdening me with a load I wouldn't be able to bear. What was I doing, taking away someone else's fire?
Shh… Shh…
I looked back at the front door, dropping the extinguisher and getting onto my feet as a sudden shushing sound interrupted my train of thought.
Shh...
It felt like it was only getting closer, I was alone, and there was no sign of anyone else around. I was sure of that, right? Yes, I was alone, I had checked. Even the streets were empty, even the streetlights had been shut off, it was only me. Only me. But the shushing only continued. It didn't stop, even when I covered my ears, the sound echoed back and forth in my mind, silencing any rational thought from forming. Warnings were sizzled before they could reach me, extinguished before they could ever burn.
Then the lights went out.
As always the light in the back stood out, still flicking. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off.
Off.
The candle, still burning, was the one thing that offered light in this complete darkness. A faint glow of hope, a faint glow to protect me from this darkness. Yet… I couldn't help but reach out again, a warmth emanating from the flame, engulfing me into its protection, heat flicking between my thumb and index finger.
I couldn't, but I should, I had to. My body betrayed itself, displaying actions and thoughts that were unfamiliar to mine. I would never have extinguished the last light I had, I would never have trusted the night. The shushing turned into a humming, a humming that grounded me and embraced me, beckoning me to stay and listen. And while I listened, one passing thought came to me.
I could've gone with Ezequiel. I should've gone with Ezequiel. I had to go with Ezequiel.
I grabbed the wick and let go, the flame dying out underneath my palm, making room for the darkness to settle.
For her to settle.
© E. Orchids
